Your daughter's a whore, and not even the good kind

Your daughter

Your daughter

You sick fucks. Stop coming here. Elf Wax Times doesn’t need you.

You dress up your daughters like little Tijuanan whores. Let them wear makeup. Tiny shorts. They’re twelve years old for god’s sake. Grow a pair and be a dad, you disgusting fuck, and stop pimping out your child. She doesn’t need to lose her virginity before she’s 13. Or did you already take it, because you’re just that fucked up?

Maybe in a way you did, because you didn’t give her any rules, any love, any direction, or any discipline or motivation to be anything besides fucked, because you yourself lack the cognisant ability to provide even a small child with the stability and love necessary to keep her from going to bed with the first guy who promises to make her a woman, because you couldn’t take care of her as a little girl.

Your little girl wants to grow up faster than she can ditch My Littlest Pony for Hannah Montana for a pregnancy test. And it’s all your fault, Dad. Instead of pissing in her panties and sniffing them at 4 AM, maybe you could have been telling her how to keep them on. Or keep her hymen, or your respect. But instead you just jerk off to internet porn and fantasize about fucking her little friends and you’re a bit too rough as you tuck her in at night. And you don’t read her one god damn story about a bitch running for president, or inventing laser technology.

You make me fucking sick. You sick fucks. I know what you’re thinking. “Who is this prick to call it like he sees it?” I’m me. And you’re worthless parent number 3271407498357.

You know the score. I shouldn’t have to be the referee, but here I am. Telling you that I see you walking right behind your slutty tween daughter when you come in to where I work every week. And each time I ask myself, who bought her the clothes? Who never slapped her to the floor and said, “Don’t be a little slut Janie!” Who never thought twice about the way the crumbs hit the table as he ate his thousandth meal in front of an awkward table of people he calls family?

Your kids are your fucking pets. So why don’t you lock them in a dark basement for 24 hours and let them know that you’re in fucking charge, that you buy their clothes, and that you think Miley Cyrus, that little slut that Billy Ray Cyrus pimps out to the cameras, is a whore who sucks off Mickey Mouse and sells sex to minors with lipstick, blush, and a show that is neither funny nor intelligent?

Oh, I will tell you why. Because your wife knows you actually think about fucking your daughter when you’re huffing away on top of her, stinking of cigarettes and panting your rotten booze-breath down her resistant nostrils, just trying to close your eyes and pretend you aren’t really fucking a fat-ass soccer man. Because she knows you didn’t get that promotion. Because your boss knows you’re a creep. Because your boss has seen your daughter and also secretly jerks it while thinking about fucking her, too, because you dress her up like a little Disnified Harlot servicing the Magic Kingdom. “Rent the ‘Tiniest Princess,’ honey. We love that one, don’t we?” But mainly because you are a crummy parent, and you’ve failed your child, if not yourself.

The only time you spend with your warped daughter she doesn’t even know about, because it all takes place in your delusional mind via rationalization for your shortcomings as a pseudo-parent.

You’re a sick fuck who lets her dress the way all the boys want her to dress, and you would rather believe she’s going to a sleepover at little Suzy’s and staying there instead of actually facing the reality in the back of your mind in which she’s at the park losing her virginity to a nineteen-year-old with a motorcycle on the swingset you never pushed her on.

Get your shit straight, American Dads. Or The Elf Wax Times will start phoning your homes. We have your information – your phone numbers, addresses, social security numbers. Driver’s licenses, credit cards. We have the means, we have the motive. We have the sense of self-righteousness that sets us apart from regular human beings, that makes us better than you. And we aren’t afraid to use it. Now close your fucking browser, delete your cookies, erase your history, and forget you read this. We don’t want you reading another page of this shit because you aren’t fucking good enough, motherfucker. Eat shit and die. I hate you. We hate you. We hate your family. We hate your friends. We hate the house you live in and the Mercedes you drive – you fucking Nazi. We hate the valley you poison. We hate the tradition you spread, of ignorance and television, and of slutty daughters and of forged integrity and false systems of values and morals and definitions of what is right and wrong. We hate you.

Mass Murderer Media Wave

Ayatollah Hussein Obama has granted amnesty to the world’s most famous serial killer.

White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips said the Obama Administration felt obligated on a freedom of speech technicality to release Charles Manson and pardon all charges.

“These California hippies are always hiding behind the First Amendment.”                – White House Press Secretary Tony Tightlips, crudely editorializing in front of reporters Thursday

Marilyn Manson fans have gathered outside San Quentin Prison in California alongside some goths and a lesser-known group of people calling themselves cutters. “Cutters” are a mysterious breed of suburbanites that co-exist alongside yuppie parents in comfortable dwellings called McMansions. They have united in celebration and anticipation of Manson’s first hit album, ‘Bad’, featuring Axl Rose and Dennis Wilson on Elf Wax Records.

On a side-note, self-mutilation, or “body-modding” requests are flooding into tattoo shops across the nation. Charles Manson’s fans have requested everything from the regular cross or swastika on the forehead to American flags emblazoned with the swastika rather than 50 stars across their backs.

Said one excited fan, “I got my swastika on the forehead scarred in there permanent!”

“I’m just so glad to see justice that I got stars and bars tattooed across my forehead,” said a sad-eyed transvestite named Lou.

Charles Manson has also launched HelterSkelter.com, a site which Manson says was “coded entirely using only basic HTML written in blood across an Arizona family’s wall.”

The painstaking hours of coding was “worth it,” he said, “because after it was all said and done, I could kick back and watch it all set in.”

Setting up Google Analytics will require a whole different set of organ tissue, he said, and indicated that it would all probably be coded in a baby turtle puree.

Fox has signed a contract with Manson for his starring role in an upcoming reality TV show. Charles Manson will live in a mansion located in Death Valley with several of his fans – only one of which will win a million dollars.

The show’s producers are providing him with a steady supply of LSD, which he will most likely use to enfeeble their minds and break down their personalities. The public has been so awash with buzz over this new show that FX has already purchased exclusive rights to its reruns.

Jon and Kate Plus Hate

Jon and Kate Gosselin, parents of six identical twins and stars of a reality TV show featuring their bickering, have finally snapped under the stress induced by the watching nation.  As if Kate’s fertility drug gobbling and the resultant six identical twins weren’t enough, Jon has apparently had the last straw.  Now preferring to do their bickering on day-time TV and via quick comments to paparazzi reporters, their bickering has reached a new level of popularity. This kind of attention to end-of-relationship hatred has reached a new level of shame for the growing audience.

Elf Wax expert Internet sources say that a Twitter feed featuring nothing but Jon and Kate’s texts to each other has in the course of two days reached 40 million followers.  This is unprecedented in the history of Twitter, and more bickering celebrities have decided to publicize their personal texts to each other over Twitter, in a vain and self-deprecating attempt at furthering their popularity.

In similair news, president-elect Mousavi has used Twitter to call for more demonstrations in Iran. The election was decided by Ayatollah Khameini and he has made it clear that he has absolute power to make whatever decision he sees fit. Protest of Iran’s theocratical dictatorship has prompted the government to act in self defense by using violence against their own people and imprisoning any person who publicly speaks against the government.

More to follow on Jon and Kate’s most recent insult flinging in the upcoming hours.

Elf Wax Update: Since Jon and Kate’s disappearance from their coveted prime time cable TV slot, shrewd producers have seamlessly replaced them with actor/comedian Norm MacDonald, improving ratings eleven percent.

[flashvideo file="videos/Norm_Plus_One.flv" author=Norm MacDonald title=Norm Plus One /]

Norm Plus One

Social networking sites lead to 'pregnancy and marriage by age 23'

Mediocrity

Jan Lewis, 29, and Felix Mulholland, 32, finally look happy together in their 9th attempt at a positive Facebook profile picture they now share.

Everett, Wa. – A new study shows social networking websites such as MyPlace and Fakebook are responsible for up to sixty five percent of unwanted, accidental long-term relationships.

John Andrews, 24, is one of many Everett area residents who found themselves attached at the hip to the previously unimaginable dregs of society.

Andrews said, “It’s true love. Sure, it’s codependency, but we love it. Truly.”

Demographers are alarmed by the growth in pregnancies reported in the first quarter of 2009. Over “seventy five percent” were “secretly intentional,” because most of the girls found on these sites see themselves as being “too socially awkward” or too lacking of a “positive self-image” to continue dating casually as normal people have done in the eons leading up to the internet. “So they just lay on their backs and let their revolving-door-style reproductive systems trade commitment for responsibility.”

The breeding of lazy, insecure women has reached unprecedented levels which ALR scientists believe led to a spike in obesity. The FDA, or World’s Largest Conflict of Interest, has reported a sharp increase in consumer spending on trendy medical treatments such as liposuction and gastric bypass surgeries.

Dane Ginjuns, the 48-year-old FDA researcher famed as “the world’s most bribable man,” said there was a direct connection between the poisons we eat in our food and the medicines needed to treat long-term illnesses such as Britney Spears’ Disease (diabetes) and cancer, the leading cause of death for /b/.

Additionally, many of these women are unwanted to begin with and will probably have to settle on child support as a means of survival since their inherent laziness is what got them into this mess to begin with.” Ginjuns continued, “The rest of these womens’ lives will probably be spent in a dark room behind a computer screen while their smelly, unlovable bastard children raise themselves on Jerry Springer and Hot Pockets.” Ginjuns eyes then lit up as he became visibly excited, and exclaimed, “Good Lord! Cash cows, that breed cash cows. We’ve struck a fine balance, haven’t we? Just goes to show that in America, any dream really can come true, just so long as it’s rooted in corruption–I mean capitalism–I mean–aww hell!”

Religion 101

There is nothing wrong with religion. I have no problem with religion. Religious people, on the other hand, are a different story.

Why can’t someone go to church, rejoice, pray, go home, and keep their beliefs to themselves?

Why can’t religious people simply enjoy their religion, without trying to force it on other people, or judging other people according to their religious beliefs?

Case in point; the current situation at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio. For those of you not familiar with this situation, I will give you a brief summary:

17 year old Tyler Frost is a senior at Heritage Christian School, and is planning on going with his girlfriend to the prom at her school, Findlay High School (a public high school). Findlay High School requires students from other schools to get a signature from the principal at their school before they can attend the Findlay High School prom. Tyler went to the Heritage Christian School principal (Tim England) to get permission to go to the Findlay High School prom with his girlfriend. Principal England signed the permission form for Tyler to attend the prom. The school committee, which is made up of church members, issued a statement informing Tyler that if he attends the Findlay High School prom, he will be suspended, and will not be allowed to graduate, and will have to re-take his senior year at another high school the following school year. Their justification for doing this was because there would be rock music at the Findlay prom, and that “rock music is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people’s hearts and minds”.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, do these people really believe that God would want them to ruin the future of a young man for going to a prom at a public school? Apparently they do, because they are steadfast in their position, and refuse to change.

What happens to these people when they discover religion? How does going to church make them feel like they are somehow in a position of authority over other people? Why do these people feel the need to ram their beliefs down the throats of other people?

What about the muslims, who are so consumed by their religious beliefs, that they blow themselves up just to kill a few people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs?

Wow…….is all I can say to that.

I believe the problem here, is that some people are just not mentally strong enough to be exposed to religion.

Area man visually defines lost concept through ironic failure to do so

Springfield, U.S.–Dignity found a face when local cracker factory worker Kirk Van Houten attempted to draw it during a game of Pictionary Saturday night, twelve years ago. Ordained with failure after his wife, Luann, could not guess the image, he challenged her to draw a better one in front of the party. What resulted was the iconic definition of a human concept so complexly intangible, it should have never been included in an ice-breaking party game.
Kirk Van Houten: It’s dignity, Luann.

Van Houten’s visualization of dignity was largely rejected by his wife, whose own portrayal was subsequently confirmed by the party’s attendees to accurately depict dignity in all of its possible variants, definitions, and contexts, even as it had been comparatively stripped from her husband in the act.

Unfortunately, the piece was never released to the public and experts say statistics indicate the drawing probably arrived in a Virginia landfill in or around Gloucester County. “This estimation is given on the grounds that Waste Management buys trash from twenty-six other states, including New York and New Jersey, to dump in Va. landfills as a means of protecting its citizens from encroaching swamps, wetlands, and bothersome natural habitats,” said Virginia governor Timothy Kaine.

Waste Management is a friendly neighborhood conglomeration of Wall Street businessmen and the mafia between whom your trash is a commodity.

Dr. Hibbert, Ph.D., commented on Mr. Van Houten’s piece after the Simpsons’ party, saying, “It lacked any distinctive characteristics whatsoever,” as he released an untimely chuckle.

After frantic weeks of phone calls, strongly-worded letters, and death threats, Noam Chomsky, professor emeritus of linguistics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology was made available for comment. After reviewing the scene between the now-divorced Van Houtens, he said, “The dispute is inconsequential and with the exception of their resulting divorce, most likely will not change anything, ever.” He then followed this up with a question for reporters, asking, “Is this really why you needed me so badly? Do you even know who I am?”

Noam Chomsky, powering a small
village with his cognitive prowess

Indeed, after more than a decade the ripples of rejection can still be felt for miles around Springfield, where reporters say the veins of failure running through Kirk Van Houten’s shrinking intellectual circle of neighboring low-rent apartment tenants in their mid-20’s are still being smoothed out similar to air-bubbles under a sticker.

One neighbor, who wished to remain anonymous, said the man is by this point so unfamiliar with dignity that he may never be loved again, and is most certainly not currently respected by his peers, colleagues, or even the American Gladiator his ex-wife married shortly following their divorce.

In other news, Elf Wax reporter Stan Crumb was arrested outside the Elf Wax office building for harassment and attempted kidnapping following an unscheduled, unrelated, and mostly unwanted interview with Mr. Chomsky about quote, “the 9/11 conspiracy, man.”

Judgmental Homosexual Hypocrites

Try saying that five times really fast. It’s a real tongue twister. It’s also a really annoying, and disgusting, combination of personality traits.

You would think that fags and dykes wouldn’t really be the judgmental types. When you consider the lifestyle they have chosen for themselves, you would think they should be more tolerant of other people. I mean, how can a guy say “I suck cock, and let other guys ram their cocks up my ass, but I don’t approve of what you do”? You would just expect a certain amount of tolerance from this particular group of people. But that’s not always the case.

Let me give you an example of a person with this particular combination of personality traits.

My son is in 8th grade, and had a “girlfriend” whom he really liked. Her mother is a big masculine bull dyke. She was, however, very nice to my son, and took him places with her daughter and herself. The first time we met her, I was briefed beforehand about how she is a dyke, and that I should watch what I say. No problem……..I swore I would be on my best behavior. When she came over to my house, she told us that she decides whether or not she likes someone the second she meets them, and doesn’t give them another chance.

Now, that struck me as odd. She is (openly) a lesbian, and does not want to be judged by others for her sexual preference, but she immediately makes permanent judgments of other people.

Okay……..nothing like a little hypocrisy.

I let that go, and didn’t think anything of it.

A couple of weeks later, I was taking her daughter and my son somewhere in my truck, and was listening to a Guns n Roses cd. I didn’t think to skip the song “One In A Million”, and when Axl Rose said “immigrants and faggots, they make no sense to me”, the poor daughter got a weird look on her face. I just pretended like I didn’t hear it.

From then on, the gay mother would not even look at us or speak to us when we seen her at sporting events, and we seen her frequently since my son is a basketball and football player and her daughter is a cheerleader. She would intentionally ignore us. No big deal though…….who wants to be seen hanging out with a big masculine bull dyke anyway?

The thing about that which I found annoying was the fact that she is an openly practicing homosexual……..and that is okay……..but is offended when a song came on my car stereo that said faggot. It’s okay to be a faggot, but it’s not okay for my stereo to say faggot?

This dyke believes that’s it’s okay for her to judge people, but that she herself should not be judged for her homosexuality. She believes that engaging in homosexuality is okay, but to speak of it is wrong. Talk about hypocrisy and double standards!

When a guy sucks another guys cock, or a woman munches another woman’s muff, and is open about doing it, they have to expect that everyone may just not embrace their decision to do that.

The state of North Carolina defines homosexuality as a crime against nature, and a means to satisfy depraved sexual cravings. I tend to agree with them.

And for the queers who say “God made me this way”, I just have this to say: God did not watch Brokeback Mountain and say “ oh yeah……..that’s the way I want things to be”.

If you have queer sex, you are not in a position to judge anybody else!

And if you are open about engaging in queer sex, then you should be prepared to hear someone say the word “faggot” without being indignant!

And for the record…….I LOVE the song “One In A Million”!

Media-induced Hypochondria Pandemic Sweeps the Nation

In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. “The strange thing is,” Dr Angstrom H. Troubador reports, “Almost all of these people are perfectly healthy, except for the psychological illness that has programmed itself into their brain through evening news.”
Hospitals have begun refusing admittance to any persons claiming to have Swine Flu or even just flu-like symptoms in some instances. “If they even mention the word Swine in my hospital, they’re out,” Dr. Troubador admits. “I used to tell these people to take a break from their televisions, but that seemed to anger them more than anything.” Cultural heresy aside, television has spread a much more dangerous virus than the H1N1.
Hospital waiting rooms nationwide are completely filled with healthy people, leaving no doubt that some of them will contract Swine Flu simply by waiting to get help they don’t need. In the long term, Dr. Troubador expects hospitals to continue closing their doors to Swine Flu patients, even if the pandemic actually begins to spread. “You can’t fool us doctors like you have so easily been fooled yourselves. We won’t EVER treat anyone claiming to have H1N1 virus!”

Man’s dreams fall into lap

Jay Kenny, A Roanoke man, sat in his favorite comfortable chair Thursday, thinking the world would just pass him by as it has done for the last five years. That is, until a book deal and a Sports Illustrated contract fell into his lap from the ventilation system overhead.
American author Jay Kenny making headway toward goals

“I was just staring out the window thinking, ‘Gosh, the world sure does change as fast as the second hand counts a minute nowadays.’ But I remember noticing that my back lawn and the bushes and trees always look the same,” said Mr. Kenny, retail employee.

Jay went on to express his renewed attitude toward life, and lack of certainty around what he will do next. “Now that I can be the writer I always dreamed of bein’, I just don’t know what I’ll write about! Sports? Politics? Social trends, the government? War and peace; it’s all out there for me,” he said with a grin.

Jay Kenny said he’d already grown accustomed to day-to-day life without ambition. “Paper hits the door every mornin’. The songbird sings my favorite tunes,” he said. He went on to describe how he’d come to delude himself into believing a life without any distinction whatsoever does not evacuate the happiness from his soul, but in fact brings him a form of satisfaction. “Things here are just how I want them to be. Pretty much all the time. Grass stays cut. Neighbors are friendly. Known them about fifteen years now. What little money I get pays the gas bill, heating, lights, health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, homeowner’s insurance, water. With what’s left I buy food. Sometimes I have enough left and I’ll even buy myself a big old steak dinner. Me and Gus,” he said, pointing to his dog. “I guess I might just write about that.”

Mr. Kenny said he would not investigate the duct-work of his home, telling reporters the weight of the curiosity around what caused his dreams to come true by simply neglecting to actively pursue them can be remedied with a good Marlboro cigarette and a shot of whiskey. “I don’t like to ask no questions,” he said. “Something told me I’d be a big novelist one day and people would want to know what I’ve got to say about things. I just believed in myself. And that’s probably how I was able to keep my routine of television, forty hours at Staples, and shopping at Kroger. I knew it’d all pay off eventually.” And it did.

Man's dreams fall into lap

Jay Kenny, A Roanoke man, sat in his favorite comfortable chair Thursday, thinking the world would just pass him by as it has done for the last five years. That is, until a book deal and a Sports Illustrated contract fell into his lap from the ventilation system overhead.
American author Jay Kenny making headway toward goals

“I was just staring out the window thinking, ‘Gosh, the world sure does change as fast as the second hand counts a minute nowadays.’ But I remember noticing that my back lawn and the bushes and trees always look the same,” said Mr. Kenny, retail employee.

Jay went on to express his renewed attitude toward life, and lack of certainty around what he will do next. “Now that I can be the writer I always dreamed of bein’, I just don’t know what I’ll write about! Sports? Politics? Social trends, the government? War and peace; it’s all out there for me,” he said with a grin.

Jay Kenny said he’d already grown accustomed to day-to-day life without ambition. “Paper hits the door every mornin’. The songbird sings my favorite tunes,” he said. He went on to describe how he’d come to delude himself into believing a life without any distinction whatsoever does not evacuate the happiness from his soul, but in fact brings him a form of satisfaction. “Things here are just how I want them to be. Pretty much all the time. Grass stays cut. Neighbors are friendly. Known them about fifteen years now. What little money I get pays the gas bill, heating, lights, health insurance, life insurance, car insurance, homeowner’s insurance, water. With what’s left I buy food. Sometimes I have enough left and I’ll even buy myself a big old steak dinner. Me and Gus,” he said, pointing to his dog. “I guess I might just write about that.”

Mr. Kenny said he would not investigate the duct-work of his home, telling reporters the weight of the curiosity around what caused his dreams to come true by simply neglecting to actively pursue them can be remedied with a good Marlboro cigarette and a shot of whiskey. “I don’t like to ask no questions,” he said. “Something told me I’d be a big novelist one day and people would want to know what I’ve got to say about things. I just believed in myself. And that’s probably how I was able to keep my routine of television, forty hours at Staples, and shopping at Kroger. I knew it’d all pay off eventually.” And it did.