Herman Cain: Trolling America

Herman Cain
Herman Cain, seen here in ecstasy, releases a quiet fart before thousands of people during a Tea Party rally.

Sexual harasser and Black Republican Herman Cain bought himself Presidential Publicity last week in another spiky thrust of his fake presidential campaign, selling hundreds of thousands of books each time he utters the phrase “999.”

999 is a self-help algorithm designed by Herman Cain to prey on your weakness. Cain demonstrates all the political prowess of a true Tea Party frontrunner, including self-hatred, the ability to exploit any situation for a buck, and a distinct determination to sodomize the Vice Presidential nominee of his choice, provided it costs him the election.

But is a truckload of pussy and book money all that Cain hopes to gain by running for president? In his latest ad, an image of a man dragging a cigarette is followed by what can only be described as a trollface.jpg. See for yourself:

Hint: while watching this video, press 9 as many times as necessary.


He squints his eyes and widens his grin perfectly, letting all of America know that they have been trolled. It would have been better for Cain, whose campaign organization is one smoking man, to not even waste money on this ad. However, top analysts of the E.W.T. Political Institute suggest Cain had to gloat in his own way about all the money he’s made selling books, and could think of no better gesture than to offer the nation a close-up image of his shit-eating grin in real-time.

Eli Wesley, Chief Emotional Pathologist at E.W.T. said Americans watched anxiously as Cain’s eyes softened from conviction into hateful fear before a deflated smile crept across his face. “And in one final boastful moment, you could actually feel his pain radiating outward, becoming yours.”

Meanwhile, in the real world, everything political actors do is satire in itself, of the system that put them on the stage. And that is why America is the greatest country in the world. We don’t mind politics being a glib reality TV series instead of useful policy making. Hell, this is much more entertaining. But they’re less like Justin Bieber and more like that house band that played out on the deck of the Titanic as it sank. Just plain creepy, but that’s only because it’s Halloween! See? Trust your government, America!

And for Halloween, Michael Moore is dressing up in blackface as Herman Cain, as he similarly has leveraged #OccupyWallStreet to sell his book, which is entitled “Here Comes Trouble.”

Sell the fuck out of that book, buddy boy. Sell it until your big fat heart stops.

This story is part 1 of a 2 part series entitled “What was the deal with Herman Cain?

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