14-year-old Bitcoin broker braces for anarchy by 3D printing his own guns

“I injected it right into my fuckin’ eyeballs,” said Adam Goralski, a 14-year-old Roanoke, Va. native who recently became addicted to ideology. Adam said he used the Internet to administer his first doses of cyberlibertarian bitcoin paranoia.

bitcoin anarchocapitalist

“I just thought about all the freedoms we don’t have, pertaining to bitcoin, and Rand Paul was saying, ‘This Senate hearing is a meeting about how to keep young people from generating their own new forms of wealth,” Adam recounted. “He was talking about Bitcoin as the only true currency without any pretense of statist affirmation or any real assignment of value. Keep your hands off my Bitcoins!’ and I thought, that’s the truth. That appeals to my teenage sensibilities.”

Adam, who wears a t-shirt reading, ‘The Satoshi white paper is my Constitution,’ said he’s turned his friends onto the Bitcoin and, as a result, the value of the currency is already exploding – TO THE MOON! – in their young, feeble minds.

“Every trade is like a hit of my daddy’s cocaine,” Adam professed. “I get on there with my VISA giftcards, and I just go, go, go. Kids of my generation are always going, going. We’re pretty good old boys.”

Adam, who now listens to Alex Jones instead of faggoty schoolteachers, said he bought a 3D printer over Tor – a perfectly clean, Anonymous transfer – and has already downloaded his very first 3D-printable handgun from The Pirate Bay.

“See, the Constitution was a Bitcoin-enhancing document which basically said men could own guns, people as property, and even Bitcoin, the spending of which is a protected form of free, encrypted speech,” Adam said. “See, it’s free but it’s encrypted anyway, that’s how you know it’s protected speech. Don’t trust the government. Satoshi got it right.”

Adam, a member of the armed branch of the cyberterror group Electronic Frontier Foundation, said he’s on the fence about a new president, adding that he would opt instead for a form of anti-neoliberal anarchocapitalism where the value of all things are measured against BTC. But he’s considering a vote for Bernie, whose messages of Hope and Change he readily identifies with, as well as Bernie’s strong pro-war stance since joining the Democratic Party of Peace. Adam is, after all, a very smart boy.

“We’re just some pretty good old boys, though, in the end,” Adam explained. “And all we want is a lawless society where the tyranny of fiat currency no longer burdens True Capitalists like ourselves with its evil. And I think a vote for Bernie just might expedite such a collapse, because the people just won’t stand for it.”

Trigger Warning: 2015 Black Friday Hategasm

Earth Day protest at VCU

The deals were in short supply this year, but the violence was not. For your hateful enjoyment, open an ice cold Coca-Cola and watch people behave like animals just hours after eating Thanksgiving dinner. Be sure to laugh at them, and judge, as if you aren’t just as bad as the rest of them.

Most of this shit is pulled straight from the PublicFreakout reddit frontpage.

Primer: Watch the first 5 minutes (or so) of the first video, to get a feel for how TV “news” treats our grotesque social disease. Then after that, just tear through the rest of them like early Christmas presents. You earned it.


https://youtu.be/BEuyiBZA0dA
https://youtu.be/ZuY_sYKbbek

This next one was tagged ‘fake’:



The phenomenon is spreading overseas. Welcome to the “first world,” Lahore!

Lebal Drocer ‘Pain-Spray’ Offers Cheap, Easy Solution to Complex Emotional Trauma

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Trolled Into Exile: The Histrionic Death Rattles of Andrew Aurenheimer

weev hateZAGREB — Weev, the internet troll Andrew Aurenheimer, wrenches his mouth open with both hands: He’s got big things to say. Nothin’ really comes out but the smell of gluten free gut rot — his digestive system is on display: a moebius clump knotted around an impossible constipation so extreme it’s a wonder he can talk at all, for he drank his own poison.

“Wh…. White Genocide,” the words spill out, gravel-ass liquid incanting the magic cleansing violence, the echo of the prison around him. Orange eyes bug out pulsing, his head swivels, scans.

Deep in his chest something erupts and bubbles, loosening what might be shit into the dessicated assholes of the world’s most infamous hate mongers. Bitcoin brokers cum black shit from their mouths. Rapid fire wobble interludes and ,”The Internet will be Free. Information is freedom,” a beautiful, sing-song drone. Weev, once famous for hacking AT&T, pops into IRC to compulsively utter the words, “White power,” and recedes again into madness.

When his financial backers learned Weev was a swastika-tattooed’ anti-semite, they withdrew faster than your wife’s boyfriend, blowing their load instead all over the small of his back, a parting gift from the neolibertarian Bitcoin futurists, who wouldn’t be caught dead giving money to such an old-world ideological mutant. After the investments dried up, and the hate fund against which Mr. Weev hedged his bets dematerialized, he sped off to Lebanon. There, he joined ISIS and now works for them as a sleeper agent, traveling through conflict zones in eastern Europe, recruiting and plotting actual terrorism. Fans leaked a photo of his ISIS tattoo, proving him to be an actual ISIS agent.

Weev leaned over to his contact in ISIS, winking, “When I’m in the synagogue firing shots, I want Son of a Gun by KMFDM playing.” The jihadist was unimpressed.

Apt Pupil

“Yeah I taught her to troll, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. We’re losing the culture war because of it — because of her.” Weev later appeared on VH1’s behind the trolling series, where friends noted Weev’s turn from comedic Nazism to actual Nazism after an egregious court ruling forced him into years of membership in the Aryan Nation. Weev exhorted, “The original Nazis knew Arabs were a subset of the Aryan race, and the fascism at ISIS is the kind of thing I’d like to bring to Aryans in the United States. There’s just too much to learn from ISIS.”

Corrective Genetic Hegemony

“I travel through the Balkans fucking women of all races just so that my genes will proliferate more,” Andrew Aurenheimer said on the Dr. Phil television program.

“I especially like the gypsies because they think my swastika is funny.” It was his first television appearance after returning to the United States from a paranoid self-imposed exile.

Weev paced up and down the stage, stroking an imaginary dick while Dr. Phil said, “We get it, we get it. Security, get this despicable troll out of here. I don’t wanna talk to him. He’s hopeless, and he deserves to wind up in prison.”

His mother took the focus and, before a sympathetic audience, explained the heartbreak of loving an invalid. She stared into the camera with a tear in her eye.

“The truth is everyone we know already knows we have a mentally ill child. We have made no secret of Andrew,” she said. “We too are victims of Andrew. The hardest part for all of us is that he used to be normal. I think he is so crazy now that he might be convinced that martians are ruining his life, not Jews. He’s nuts.”

Dr. Phil nods and says, “play the footage.” Andrew Aurenheimer is shown ranting into his laptop. “Lebal Drocer really is motherfucking aliens. I fucking knew it god dammit.” He stands, breaking the laptop over his knee.

“See, Dr. Phil, this is what I’m talking about,” Mrs. Aurenheimer says. “Several years ago he developed a relationship with a girl with a serious drug problem. He began by using xtc regularly and eventually graduated to LSD and heroin. About three years ago he had a mental breakdown and began hearing voices and talking to himself. He vanished from our lives.”

With eyes on the woman, Dr. Phil nods his head. “That is truly heartbreaking indeed. Thank you for sharing that with me and our audience.” Phil’s eyes return to the camera. “Up next on our cybercrime special, teenage girls are impregnating themselves using semen purchased on the Silk Road. You don’t want to miss what their fathers have to say. Stay with us, we’ll be right back.”

Laying It All Bare

Weev laid nude in the streets on the fateful day of the Charleston shooting, his erection pointed at the heavens while scraping his disproportionally small purple cockhead with his fingernails and moaned, singing Neil Diamond

“White Genocide – bah bah bah, never felt so good, so good!”

He writhed in the parking lot of a black church, small fires burning the pavement as he blew his load on a confederate flag. “Heritage! HAHA! Get it? The joke is it’s NOT funny!”

Many readers liked weev until they learned his anti-semitism and racism were real, after incorrectly attributing his behavior to the raw, satirical baselessness long recognized as a central feature of 4chan culture: offensiveness for offensiveness’ sake.

“The reason you don’t like it now,” weev explains, “is because you identified with my hate, and my philosophy tricked you to reflect on how you also hate niggers, and the Jews.”

Weev backed into his glass construction of hate, down on all fours like a cornered animal, his ears folded back, ready to strike out at any minute. Very threatening. He hissed:

“Arabs have many countries of their own with no white people in them. Same with niggers. No white women to rape or white men to steal from.” Weev scraped the gunk from his ballsack and took a long whiff of his fingertip before jamming it deeply into his nose. He fisted his asshole and screamed. “Demographic declines, miscegnation, GENOCIDE! MY RACE CANNOT ENDURE GENOCIDE AND SLAVERY! GET IT???? AHAHAHHA.”

His Ironic Legacy

Weev’s followers hacked the infrastructure of the US government and usurped all controls, declaring Weev CyberKing of America.

By merely denying services to localities he negotiates changes in the policy of the US government. “My first order as CyberKing is to perpetrate a Cyber 9/11 on the Jews of New York City!” And the electricity in New York City went out for a week. Twenty thousand died from the heat while Weev poked at his laptop and poked at his harem of seventeen Syrian pre-pubescent wives captured by his friends at ISIS.

“Even if there are many false stories told of Weev it is true that he is working with both the terrorist group Da3sh, The Aryan Nation, as well as the Russian kleptocracy. Weev funds his lifestyle as an exile through private contracting in social media propaganda strategy.”

Fifty-thousand feet above a smart bomb detached from a Chronicle.su Global Hawk drone and began tracking Weev’s laptop. Edvard Munch Biella Coleman has her hands on her face, situated in a pastel scene depicting the moment of impact, the nexus of terrorism, internet freedom movements, and the USA. A diesel slick that was formerly Barrett Brown spreads across the water. Weev is Anonymous. We are all Anonymous.

Trolled Into Exile: The Histrionic Death Rattles of Andrew Aurenheimer is part 3 in a multi-part series of biopics called Project Persona Management.

New Subway spokesperson touts strong track record of adult-only pornography

Subway Spokesperson William Grecko
New Subway official spokesman: “I have no interest in your beautiful children, regardless of the fact they might love and actively seek out sexual relationships with me.”

Social media is abuzz with hype over the unveiling of Subway’s new spokesman. After news broke of legendary Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s involvement in a child porn ring, the sandwich giant wants to distance itself as far as possible from the unfortunate stigma of child rape, even going so far as to abandon their iconic “Eat Fresh” trademark slogan.

Rumor has it Subway’s new spokesman, an IT specialist from Utah named William Grecko, is well known for his attraction exclusively to adults. Subway announced Grecko famously walked two miles to Subway from work each day, just to avoid schoolyards and daycare centers, improving health and raising sandwich awareness.

The Subway Corporation said they extend the benefit of the doubt to each individual under employment through the company. Just to be safe, however, Subway executives ordered an official investigation into Grecko’s background and confirmed he is the real deal.

“Unlike my predecessor,” Grecko said on Twitter, “I have no record of sexual misconduct and there is nothing I love more than unprotected sex between two completely shaven, consenting adults on videotape. And I think the investigation will show that.”

Los Angeles authorities confirmed William Grecko’s browser histories contained only legal pornography featuring only adults who work for reputable porn publishers, like Brazzers and Bang Bros, Inc.

Leading detective for the LAPD Todd Herring said his staff searched across three platforms – Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox – and, barring a few outliers, Herring said they found nothing unusual about Grecko’s porn habits.

“We assessed Mr. Grecko’s browser history and found records congruent with California state law, including – but not limited to – interracial granny, lesbian tribadism and Japanese watersports,” Herring told reporters outside a Santa Monica Subway restaurant. “And while our initial findings raised some red flags, we concluded that high-definition German scat porn – while offensive to the senses and strongly indicative of mental illness – is well within the bounds of the law, and decidedly very adult.”

Subway expressed gratitude in an official statement on their website, and Grecko told a pedophile-weary crowd of Subway patrons they have nothing to fear but whether the store is open on Thanksgiving (it is!).

“Ladies and gentlemen, families of all backgrounds, I am pleased to announce I do not want to touch, lick or fondle the supple white bodies of your nonconsenting and sexually unaware innocent young children,” Grecko said, “And I can assure you right now that I will not so much as glance in the direction of their hot little tight asses.”

And before you ask: No, I have no idea what The Onion Router is.

William Grecko, Subway spokesperson

Sensing apprehension from the crowd, Grecko then added how he hates the “dead look” in a child’s eyes during intercourse, and would not be opposed to stricter child endangerment laws.

“I go out of my way to make sure I do not come within 150 yards of places where children are known to be,” Grecko said. “And when I move into my mansion in the Palisades, I’ll be going door-to-door, personally introducing myself and delivering a special message to each and every one of my neighbors, as mandated by both Utah and California state laws!”

I don’t care because you do

Put on the Aphex Twin and listen to me hate

Fuck all of you who suddenly care about people in Paris, people in Uganda, and people scooping oil sands out of the Niger Delta (oh wait, it isn’t time to care about them yet?).

You know who you are: You just saw it on the news, and suddenly now you care. If I hate anything more than hypocrisy, it’s those of you pretending to give a shit about x because y is happening on CNN. They are using you. THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF CABLE TV NEWS IS TO MANIPULATE YOU.

You want to impress me? (No.) Get the fuck off Twitter and Facebook, where I see you cunts, and shut the fuck up and then I’ll really start to notice. Because every time someone hashtags #PrayForParis neither a fuck nor a care is given and I do not recognize your so-called empathy. You are being manipulated into taking a position on an issue you didn’t know exists. Case in point:

I’m not about to waste my time researching whether it’s an authentic video or not because it doesn’t matter. Saudi Arabia, our strongest ally in the Middle East, funds ISIS which means the USA might as well fund ISIS and make their videos for them too. This ain’t yo’ daddy’s worldview! This is the technolibertarian hellscape of the New Century and you’re reading about it live on the Internet Chronicle.

Now, if I am to understand our reasons for destabilizing the Middle East via war and conflict are somehow tied to an improvement in human life, doesn’t it stand to reason we would have started in the absolute asshole of that region? Saudi Arabia: the women-hatin’est, gay-bashin’est, slave-beatin’est, religionest, rootin’ tootin’ HATEHOLE OF THE MIDDLE EAST, Saudi Arabia – with its control over global oil prices, public opinion and influence over mass media – is an abscess on human society. BUT THEY DO OUR BOMBING FOR US SO WE DON’T HAVE TO STRIKE YEMEN OURSELVES. What’s that saying, the shithole of my enemy is my shithole? Saudi Arabia must be about as American as a bald eagle’s pussy because we would question Palestine’s existence before even challenging the Saudi connection to global terrorism – our two best friends got married and we weren’t invited? Well we paid for the wedding, anyway.

By the way: The 9/11 hijackers were Saudi

Your blind support for anything you don’t know or understand is a blank check for powers that extend beyond anything you’ll ever know – all the way to the top – all the way to the masked sex parties where people you’ve never heard of who control the movement of hundreds of billions of dollars are banging virgin sex slaves, who weren’t taught English but trained instead only to articulate “Pray for Paris! Pray for Paris, MASTER!” as some greasy billionaire destroys them before they knew what life was. And you’re right there behind them, sucking the powercock.

So the next time you want to #PrayforParis do it somewhere I can’t see you or hear you, because I don’t give a fuck about Paris because IT WASN’T MY FUCKING IDEA TO CARE ABOUT PARIS. I care about writing this story more than I care how many thousands of people died in the World Trade Center attack, because it wasn’t my idea to care about that, either. How many people bemoan the loss of innocence who remembers where they were when a teacher announced JFK’s assassination, and suddenly they care about a pillar of power they can neither see nor understand, but it controls them?

The next time someone asks you to #PrayforBabyCailey or #PrayforAfrica here’s what you say. “I pray thee: Go fuck yourself. I’ll pray for who I want.”

Of course, prayer is bullshit anyway. If you believe in that shit you should check out The Secret on DVD, and after that, What the Bleep Do We Know? and after that, dude, check out this dank-ass Scientology, it’s got answers, man. Real Solutions. And after that, check out the Nazis, man. Final Solutions.

This is all a ruse to distract you from the systematic subjugation of human culture by turning over our sympathies to whatever is to then be done in our names: In America, everybody fell for that 9/11 bullshit and gave the executive branch more powers, unchecked aggression, and a Patriot ACT that will outlive us all. And rightfully so, your emotional weakness put us here. (Wow, aren’t you afraid of TERRORISM? How about some Terror Raids to correct that!) And they’re using the same tactics in France, where local police will use fears that don’t exist to justify acquisition of MRAPs, an arsenal of automatic machine guns, teargas hand grenades and fresh new black uniforms to battle the mean old fascists! Not turn into them, right? Right?

It's just like that episode of Andy Griffith, where Barny acquired thousands of illegal machine guns and armored personnel carriers for the town of Mayberry.
It’s just like that episode of Andy Griffith, where Barny acquired thousands of illegal machine guns and armored personnel carriers for the town of Mayberry.

HEIL, AMERICA

HEIL SAUDI ARABIA

HEIL ISIS

HEIL PARIS

HEIL FRANCOIS HOLLANDE

HEIL HASHTAG

SIEG HEIL, MEIN EMOTIONS!

In wake of Paris Attacks, Edward Snowden Returns to the United States

Edward Snowden's jet
Edward Snowden’s jet moments before it was boarded by a SWAT team

INTERNET — Friday evening, eyewitnesses at San Francisco International Airport tweeted in astonishment as a SWAT team boarded an Aeroflot passenger jet from Russia as it was still rolling in on the tarmac. Edward Snowden was extracted in handcuffs as the jet ground to a halt.

Snowden mysteriously disappeared from social media site Twitter after the November 13 attacks in Paris. Glenn Greenwald and other privacy advocates are enraged as various law enforcement heads have used the charged moment to appeal for legal rights to backdoors in cryptography software — and also blame Snowden for enabling the deaths.

Snowden showed no indication of any wavering in his ideology in the days leading up to the attacks.  Speculation abounds as to the motives behind his return to the US.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Snowden strongly believes he’ll be tortured upon arrival to the United States and perhaps means to harm himself due to the incredible guilt he must feel at having so many blame him for the Paris Attacks.”

Cory Doctoro, privacy expert, said “This is good, strategically, because Snowden can clear his name and wash his hands of blood. And he’ll get a hell of a lot of attention at the trial, bringing the narrative away from Paris and back to him. We need to maximize Snowden’s effect, and this is just the clever media coup I think they’ve been holding back on for a long time now.”

PENTAGON IGNORES NEW EVIDENCE, CALLING L.A. UFO EXPLOSION ‘A MISSILE TEST’

Blind people wish they could see these harrowing images

CHRONICLE.SU EXCLUSIVE — The Pentagon has refused to address a series of photos which contradict government claims that strange lights seen over Los Angeles late Saturday night were attributable to a naval missile test.

Dozens of reports claim the object in the sky exploded and disappeared, but not before a missile made its way toward the object, exploding nearby, and evaporating both objects into the night sky.

Blind people wish they could see these harrowing images
“It looks like a missile was fired at the object.”

The event took place at very high altitude and could be seen from as far away as Las Vegas and Mexico.

The US Government is calling the event a failed missile test, but their explanation does not account for the presence of what onlookers say “were clearly two objects in the night sky.”

High definition video [below] shows part of the event.

Bug chaser seeks pos-party: ‘I just want to catch a disease’

I am a 19-year-old trans gay boi looking for unlimited bare back action at a pos party near me.

I will get up in the sex chair and let you do whatever to me all night, provided you are HIV-positive.

I have heard that if I already have AIDS I can combine it with someone else’s AIDS to create a super-double-AIDS. That is what I really want to do. I want Super-AIDS.

If the thought of giving me AIDS excites you, please respond below with your email address and I will arrange to have worry-free, unprotected sex. Let’s get this out of the way.

I’m looking at you, Sir Peter Morrison!

Sir Peter Morrison diddles little boys
An eyewitness saw knighted Thatcher aide Peter Morrison ‘take boys to abuse.’ Good guy, though.