Month: January 2016

INTERNET — Snowden came forward Sunday with shocking details of a plan by the US Navy to infect mothers in enemy countries with a modified virus that creates pinheaded subhuman babies for future enslavement.

Reporters Frank Mason and Ralph Haetsch met with Edward Snowden inside a custom built Faraday enclosure in Moscow’s Red Square, in which the NSA whistleblower resides permanently. The thin mesh cage of activated steel supposedly separates Snowden from certain microwave annihilation and manipulation via HAARP broadcast. Snowden’s health has begun to deteriorate due to the permanent confinement, and visitors wear masks to prevent themselves from catching his worsening cough.

Snowden’s telepresence at various functions in America has funded an otherwise lavish, futuristic lifestyle. By cleverly looping footage, feigning network downtime, and maintaining nine active laptops, Snowden hopes to one day spread the message of a free and democratic Internet to every village in the world. But for today’s announcement, Snowden powered down all his computers and gave Internet Chronicle reporters his full attention.

Snowden cleared his swollen throat and spoke in a somber, hushed voice, “When Glenn Greenwald told you the best was yet to come, he meant it. The Zika Virus is part of a nascent genetic discipline system in development by the United States Navy.”

Muttering and coughing as he outlined the connection between Tor and the genetic weaponry, Snowden suddenly found his voice and spoke with total clarity, “The modified Zika virus and its specially engineered carrier mosquito were developed with the use of a distributed supercomputer piggybacking on the popular darknet nodes of Tor. It’s not anything anyone would ever see in the source code, it’s hiding in the advanced math. A few specially designed rogue nodes seed the crypto network causing it to solve problems related to creating genetic weaponry like the Zika virus.”

Snowden croaked, on the verge of tears, “4,000 children in Brazil were genetically modified by the US Navy’s weapon, transforming babies into what internal documents call ‘slave stock’. Genetic weaponry has been deployed for the first time on the populations of South America.”

Haetsch asked Snowden if he would end public support for the Navy’s darknet, Tor, which incidentally enables such horrific genetic warfare, but Snowden only doubled down on his previous position. “You should still use Tor. If you’re a dissident you need cover, it is still the only fully scalable and effective Crypto out there. It saved my life, and it could save yours.”

INTERNET — Molly Crabapple tweeted Monday, “The US needs to launch an all-out ground assault on Syria to end Assad’s war crimes in Madaya,” Crabapple reiterated her position that US commanders are “pussies” for hesitating to bomb brown people so close to the Charlie Hebdo anniversary, adding, “Je Suis Charlie.”[pullquote]”Je suis Charlie.” – M. Crabapple[/pullquote]

Rachel Haywire, founder of the Molly Crabapple Fan Club, told reporters, “Some of Crabapple’s veteran and mercenary fans have already landed in Syria, armed to the teeth and ready to kill Assad himself. These are holy warriors on crusade.”

Crabapple recently finished a book tour for her latest offering at Lebal Drocer printing house, Cutting for Fame, a pornographic tale of masochistic excess and Machiavellian power grabs. It has achieved critical and popular acclaim, accounting for an outlandish focus of power, suspicion, and hatred upon the self-described “egg-headed slut,” Crabapple.

Leading political expert and fellow at the Internet Chronicle Department of Foreign Studies Dr. Angstrom H. Truebadour told chronicle.su he is deeply concerned about both Quangel and Crabapple’s promotion of the ongoing crisis in Syria.

Crabapple promised to personally hunt down and punish the “bastard trolls” responsible for aggressions against her family name. Already a hate mob on twitter is tracking down and ruining UN operative EM Quangel, the hate groupie who disappeared cunningly from Twitter last week in the wake of Crabapple’s doxing. She dealt a devastating blow to Quangel, the Spooks authors’ career, a move that Dr. Truebador called “a sad deviation from dankass cash money values.”

“We all did our time,” Truebadour said. “We saw the numbers in 2010-2011-2012. So many thousands dead: Assad did it. The rebels did it. We feel just terrible about it. But more bombing? The place is rebar, broken glass. Crabapple wants charred sand?”

Truebadour waved off the press as they gathered around his window atop an ivory tower in Princeton. Before closing the shutters, he flicked everyone off, and exposed himself to a female reporter standing on the lawn below. No charges were filed.

UPDATE: Crabapple tweeted a flurry of texts directing her soldiers in war, “I want all my fighters in Syria on Tor, immediately,” adding, “Slit Assad’s Throat!”