Modified Zika Virus outbreak linked to US Navy’s darknet

The Zika Virus is the first strike in a global genetic enslavement regime
The Zika Virus is the first strike in a global genetic enslavement regime

INTERNET — Snowden came forward Sunday with shocking details of a plan by the US Navy to infect mothers in enemy countries with a modified virus that creates pinheaded subhuman babies for future enslavement.

Reporters Frank Mason and Ralph Haetsch met with Edward Snowden inside a custom built Faraday enclosure in Moscow’s Red Square, in which the NSA whistleblower resides permanently. The thin mesh cage of activated steel supposedly separates Snowden from certain microwave annihilation and manipulation via HAARP broadcast. Snowden’s health has begun to deteriorate due to the permanent confinement, and visitors wear masks to prevent themselves from catching his worsening cough.

Snowden’s telepresence at various functions in America has funded an otherwise lavish, futuristic lifestyle. By cleverly looping footage, feigning network downtime, and maintaining nine active laptops, Snowden hopes to one day spread the message of a free and democratic Internet to every village in the world. But for today’s announcement, Snowden powered down all his computers and gave Internet Chronicle reporters his full attention.

Snowden cleared his swollen throat and spoke in a somber, hushed voice, “When Glenn Greenwald told you the best was yet to come, he meant it. The Zika Virus is part of a nascent genetic discipline system in development by the United States Navy.”

Muttering and coughing as he outlined the connection between Tor and the genetic weaponry, Snowden suddenly found his voice and spoke with total clarity, “The modified Zika virus and its specially engineered carrier mosquito were developed with the use of a distributed supercomputer piggybacking on the popular darknet nodes of Tor. It’s not anything anyone would ever see in the source code, it’s hiding in the advanced math. A few specially designed rogue nodes seed the crypto network causing it to solve problems related to creating genetic weaponry like the Zika virus.”

Snowden croaked, on the verge of tears, “4,000 children in Brazil were genetically modified by the US Navy’s weapon, transforming babies into what internal documents call ‘slave stock’. Genetic weaponry has been deployed for the first time on the populations of South America.”

Haetsch asked Snowden if he would end public support for the Navy’s darknet, Tor, which incidentally enables such horrific genetic warfare, but Snowden only doubled down on his previous position. “You should still use Tor. If you’re a dissident you need cover, it is still the only fully scalable and effective Crypto out there. It saved my life, and it could save yours.”

Lebal Drocer board calls diversity proposal ‘unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding’

Lebal Drocer Diversity Report 2015 - The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.

lebal-drocer-dismisses-diversity-proposalThe company, like other big tech firms, has been criticized for being mostly male and predominantly white.

Last year, Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers praised a diverse workplace. He said diversity is “whatever, pretty good I guess,” adding that having colored folk around, and women, could improve the company’s image.

But Lebal Drocer’s board of directors opposes a new proposal to increase diversity among its white, cis male-dominated Alpha Management team at the top.

The proposal, submitted by Lebal Drocer shareholder Lequita McNority, would require an aggressive recruitment policy to change the company’s demographic makeup.

“You can’t say anything anymore.”

Lebal Drocer

The board rejected it, saying it is “unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding,” according to an announcement sent last week ahead of its February shareholder meeting held each month in the basement of a Richmond, Va. gentleman’s club.

There are eight people on Lebal Drocer’s board. They are all white, bearded men, except for Lequita who got the job because she was “at one time, always down to fuck.” Her diversity proposal, the company says, sounds just like something a woman would do.

Lebal Drocer’s executive team, like many major tech and chemical firms, is united by a common struggle: being a white male minority in a crazy, mixed up world of political correctness.

Lebal Drocer insists that it is doing its part to improve the stats:

Lebal Drocer has demonstrated to shareholders its commitment to whitewashing anything having to do with inclusion and diversity, which – as we continue to reiterate, but just like a woman not to listen – are core values for our company. Our 2015 diversity report reveals that 69% of the company is male and 31% are males who identify as women. So back the fuck up, shitlords.”

Lebal Drocer Diversity Report 2015 - The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.
The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.

The board said its efforts are already much “broader” than what’s requested in the proposal.

“We already hire coloreds: We have an efficient, proud janitorial staff at Lebal Drocer headquarters in Cuthbert, and a fantastic team of secretaries composed of some of the most beautiful women in Atlanta.”

Lebal Drocer did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but they did pay us to write this article.

Molly Crabapple calls for American Troops to intervene in Syria

Molly Crabapple calls for the US to mount an all-out invasion of Syria
Molly Crabapple calls for the US to mount an all-out invasion of Syria

INTERNET — Molly Crabapple tweeted Monday, “The US needs to launch an all-out ground assault on Syria to end Assad’s war crimes in Madaya,” Crabapple reiterated her position that US commanders are “pussies” for hesitating to bomb brown people so close to the Charlie Hebdo anniversary, adding, “Je Suis Charlie.”

“Je suis Charlie.” – M. Crabapple

Rachel Haywire, founder of the Molly Crabapple Fan Club, told reporters, “Some of Crabapple’s veteran and mercenary fans have already landed in Syria, armed to the teeth and ready to kill Assad himself. These are holy warriors on crusade.”

Crabapple recently finished a book tour for her latest offering at Lebal Drocer printing house, Cutting for Fame, a pornographic tale of masochistic excess and Machiavellian power grabs. It has achieved critical and popular acclaim, accounting for an outlandish focus of power, suspicion, and hatred upon the self-described “egg-headed slut,” Crabapple.

Leading political expert and fellow at the Internet Chronicle Department of Foreign Studies Dr. Angstrom H. Truebadour told chronicle.su he is deeply concerned about both Quangel and Crabapple’s promotion of the ongoing crisis in Syria.

Crabapple promised to personally hunt down and punish the “bastard trolls” responsible for aggressions against her family name. Already a hate mob on twitter is tracking down and ruining UN operative EM Quangel, the hate groupie who disappeared cunningly from Twitter last week in the wake of Crabapple’s doxing. She dealt a devastating blow to Quangel, the Spooks authors’ career, a move that Dr. Truebador called “a sad deviation from dankass cash money values.”

“We all did our time,” Truebadour said. “We saw the numbers in 2010-2011-2012. So many thousands dead: Assad did it. The rebels did it. We feel just terrible about it. But more bombing? The place is rebar, broken glass. Crabapple wants charred sand?”

Truebadour waved off the press as they gathered around his window atop an ivory tower in Princeton. Before closing the shutters, he flicked everyone off, and exposed himself to a female reporter standing on the lawn below. No charges were filed.

UPDATE: Crabapple tweeted a flurry of texts directing her soldiers in war, “I want all my fighters in Syria on Tor, immediately,” adding, “Slit Assad’s Throat!”

Molly Crabapple aka Jennifer Caban doxes author EM Quangel

Jennifer Caban supports and embodies US militarism disguised as subversive activism
Jennifer Caban supports and embodies US militarism disguised as subversive activism

INTERNET — Friday, effete splatter artist and debutante author Molly Crabapple aka Jennifer Caban revealed the true name of pseudonymous author Emma Quangel, igniting a firestorm of criticism and hatred. Crabapple and others justified the doxing under the reasoning that Quangel supports Assad by denying the starvation of children in the siege of Madaya and worse — that Quangel supports terrorists.

Quangel completely disappeared from social media and has so far made no comment despite a long history of antagonism towards Crabapple.

The extremist left Quangel identifies with has been quick to issue many reprisals in her absence, including the usual evidence of Crabapple’s association with Neo-Nazi and influential internet troll Andrew Aurenheimer aka Weev. They hold that the so-called “celebrity left” of which Crabapple is a prime example is a propaganda implement of US militarism. Crabapple’s recent support for the US military’s distributed cryptographic weapons system, Tor, is another piece of evidence which in their eyes makes Crabapple into an agent of empire. Whether a mere panderer, Machiavellian mastermind, CIA spook, or unwitting shill, her doxing of Quangel has drawn greater consternation and suspicion than ever before.

Typical to many in the extremist left, Quangel focused criticism on Crabapple with a remarkable intensity and frequency. She went farther than most by publishing a dystopian science fiction book, Spooks, which explicates her position against the kind of sexed up politics unique to Crabapple’s brand.

Quangel’s cohorts were quick to point out her good work in publicizing the Dylann Roof manifesto as well as her job acting as press officer for the International Organization for Migration (IOM), a job which is now possibly endangered due to Crabapple’s doxing, although IOM has refused to comment.

Personal attacks and allegations have been directed towards Quangel, accusing her of an overly affluential upbringing as the daughter of a CNN anchor.

Fighters in Syria are surely holding their breath to see what happens next in the conflict between Quangel and Caban, the most important and dramatic front in their war.

Quangel is scheduled to appear on Chronicle.su HATE RADIO to talk about her book Spooks — if she ever resurfaces.

Man’s desperate quest for meaning ends at these best new tech gadgets of 2016

Check these dank new products that are totally gonna save you from the pain of being alone. Lebal Drocer, Inc. proudly presents our Top 5 Products of 2016 Guaranteed To Distract You From The Pain of Existence!

It’s true Jesus had to walk that lonesome valley, but Jesus didn’t have Twitter on an enecrypted futurephone, either. These wonderful new products promise to destroy the thing inside you that hurts when you face the world :D

Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!
Sit back and enjoy the future! Tech progress is constantly delivering solutions to problems you never knew existed!

Google Cardboard

Have you ever wanted to wear a smartphone on your FACE? Why not? With Google Cardboard, you can see – up close and personal – the evolution of human fear through the new Imminent Fear app, which is still in beta but shows great promise in its ability to horrify even the most centered user.

Imminent Fear takes you on a virtual tour through the dark thoughts lurking in the collective unconscious. Is that the sound of a baby dying? I didn’t ask to be born. What’s that guy doing–SUICIDE BOMBER! #ISIS IS HERE AND IT’S WORLD WAR III. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A REAL JOB!

iPhone Watch App

Have you ever wanted an iPhone Watch, but you were afraid you wouldn’t be able to find the right app on the Apple AppStore? Have no fear, consumers: The iPhone Watch App – although the jokes are 12 months too late – is still useful as ever! Just looking at it will make you feel like you deserve an Apple Watch on each wrist.

Coming Soon: Apple cRing! An Apple Watch for your Cock!

Tesla Model S

This sleek Android phone comes with a fast electric car built around it. All your Silicon Valley friends will want one, but YOU signed up for it first. Show off on reddit when the wooden crate is dropped off outside your McMansion: “Tesla Unboxing Video: Never Before Seen Car Drives Itself Into The Future!”

Are you tired of gaudy door handles that poke out for anyone in the world to grab hold of? The all-new Tesla Model S is capable of driving itself, and deciding who drives it! Users wishing to operate the vehicle must swipe their iPhone 6s Plus across a Point-of-Sale located near the driver’s window before gaining access to the futuristic car interior.

No poorfags allowed! The Model S requires a minimum bank balance of $250,000 before starting the ignition.

Encrypted Phones

Are your conversations about fingerfucking a mistress too important to leak to every Snowden and Manning with minimum-level access? Secure your nefarious activities for a limited time with the GATCA enecrypted smartphone. This phone is so secure, it is constantly under threat of intrusion!

techno-anarchists

Now you, too, can safely leak documents to the press about government wrongdoings, and cutting-edge AES 512 encryption buys you enough time to book a flight to Hong Kong, Moscow, Geneva — wherever! Except not Geneva.

But act fast! Those helium-cooled NSA supercomputers are gonna COME AT YA BRO when you’re using this ego-inflating, delusions-of-grandeur-fueling smartphone.

[Editor’s note: You are nothing.]

Vertical Rocketry

Is that a flagging erection on your launchpad? Nope. It’s a vertical rocket landing that has us shrieking like apes around a monolith. Have you ever wanted to see a rocket reused, over and over again like some kind of cosmic dildo? Now is your chance. Is it news? Is it a commercial? Who knows!

We successfully defunded NASA to the point where Americans are happy to see anything go to space and come back. Rally round the Branson! With a pocket full of shekels. The age of government tyranny over space has come to an end. With Obama signing asteroid and moon mining rights over to whoever wants it, America sets a new standard of liberty across the world; a nod to Galileo, and a wink to Reagan; a neoliberal shot in the dark; with one eye on the heavens, and the other on a bank account, humanity dares to venture to trillion-dollar asteroids full of shiny stuff that is not quite as abundant on earth, and mine it for sweet, economy-collapsing profit.

Get in on the ground floor, and invest your paltry savings into a sure thing. Vertical rocketry is guaranteed to really get your dicks hard.

—–

This award-winning article is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

New Futurism, For A Better Tomorrow

“Cultural Marxism” is scare propaganda for sad losers

This weird creep is a hero to many other obvious creeps
This weird creep is a hero to many other obvious creeps

Cultural Marxism, a supposed race-based modification on Marx, created in the terrified imaginings of people with hostility for all race politics, completely ignores the works of Marx and uses that name only because it evokes fear. By mere substitution of race for class in the popular misunderstanding of Marx, the modified “Cultural” Marxism is an imagined tool used for suppressing white people. It is preposterous to suggest that such a view has ever existed except in the shattered mirror of hostile sources, and it is certainly beyond credulity to suggest such a view is dominant now.

Almost all SJWs — to use the hostile term — are intersectionalist and rather than taking the worst from Marx and (Critical) Theory and concocting something that sure looks like obvious scare propaganda, they are generally voicing a point of view that puts marginalized and demonized peoples of all classes and races at the center of the discussion. That their arguments have made some headway in the world for struggling people is certainly good for us all. The economy as well as compassion is not zero sum, in fact it takes less effort to just not fuck with people. Why do it? What a waste.

Nobody is teaching college students to hate white men. Nobody is wishing poverty on whites or orchestrating immigration invasion. Cultural Marxism is nothing more than scare propaganda for the easily triggered loser with a weak sense of identity who cannot abide multitude. The prophet of Cultural Marxism, Anders Breivik, was a friendless sad man who, despite his affluence, felt victimized by immigration. He isolated himself after multiple plastic surgeries and even in the depths of his suicidal pact with himself he was too scared to speak to women. The costs of his bomb-making plot were far beyond reasonable, the methods were completely absurd, and his autobiography is the most extreme form of self-mutilation possible. He thought of fine dining as a greater necessity for bomb making than practical concerns like pulverizing explosive components. That’s the type of guy to needlessly bury murder equipment, to travel to Budapest only to buy a hooker and fail at the completely unnecessary and expensive mission of purchasing illegal weapons. He is the prototype and caricature of shut-in video game nerds who log on to the net only to cluck about cucks and SJWs because they have no other source of satisfaction in life.

LebalDrocer YouTopia Foam Mansion Project ushers in the final end to poverty and human struggle

Acclaimed housing expert and inventor of tomorrow’s forms of social domination, Dr. Angstrom H. Buckminster Troubadour, told a warm audience of white silicon valley elites exactly what they wanted to hear — the unsightliness of poverty has finally and permanently been solved by his team of scientists at the YouTopia foam mansion housing project.

“I’ve heard about the Yogi Vinay Gupta hellhole yurt and those pieces of shit are cardboard boxes that don’t get soggy.” Troubadour said. “Try living like that for a night. Try a year. They’re about as big and nice as a dog house, and the crypto mesh network has the slowest internet you’ve ever experienced. If you want tomorrow’s revolutionaries living in refrigerator sized yurts using an Internet that won’t make anyone any money, that’s fine for the third world, but Lebal Drocer and the Troubador YouTopia Foam Mansion Project promises a New World in which those displaced by corporate greed live like the 1% themselves.”

gupta-yurt-hell
Vinay Gupta casts dead eyes over a modern-day concentration camp of his making.

The individual foam mansion units, nicknamed YouTopia boxes by Dr. Troubadour, occupy a space roughly the size of a wooden shipping pallet but when constructed form a shining three story McMansion.

“These foam mansions are the beginning of a new era beyond sustainability. Their existence creates resources. These foam mansions promise to shake the very foundations of what it means to live inside foam. This is THE END and THE BEGINNING of the American underclass!” The audience fell silent with awe, in the grips of Troubador’s meaningful pause.

Troubador pounded his chest and the crowd withered beneath his terrible gaze, “Vinay Gupta says life viewed from inside a tiny foam yurt – a so-called solution to poverty – is to view the world from a high upon a heavenly cloud. For people like him, who have no lust for power, Lebal Drocer thinks that’s fine. But this is America, where we make winners and losers get what’s coming — a Gupta death camp. Life viewed from atop the Lebal Drocer Foam Mansion is always lined with gold, satisfyingly gripping to its foundation with the viscous blood of the shiftless masses far below.”

“The beginning of a new epoch — an invention more important than fire.”

Size comparison between Gupta's rat trap and Troubador's foam mansion.
Size comparison between Gupta’s rat trap and Troubador’s foam mansion.

Troubador pressed a button on his gadget and summoned a hologram fly-through of his incredible foam mansion exposing all the most beautiful, high-class amenities. “These foam castles are far better than Vinay Gupta’s hovels because they are made from 100% recycled gym mat foam salvaged from middle school foreclosures taking place all across America. The price on this recyclable material has plummeted even further since Subway ended the practice of putting it into their bread. In fact, because of total lack of regulation in so-called ‘sacrifice zones’ we’re now able to create a totally sustainable paradise home for half the price of the average sedan.”

The crowd cried out in agony as if tortured by ecstasy upon receiving knowledge that Troubador had not only solved poverty but also the issue of social mobility. He leaned forward and brought them to an even higher climax with a well-timed techno mind grenade, turning the congregation into a writhing pile of flesh, each mind surging with the force of 10,000 simultaneous orgasms.

“We got foam-ass mansions up in here. The plumbing is thin plastic – so thin – maybe it’s like thin aluminum cans or something, and we make the wires even thinner. We actually run network cables into these mansions with a free internet plan from Facebook!”

Hundreds in the audience fell to their knees, supplicants at the altar of Lebal Drocer. A woman was heard weeping. A baby spoke in tongues.

Troubadour raised his fist, and his voice, threatening any detractors. “Any talk of these mansions taking their materials from the so-called middle or lower foam class is communist ideology that will result in genocide of all castes,” Troubadour barked. “I will personally kill, with these two bare hands, any potential future dissidents calling for liberation movements on the basis of class, race, creed, or gender. Foam, and nothing but foam shall be tolerated henceforth as the only legitimate political speech and action. We would rather DIE than see our fellow man force-Ubered into one of Gupta’s hovel camps. Instead, we aim to see humanity’s worst raised to the towering height of this shining foam mansion — a castle, a conquest, a Bordello.”

The hologram foam mansion twirled and glowed, filling with the naked bodies of masturbating futanari all reaching orgasm at once, spraying their hermaphroditic fluids like a leaky firehose onto every surface of the glorious, shining foam.