Man struggles to answer ‘whose baby?’

CONGRATULATIONS YOU WON
Jim Callahan could not answer the question 'whose baby?'
Jim Callahan could not answer the rhetorical question.

RICHMOND, Va. – A Richmond man found himself puzzled Tuesday by the question, “whose baby?” when posited by his eccentric uncle.

“He just came out of the bathroom and said it,” Jim Callahan, a Richmond SEO analyst, said. “He said, ‘whose baby?’ And I didn’t know what to say.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Talkenlaut, professor emeritus of linguistics at MIT, said the question goes back to mankind’s earliest communication fundamentals, the call-and-response.

“Whose baby?” – similar to questions, “Whose buddy?” and “Whose boy?” – begs the question, to whom does one belong? That is to say, who is your main man, who is your boy, who is your buddy, and who is your baby? To which the response, in every case, is unanimously, “Yours.” — Dr. Talkenlaut

Callahan recalls that he paused in reflection of the question.

“I thought, ‘Whose baby am I?'” Callahan said. “I just couldn’t answer the question. I asked him, ‘Am I supposed to say ‘yours?'”

Callahan said the uncle laughed and said, “Well, we’re still two pretty good old boys, aren’t we?”

Talkenlaut could not defend the exchange, and went home early. Callahan’s brain exploded, and the uncle proceeded to watch YouTube videos of ‘old sawmills in action,’ and ‘old dirt bikes.’

INTERNET CHRONICLE ‘SLAMMIN SPIKES’ AFTER EPIC DEATH HOAX

INTERNET – Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce a new milestone in clickbait perfection: Last week’s death hoax, Rob Ford Dead At 46, netted a record 4 million pageviews overnight as the world flocked to confirm the truth about former Toronto mayor Rob Ford.

“We were slammin spikes last night when chronicle.su – with the aide of 4chan, our personal army – tricked the world into believing Rob Ford’s lifestyle had finally caught up with him,” kilgoar, The Internet Chronicle Managing Editor, said.

But when the public discovered mayor Ford is alive and well, they logged on to The Internet Chronicle to express disbelief and outrage.

Lil Wayne death hoax

CHRONICLE.SU ANTHROPOLOGIST AND REAL DOCTOR Dr. Angstrom H. Trustworthy weighed in on the celebrity death hoax phenomenon, explaining it as a kind of punishment laid out by trolls for the CAPITAL SIN of idolatry:

“The thing about these spikes,” Troubadele said, “is you get addicted. Addicted as fuck, even.”

Troubadong described the satisfaction Chronicle staff take from hoaxing as “an orgasmic rush of power and ego.”

Big hits, Troaddsmith said, are a euphoria that clouds his vision and leaves him with powerful headaches.

“When a hoax goes international, man, it’s like being wrapped in a warm blanket and talking to your best friend. It also makes you want to kill yourself because you work for years to create quality, wholesome content, only to find the public rushing like banshees after a piece of candy you dropped. You weaponize language like that because you want to see their celebrity worship hurt them.”

This article is part of an ongoing series known as Miley Analytics
This article is part of a series called Miley Analytics.

See also: Rob Ford holds numerous world records in the terror simulation game Coke Fiend 3.

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford ‘alive and well’ at 46

Bernie Sanders

TORONTO – The infamous former mayor of Toronto, accused of stealing public money to fuel his own crack cocaine addiction, was pronounced ‘alive and healthy’ Sunday by Jeremy Lions, the Ford family doctor, who added, “But I don’t see what the big deal is. Why, did something happen?”

On the front lawn of his home in the suburbs, Ford told supporters, “I appreciate your concern, but don’t act like you care now.”

He paused and looked around at the audience of eager reporters and gawking onlookers. “As long as we’re talking about concerns,” he said, “as far as I’m concerned, you can all go fuck yourselves right here on the street. That’s my position on this matter.”

The Internet exploded into a ticker tape parade for the disgraced leader who, by some prankster trickery, was feared dead. The “Ontario Trump” as he’s called, is a celebrated figure among redditors, who will upvote anything that intensifies the reverberations of their Silicon Valley of Death worshiping echo chamber.

Neoliberal partnerships advance chronicle.su agenda ‘one step closer to peaceful annihilation’

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Zombie Apocalypse Edition
It was just cats, everywhere: Kilgoar
hatesec is a cat on the internet

The Internet Chronicle has combined forces with Hate Security by Hatesec Enterprises, a Lebal Drocer affiliate.

The new partnership’s dual purpose is to simultaneously hack your iPhone using powerful, state-of-the-art decryption techniques, and provide a propaganda mouthpiece for the ruling elite, who got that way because they have earned it.

You’re reading it here first: Reading chronicle.su is not just emotionally harmful, it is now a national security concern. You should have read our privacy policy.

There are doubts.

“Damn, son. Ya know you done fucked up, right?” – kilgoar

But through our efforts, We, the people will rise up against the tyranny of chronicle.su, and restore order to an otherwise verdant, and peaceful world.

It is for that reason that we preemptively name this day “Victory Day” to commemorate mankind’s erasure of everything but the myriad black memories of atrocities carried out by The Internet Chronicle. This is like, the 9/11 of chronicle.su right now. I mean, we are seizing the means of production. You know? This place.

Never Forget.

[Pause here for a moment of silence]

[Thank you]

Now let’s see what’s inside those phones!

hatesec out

*drops the mic*

chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, INC.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford dead at 46

Toronto Mayor Rib Ford, on drugs
Former Toronto mayor Rob Ford died at age 46.

TORONTO – Rob Ford, the former Toronto mayor, died over the weekend after a long battle with “just having an awesome, good time.”

The infamous Toronto mayor actually died painfully from cancer. Ford was a human being whose pain led him to drugs and partying, which was fun – even if the fun was only for himself – and may have led to his early demise.

Listen (or look): I am not going to sit on my internet ass and tell you Rob Ford was a good leader. He wasn’t even a good man. But like so many of us, Ford did not give a fuck to please you or anyone around him. But unlike so many of us, Mayor Ford did not hide his growing contempt for society and family, which you’re all so intent on creating for us. Ford cared, but only in that kind of, “I wish you were all better, but none of us are, so I’m getting fucked up now,” sort of way. I saw him, insane in the eyes and beautifully grotesque, and for once in my life, I could relate to a public official. I could discuss politics.

Who hasn’t been there? You’re at one of those imperceptible milestones – you can’t see it, but you know – this is as good as you’re ever going to do in life, but you’re fucking it up at the same time as you witness previously undiscovered definitions of mediocrity reveal themselves to you.

Some of us handle this with pure rationalism. Others, delusional barking, and lashing out. And some of us, like Mayor Ford, internalize that battle and fight against ourselves, so hateful for the enemy whom everyone knows best – himself. Attacking the problem at the source, we destroy ourselves and maybe a few others along the way. Ford went down in a hateful quiet, fighting cancer while we laughed at his death throes. Drugs and alcohol. His mental illness was hilarious. His death, our punchline.

Don’t you hate it? Kick him out on corruption charges. Since everything is a joke anyway, to Mr. Ford, you had him die alone, as a joke. But who cares? He was corrupt, by any definition of the word. Offensive by every sense.

We saw in Rob Ford what we saw in ourselves. A depraved, emaciated, psychotic animal, clawing its way out, ugly and wet, and reeking of urine. In fact, Rob Ford’s open manner of drug abuse and public freakouts are the two main activities that built this very website, chronicle.su, so here’s to Rob Ford, who died carrying that message to so many people: Thank you.

We have your back, sir. We’ll carry this torch.

“I might look like Robert Ford, but I feel just like Jesse James.”

MANIFESTO FOR MILLENNIALS

The Internet kills thousands of people each year, including CHILDREN.

OH BLEAK, RAINBOW-TINTED POST-APOCALYPTIC IMAGE-DRENCHED MILLENNIALS OF THE WORLD WIDE INTERWEB

Whether ye brand be Bro, Redneck, Hip Hopper, Pill Popper, Punk, Nerd, Hippie, Goth, Fur, Gamer

You are WORTHLESS, and your tuna munching at that important meeting is a disaster for everyone around you!

You’re probably sitting there underemployed, overworked, without benefits, crushed by student loans, and up to your ass in busywork in an office full of older people who just read that story disparaging your generation. They’re all having a chuckle at you right now, aren’t they? This happens at least once or twice a month. They pass these stories around and synchronize a hateful change in their attitudes towards you in the workplace.

Now it’s lunchtime and you feel sudden terror at remembering you packed a tuna sandwich.

MILLENIALS: GO FORTH INTO THE WORLD AND EAT THAT TUNA SANDWICH

 

55% of Bernie voters to shift to Trump if Hillary wins

Bernie supporters pledge to switch over to Trump if Hillary wins
Bernie supporters pledge to switch over to Trump if Hillary wins

INTERNET — Despite lies peddled by the Hillary-controlled media, Bernie Sanders still has a very likely chance of winning the primary despite facing nearly impossible odds. However, a recent poll by Quinnipiac showed that 55% of Bernie voters would shift their votes to Trump if given Hillary as the only other choice. Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador deconstructed the meaning of this statistical finding, saying, “Voting for Hillary in the primaries is over a half a vote given to Trump. End of story.”

Bernie supporters waved the numbers in Hillary supporters’ faces on social media, final mathematical proof of the correctness of voting for Sanders. Some person somewhere posted on Reddit in response to this very story, “No one can deny it. We hold all the power and they have nothing but their fake establishment tricks – and you know what? We don’t want that. Nothing could be worse than that. And we hold Hillary to be equally as conservative as Trump, because she voted for war and there is basically no difference except that Trump is not a part of the establishment. He is at least a political revolution. Things may get worse before they get better, but under Hillary it would be the very end. The bitter, cold end when America is ruined and tech companies like Apple and Facebook have to take the lead. Democracy 2.0 is on its way, and the antiquated slow-paced stuff is out, it’s crumbling before our eyes.”

Famous political blogger Forrest Oldman said, “The American people, we are like the undergrowth in a forest where the soil is wrecked. It’s rootbound with the overgrowth of big trees, corporations. They stand tall, blocking out the sun. For some it is okay, but for most there is no hope in sight. Their lives are precarious and lean, and they will vote for any hope at all, especially false hopes. The old trees talk to them, tell them how to grow, ‘Do not prune us, for you might one day be a giant yourself. Feed on the lead corrupted waters that we won’t, and you will be stronger than we ever were.’ And so they slowly coax the life out of Americans everywhere.”

VICE: What it’s like to work under Rupert Murdoch

As a techbro thrillionaire living in Silicon[e] Valley, I can tell you the pussy gets pretty epic. But something I don’t always talk about is how I owe it all to “the big guy upstairs,” Rupert Murdoch, founder of News Corp.

After Vice was quietly purchased by the media mogul publisher of FOX News and The Sun, Rupert Murdoch gradually turned Vice into a clickbait hellhole, and that’s where I come in.

Working as a Vice journalist used to mean something: We were at the bleeding edge of modern journalism, risking our freedom to show you North Korea from the inside, and voyaged into the South American underbelly to reveal scopolamine abuse, an amnesiac, deliriant powder used for mind control. But thanks to Rupert Murdoch, that’s all changed. Since the topiary takeover, I have propelled Vice into viral success using such original ideas as, “What it’s like to drive for Uber,” and “What it’s like to pee sitting down for 30 days: I literally peed sitting down.”

The Topiary Takeover left Rupert Murdoch's "The Sun" in shambles.
The Topiary Takeover left Rupert Murdoch’s “The Sun” in shambles.

Profits have never been better. We fired investigative journalists in exchange for sit-at-home bloggers, and because we no longer challenge the status quo, sitting editors no longer fear for their lives. It’s win-win! Except instead of bringing you interesting new content, we now guide you in the long tradition of white apology.

I’d like to thank you for your misplaced trust which made us rich and famous and remind you that, yes, Rupert Murdoch really, really does own Vice, and yes, that fact has changed our shitty publication for the worse. But you’re still in college, and you still want to work for us, don’t you. Yes, you do.

Come on in. Murdoch is always hungry for fresh souls.

Donald Trump found dead with ‘pillow over head’

Campaign staffers found Trump dead in his bed Sunday morning
Campaign staffers found Trump dead in his bed Sunday morning

OHIO — Campaign assistants found Donald Trump dead in his hotel room Sunday morning with a pillow over his head. The assistants found his body after the bombastic presidential hopeful failed to appear for breakfast.

Foul play was ruled out of Trump’s death by US Marshals and Secret Service agents following a brief, but thorough investigation. The death follows an assassination attempt at a rally in Ohio on Saturday.

Detective John Kimball told reporters, “There is no need for an autopsy as it was clearly a natural death.”

Trump’s followers have clung to anger and hostility even in the moment of his death, gathering in public spaces not to hold vigil or pay respects at impromptu shrines, but instead registering their grief by brandishing assault rifles and shouting obscenity at passing Mexicans and Muslims, blaming them for the death of their beloved would-be leader.

Few of Trump’s followers are accepting the official story on his death. Online comments are split, with some believing the death is part of an ongoing Obama assassination program targeting powerful conservative figures — linking the killing to judge Scalia’s death. Others believe the killing was paid for by Ted Cruz’s campaign and only made to look like another Obama hit so as to not affect Cruz’s sure shot at the presidential nomination. Even others see potential ISIS or communist groups behind the assassination. Prominent alt-right figure Greg McNolty said “Cultural Marxists will do anything to keep the white man down. I don’t see how anyone with their eyes open can deny Obama’s totalitarian Marxist regime is murdering all its enemies. Breitbart, Scalia, and now Trump. Everyone knows the CIA’s got air pistols with undetectable poison darts made of ice. They could’ve fried his heart with HAARP if they wanted. None of the weapons they’d use are even detectable.”

Donald Trump supporters “raping back” after anti-racist protestors shut down rally in Chicago

gangrapingCHICAGO — Friday night after protestors blocked a Donald Trump rally, frustrated Trump supporters fought back by gang raping people of color.

Riot police, outraged by infringements upon The Apprentice stars’ First Amendment rights, massaged their engorged organs from behind the privacy of bullet proof shields, beating at anyone who tried to escape the brutish kettle of primal abjection.

The rapers screeched “White genocide,” and whispered Trump slogans to their victims as a threat.

“You’re going to build the wall, and you’re going to like it, ya Mexican bitch,” one raper exclaimed on rape footage posted on LiveLeak. All videos of the incident were wiped from the internet quickly and a general media blackout continues unabated.

Many offenders took to social media to brag on the hashtag #TrumpRapeCrew. One rapist said, “We went after the Muslims because they must be used to it by now with how theyre [sic] countries are.” Other commenters hopped on the hashtag, connecting the event to the migrant rapings in Europe, “Whites aren’t just going to let themselves suffer genocide by the rapist hordes of muslim migrants. We’re finally raping back.”

“Build up the wall! Build up the wall!” the bloodthirsty crowd repeated.

The riot police handcuffed each rape victim as a single team of paramedics attended to the grievous wounds.

One Mexican, lying in the street and bound in zip-ties after an apparent attack, cried out for water.

“Get this…Mexican man some water, he’s dehydrated,” a paramedic said. “And he’s Mexican!”

A fair-skinned female medic unscrewed the lid of her canteen, kneeling in the grass at a reasonable distance from the brown-skinned man. She scooped up a pile of fresh dirt and added it to the draught.

“Here, it’s ready for him,” she said, and screwed the lid back on tight. She slid the canteen across the pavement to her partner. “This is how they drink it.”

The burly blonde EMS reassured the victim, pouring the sandy water into his savaged throat, “You just don’t know any better. And now you’re under arrest for disturbing Donald Trump’s free speech.”

The EMS clipped a police badge onto his navy blue medic uniform. Shocked eyewitnesses tell reporters he then tased the subdued victim in cold blood before leaving the scene in an armored vehicle.

Reporters noticed a wooden box – a coffin, apparently ripped out of a funeral home during rioting – with a sign attached to the wall. The sign read “We are not rapists” and had a hole cut in the center of the board, through the letter ‘o.’ Somebody was watching them through the hole. A brown iris darted, watching for attackers.

Reporters heard a muffled, forced cry from the box, “Trump was right.”