SLAVEYARD — Lebal Drocer, indicted for what one Judge called, “laying down with the dogs and getting the fleas,” fired back at Europol after they seized Lebal Drocer Publishing’s heavily-guarded mainframe installation in Belgium, or possibly Germany.
Lebal Drocer’s Chief Marketing Officer Barry B. Poundheaven told reporters, “This was an unadorned form of harassment directed at the people’s final source for truth, knocking the Internet Chronicle offline for mere moments but taking a profound strike at liberty over all of spacetime.”
Laughing, Poundheaven dismissed the seriousness of the situation, saying, “Yes, we were in the wrong place at the wrong time during the world’s biggest police operation, but it was no more serious than the usual constant attacks we receive from hateful, patriotic or anarchocapitalist hackers. Only a fool would be surprised that the Marxist Eurofeds would take this opportunity to hassle the world’s most glorious corporation.”
Chronicle.su officers were nowhere to be found during the site seizure, but hatesec approached kilgoar on several occasions asking him to setup PGP encryption so the underground editors could communicate freely.
“He emailed me twice,” kilgoar said, “but I was busy with a lot of stuff and with all the media requests we receive at chronicle.su, it can be hard to tell the difference between a real OP and a psy-OP.”
Kilgoar said it was at that time the Lebal Drocer, Inc. CEO wrote him, again, requesting the two communicate securely.
“He said he was Anonymous,” kilgoar explained. “He said he was legion.”
Hatesec, a known corporate apologist, told kilgoar that Lebal Drocer was not to blame for the Chronicle outage.
“He said Lebal Drocer is invincible,” kilgoar said. “He threatened to dox me if I said anything otherwise.”
NORTH DAKOTA — NSA leaker and hacker Edward Snowden came forward with new documents outlining a military fracking program designed to disrupt the Earth’s crust in order to relieve an impending eruption at Yellowstone National Park, home to the world’s largest supervolcano.
“These documents show that the military has been tampering with the crust in a way the government believes would lead to more volcanic eruptions in other parts of the globe,” Snowden told reporters.
Glenn Greenwald, Snowden-leak spokesman, told Twitter followers the eruptions are a tactic used by the government in an NSA-facilitated assassination plot.
“I’ve felt small earthquakes under my feet, targeting me out for weeks now. So has Snowden, Jeremy Scahill, and Laura Poitras.”
“This supervolcano, if it blew, could destroy the entire continental united states, sinking them beneath the sea like the lost city of Atlantis. We may relieve pressure on Yellowstone and cause other volcanoes to erupt, as we’ve seen in the past week,” said military geologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador.
Clear evidence to support Troubadour’s claims were witnessed by millions in violent eruptions at both Ecuador’s Tungurahua Volcano and Mount Sinabung in Indonesia this weekend.
CIA Director David Patreus said fracking keeps America out of harm’s way.
“Strategic fracking disrupts the local ecologies of neighboring third-world countries. What’s called ‘ecological terror-fracking’ is turning out to be an indespensible tool of Al-Qaida terrorists. We’re just doing it better and more efficiently.”
“The reason we want to police fracking anywhere else in the world, even as we practice it ourselves,” Patreus added,”Well, it’s a national security concern.”
By preserving Yellowstone National Park, Patreus said America can hold off selling the preserve to Nabisco for “at least another seven or eight years.”
One Direction performed a relief concert for the victims of Edward Snowden outside Taminy Hall, in a show of solidarity with the brave men and women behind worldwide US fracking.
Other anti-Snowden protests are scheduled to occur in major cities around the world Saturday, including NYC, Kiev and Moscow.
INTERNET — Dox flew, Monday evening, as Wicked Clown hacker ShadowDXS found himself in an Internet feud against fellow Juggalo hacker “th3j35t3r.” ShadowDXS, known for elite smartphone interfaces, lambasted self-proclaimed patriot th3j35t3r (hacker speak for “The Jester”).
The Jester’s laptop — emblazoned with the ‘hatchet man’ logo of Insane Clown Posse — is on display at the the Spy Museum in Washington D.C. The Jester used this laptop to shut down terrorist web sites, saving countless American lives.
Many outside of the Juggalo family stigmatize and devalue the Faygo-drinking subculture – including the FBI – who recently declared Juggalos a “gang.” However, expert and cultural anthropolgist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, who has lived with Juggalos for years, studying their habits and mimicking their behaviors, dismissed the “dumb juggalo” stereotype. “I’ve met Juggalos who are doctors, businessmen, CEO’s of major corporations,” Troubadour explained. “Met a rocket scientist at the gathering last year! Woop Woop! So it doesn’t surprise me at all that Juggalos are some of the world’s most elite and skilled hackers.”
What both parties refuse to acknowledge, however, is that none of this shit matters.
Hacker feuds such as the one between ShadowDXS and The Jester often lead to the posting of supposed “dox” or information on the hidden secret identity of the hacker. Monday evening’s feud is no different. The Jester publicly announced the new home address and significant other to ShadowDXS, at which point Shadow alluded to the supposed weaknesses of Jester’s SSH keys.
According to Erica Moorehead, chief editor of Juggalette (a juggalo magazine for women), it is fabled that “Anonymous” got the idea to cover their faces with masks from the Insane Clown Posse.
“Both groups maintain anti-establishment personas while advancing pro-Christian agendas,” Moorehead said. “Both groups carry the burden of many public failures, yet they are adored by the masses. Many juggalos say they feel persecuted. Most hackers agree there is a system of persecution in place, designed to destroy them from the inside out. In short, there is a lot of intersectionality between Anonymous and Juggalo culture.”
Moorehead added, “Many hackers fail to respect basic tenets of life in a society – discounting the virtues of interpersonal interaction, common decency and even bathing. It is the system holding them back,” she said, “because they don’t respect the system, and it seems some of them can find that anchor in The Family.”
VATICAN — Minister of hate Pope Benedict 111th ruled out the possibility of life after his reign, as prophecied by Malachy the dissident Catholic, whose insidious doctrine turned more than 800 million people against their faith, and toward Communism. Eastern Mythologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour attributes the collapse of known civilization to Malachy’s Prophecy, a contrived series of events so true, you won’t believe what Pope Francis – or Peter – does next.
Dr. Troubadour explains
From the Depths of Hippie Hell sprang forth Pope Francis, “whose daily headline-grabbing antics leave in their wake an insatiable hole for festering human torment. Behind [Francis] lay victims – victims of his insanity and loss of innocence, victims of desire, victims of ruthless geopolitical gain… Victims, as Malachy puts, of ourselves.” Pope Peter will feed all of his flock and he will be the last Pope as the world burns from the resulting global warming.Global warming, created primarily by the insidious competing ideologies of Communism and Capitalism undercut the church just as Malachy predicted.
Watch closely, she’s doing the tongue thing, a seductive, Satanic, and demonic trick of the Devil’s that has been used by Miley Cyrus. This happens when young women are possessed. Now little children, 8 years old and 12 years old, are getting involved with twerking, which is a form of pagan worship. Her hair was done up in devil horns at her MTV video awards performance. Hidden in plain sight, these tongues are an invocation to Kali, the false Hindu idol. Miley’s body has been violated with pagan tattoos such as the “om” symbol from Eastern religions and the “evil eye” from Islam.
Americans gathered around their televisions Friday, satisfied, because even between commercial breaks, some say they are continuously entertained “by the war.”
American Emily Jessup, 23, said a broken nation of war can be a good thing. It can even be fun, she said.
“We can finally reap the spoils of war – even a losing one!” Jessup said. Jessup and four friends discussed the war Wednesday after a long and painful evening of ‘hanging out.’
“Aw, we was just hanging out,” Jessup explained. “Hanging out’s just a good old however-long session of silently staring into smart phones, watching the reality TV show Catfish on Netflix.
I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.
Gerald Samberg, former reality television enthusiast, first had the idea to discuss war during what was undoubtedly an agonizing reappraisal of his own sexual market value.
Samberg said, “I looked around the room into my friends’ dead eyes, and that’s when I knew it was time to talk about the war.”
America – the war about nothing
Social media critic and behaviorist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador hailed the war as “the perfect topic for discussion, anytime.” He added, “Even if you don’t know what to talk about, you can always just talk about the war. May the loudest opinion win!”
“The war has given us so much… to talk about,” Samberg said. “I’m shocked I even used to watch that old reality television. It just bores me now, and I can’t think about anything but this new ‘reality TV’ called war.”
Jeremy Thornton, another friend in Samberg’s group set, said he is good with activities that don’t require human interaction. Thornton said he enjoys masturbation and videogames, but when it comes to “smalltalk,” he just can’t cope.
“I can look at Redtube.com for six hours straight,” Jeremy said, “but you put me around people and my mouth gets all whiskey-dick. I just can’t talk to people. It’s awful. But then I remember we’re a nation at war, and I’m happy again.”
Billy Bell “Ray” Thornton, Jeremy’s younger brother and emotional punching bag, added, “Our Grandpa died in the war, shot down by the slopes – Pacific Theater. I never really understood it, but now I’m getting it. Grandpa didn’t die in vain. I like to think Grandpa died for a cause, afterall. Grandpa died so we’d have something to talk about, didn’t he?”
Later, Billy Bell Ray said the war helps him feel better about himself. Other members of their friend group agreed that the war makes them feel better about themselves in general, and that they were willing to talk about it made them deeper, more thoughtful and intelligent people.
And it does.
The War™ is brought to you gloriously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
INTERNET — Churches across the nation relented under pressure from safe sex advocacy groups, and will no longer teach abstinence-only sex “education.”
Pastor Freida Phelps said, “There’s nothing in the bible against dryhumping, and as far as I can tell, sex with a condom is just dryhumping with penetration. In God’s eyes, that ain’t even sex.”
This comes on the heels of the “Miley and Jesus” episode of Miley’s Grace, the reality television show featuring pop singer Miley Cyrus.
Miley’s Grace follows the pop singer along her painful spiritual attempt to “get right with my Daddy.” Miley told viewers, in a private confessional, “Y’all, I seen God last night, and he came to me and he said ‘You keep Twerkin’ Miley, there’s no sin at all in it,’ and you know what, He’s right. Just cause it feels good don’t mean it’s a sin.”
Already high schools around the nation have reported a problem with teens wearing 99%-waterproof underwear, dryhumping in lounges and during lunch.
Hidden Valley High School Principal Daniel Levins said, “That underwear keeps the kids and their Hot Topic threads clean, but it makes the stench of the fluids much, much worse. Tepid semen sits in that skin-tight reservoir all tight up against their skin and instead of drying out it goes sour. The stink of seminal and vaginal secretions are in the halls, in the classrooms. You can smell it from the parking lot. It’s even worse at the mall, where no one even attempts to put a stop to all the dryhumping.”
Dan Oglesby of the Virginia branch of the Occupational Safety and Health Administration said the utilisation of Axe body spray has only made conditions worse.
“It chokes you up to go in there,” Oglesby explained. “Now it stinks to high heaven like pussy, ball-sweat and cheap perfume. We didn’t have all this when I was in school. What ever happened to pocket pinball?”
Schools around the nation that have been unable to contain the dryhumping are being put on lockdown, in extreme cases. Some fear the latest proclamation from church leaders and Miley Cyrus will turn the school system into a never ending orgy of what is now being promoted as “safe sex education.”
“The kids these days,” Levins said, “they don’t know what’s best for them as well as we adults do. All a kid wants is to feel pleasure derived sexually from their fathers, and now that Miley’s telling everyone that’s okay, it’s like Daddy’s not enough. They’re looking for it anywhere. We’re just trying to contain this horrible, sexy situation.”
DENVER — Marijuana shops opened up across Colorado Wednesday as legalization came into full effect. However, gangs of armed thugs – possibly aligned with Colorado drug cartels – raided the new repositories, stealing billions of dollars’ worth of weed and paraphernalia.
With the sudden scarcity of skull and wizard-shaped bongs, Colorado stoners woke up into what’s been described as “literally, a nightmare.”
Denver marijuana user Dan K. said his “mind” was “blown” on the morning of Jan. 1 when he woke up into the dry nightmare.
“I already told all my illegal, black market dealers to go fuck themselves, because I’m a man of the law,” Dan said. “And now you’re telling me there is no weed to calm my burnout nerves? This is a nightmare. It’s the healthcare website all over again.”
Bands of vigilante stoners have taken to the streets with improvised weapons and firearms, protecting the few remaining marijuana dispensaries as patrons anxiously wait in line.
Colorado Police Chief Neal McIntyre voiced disappointment in legal marijuana, expressing concerns that police work is only becoming more difficult.
McIntyre said, “It’s going to be really hard to persecute the Blacks and the Mexicans, so we’ll have to get a bit more creative, maybe double down on our entrapment operations and flood the streets with crackheads.”
When asked about the rash of robberies at the new marijuana shops, McIntyre laughed, and refused to comment.
NASHVILLE — Pop singer Miley Cyrus died Sunday evening as her private jet was destroyed in a mid-air collision over Tennessee. The singer’s jet was seen veering wildly out of its flight path by air traffic controllers, but because of recent cutbacks, no controllers were within radio contact with Miley’s jet.
This tragedy comes on the heels of Miley’s recent promise to “never twerk again.”
A preliminary investigation into the black box of Miley’s jet suggests the pilots may have been drawn into a decadent cocaine party before entering what experts are calling “a temporary psychosis.” An unidentified voice in the cockpit was reportedly heard screaming, “I feel like God!” just moments before the private jet was destroyed in a collision with an Airbus A380, the largest passenger jet in the world, carrying 236 people. All passengers in both planes are presumed dead.
Miley’s family refused to go on tour with her this year and complained her show had become too racy. Billy Ray Cyrus said, “Miley’s estate has been turned over to me and – God willin’ – is all goin’ to charity. Sharin’ and Carin’ Hands. She wanted it to go to safe sex education, but that in no way reflects our values or those of the Disney Corporation.”
Bethany Sumpin, 27, runs the most popular Miley fansite on the Web. Sumpin insensitively compared the ordeal to the Fox animated series Bob’s Burgers.
“It’s like an episode of Bob’s Burgers,” Sumpin wrote. “I just keep waiting for the punchline. I keep waiting for it to be funny.”
Sumpin later added, “This ain’t no joke, y’all.”
Miley’s career-ending hit “Wrecking Ball” reached almost 450 million views on YouTube, and featured the fully-nude Disney child star straddling construction equipment in an adult manner and licking the quivering tip of a sledgehammer.
RICHMOND — Chemtrails were proven to be fact and not mere urban legend after recent Snowden revelations, as photographers around the country captured proven weather modifying chemtrails and shared them on Social Media web sites. However, debate still rages on as to the purpose of chemtrails and as to just who “they” might be spraying the chemtrails.
Darryl Cox, 42, said the skies over Roanoke, Va. were “literally criss-crossed” with poisonous chemtrails – jet plumes, or “contrails” emanating from the exhaust ports of military and commercial jet-liners – and said he no longer feels safe living in the Shenandoah Valley. Cox describes Southwest Va. as a “hotbed” of chemical testing activity.
“Do chemtrails exist? Yes, they do,” said Cox. “But what is the government doing, and is it really even the government? My opinion is and always has been that these damn chemtrails are the work of the airline industry to engineer the air for the benefit of their fuel economy. I figure it don’t take much sprayin’ so’s that the part of the atmosphere they fly through would calm down real quick like. I mean they got control a everything, I tell you.”
Va. Governor-elect Terry McAuliffe (D) said he “does not intend” to constrain commercial air activity over Va., adding that the airline industry is a large source of revenue for the conservative state.
Cox explained that “lizard-people,” like McAuliffe, must eventually answer to the public for their transgressions against the well-being of the electorate.
“I swore to God that I seen them sprayin’ out here just the other day and I’ll tell you now, that was no ‘contrail.’ That there was my death at the hands of the lizard people. Ain’t you never heard about them lizard people? They’ll look just like anyone else, maybe their face a little slack-like. I seen ’em every damn day. Every damn day. They doin’ this, you seen ’em breathe it on in like they like it. Like it’s a nice fresh day outside, when chemtrails are rainin’ in.”
It is perhaps no coincidence, then, that Gov. McAuliffe resembles a lizard.
Still others, so-called ‘preppers’ for the coming food shortages, are sure the Chemtrails are yet another precarious link in the oil industry keeping starvation at bay. Bernie Myers, of Afton, says ending the collusion between food manufacturers and jet fuel companies will be the key to understanding and ending the secret weather control programs.
“It’s funny how the jet fuel industry seems to be cooperating with the food manufacturers to control the weather. No one knows about their secret operations, but it’s real. Snowden even said so. Weather modification is the only logical reason for cloud seeding, and if you do any research at all, you will find out the truth. It’s Monsanto. It’s Boeing. It’s Lockheed Martin. They’re doing this and the government has no idea.”
Cox assaulted Myers after he spoke these words, screaming, “It’s the government doin’ it, I mean who else has the money? Hey, they take my taxes. Obama’s got these chemtrails rainin’ down on us and it’s a part of the Muslim extermination plan, I tell you what. Either that or it’s the faggots. God damn, we all already dead. Could be tomorrow they lay down the last layer, the catalyst that will burn all of our bodies.”
Myers then claimed he saw Terry McAuliffe playing with his family in the acid rain after a heavy day of chemtrails, “He was so happy, like I’d never seen no lizard man before. It was like they was gettin’ some type of manna from heaven. In a way it was kinda touchin’, but I seen it myself. He’s a lizard and no doubtin’ it.”
Half-Black President Barack “Hussein” Obama is a strong supporter of McAuliffe, and recently vacationed in the dubiously-acquired Hawaiian Islands. Mr. Obama refused to lie about the existence of chemtrails Sunday, and has said nothing to deny the dangers of their existence.
MOSCOW — Snowden recently made an appearance at the Chaos Communication Congress in Berlin and promised to reveal more documents detailing invasive NSA surveillance. However, Snowden complained of trouble scoring marijuana, which he said is “essential” to further hacking work.
Although the audience laughed at this statement, Snowden lowered his iconic glasses and said, “This is serious guys. I’m not kidding. If any of you want to meet up after this talk and either smoke or give me some contacts, I’d be able to hook you up with some classified NSA info. Shit’s hot.”
Snowden did manage to score a few puffs from someone’s pinch-hitter in the parking lot, but sources confirmed he felt really uncomfortable around a bunch of new-age hippies he didn’t know, and he wasn’t exactly sure how to walk away without looking like a mooch. All of the hippies denied accepting classified documents from Snowden.
Ivan Iljanic is well-known among friends as being a resourceful drug connection and friend, even offering friend prices. But Ivan will not sell to just anyone.
“I know where some weed is,” Ivan said, “but you can’t tell Snowden. He obviously can’t be trusted with secrets.”
Ivan went on to suggest Snowden’s problems could be worse than simply being unable to acquire marijuana.
“I think he’s had enough pot already. Have you heard his conspiracy theories?” Ivan continued, “He told me ‘the NSA’ sold HDMI cables that spy on citizens and built hard drive rootkits into firmware. Don’t even know what that shit means. Dude’s off his rocker, and I honestly feel bad for him.”
Snowden admitted he had a few flaky connections who come through from time to time, but nothing regular, and later complained, “It’s hard to find pot in Russia not connected to the Mafia.”
Snowden said he used to get it off this guy who lived “up on the mountain,” but eventually the dealer was allegedly busted by Russian police, and now Snowden claims he is “too famous for leaking to meet new drug connections.” Snowden said, “There are very few people who don’t recognize me as the world’s most famous file leaker, and it feels deceptive not to tell them up front. I’ll say, ‘Hey, you know I’m Snowden, right?’ and they ask, ‘Snowden? Who’s he?’ At which point I’ll usually explain I’m a pretty big deal on the Internet. Then as soon as they figure out who I am, it’s all guns and yelling. Every time.”