Month: August 2011

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Categories
Editorial

A tale of two Secs

Saturday, AntiSec released personal e-mails from 77 different law enforcement web sites with the explicit purpose of revealing corruption and criminal behavior. We spent hours combing through this mountain of notably unimportant information and are entirely disappointed that it was even released at all.

Not only did AntiSec fail to uncover anything of value, but it publicized images of a 13 year old girl in a bikini. Although the girl in question published these photographs herself via Facebook, the importance of their presence in Chief Mayfield’s e-mail inbox is completely dependent on context, and the context is missing. As the only real article of interest, Anonymous gladly embraced this concocted “JailBait scandal” because it justified their illegal actions and gave them a sense of self-importance. In reality, there was nothing of value in this e-mail dump. Surprise, surprise. Cops don’t discuss their illegal behavior in e-mails.

Having said all that, I understand the power of a symbol. I don’t think AntiSec necessarily needs to justify every single action by unearthing scandalous proof of criminal behavior. Yet I still find there’s quite a bit left to be desired. What I’m about to state may shatter all your preconceived notions, but I really mean it. In every way, LulzSec was a more effective form of hacktivism than AntiSec will ever be.

Recent AntiSec press releases suffer from a severe case of self-importance. By hacking and releasing police e-mails, AntiSec appears to believe they are waving a magic wand which will cure law enforcement of corruption. Not only do these dumps lack context, as is the case with the JailBait scandal, but they also lack basic fact-checking and corroboration. There is absolutely no effort put into confirming the information presented as fact or fiction. There is a growing possibility that governments may plant disinformation on their own servers simply to discredit hacktivists.

As for the recent defacement of Syrian government web servers, I’m even less impressed. In the same way that invading Iraq was damaging and polarizing for liberty in the region, attacking Syria’s internet infrastructure is also counterproductive. Such symbolic support need not rest upon such a threatening attack, even if it is entirely nonviolent in nature.

However, I have great praise for LulzSec because of their conscious effort to utilize the power of a symbol. Unlike the self-important AntiSec, LulzSec did not overplay the importance of what they hacked. AntiSec seems to believe hacking will be a kind of cure-all for social injustice, criminal behavior and corruption. Such grandiose and delusional statements sell on the Anonymous marketplace, but they don’t translate to a wider audience.

LulzSec never promised to deliver any goods. LulzSec delivered symbols representing the incompetence and fallacy of authority. I might be biased, but a fake news story posted on a prominent news site is a lot more palatable than, say, telling the world you don’t care about the safety of police informants. AntiSec promises to find criminal behavior, but only delivers their own. Not only that, but they utterly fail to achieve the kind of symbolic triumph that was the reason for the success of LulzSec.

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Categories
Hate

Peaceful Hate Pain Time

The world's worst monster

The price of freedom reached an all time high this week as cargo planes carrying food to the famine-stricken regions of Africa were attacked by rebels without a cause. Like the looters in London, these rebels acted out of greed, as African Rebels often do when gang-raping villagers. These freedom fighters then held a feast in celebration of all the food they liberated.

In the midst of famine, war, riots, and hatred, the internet is primarily worried about Facebook statuses and Twitter follows. Governments everywhere are violently thrusting invisible dildos into our sphincters, and the citizenry is powerless to defy their false genitalia.

But what can I do to help?
First, tighten your bums, it’s about to get interesting. Anonymous, as they like to be called, is in the process of “the plan,” a very ambiguous, elusive concept which will be a magical solution to all future dildo problems. But as it is Anonymous, nothing will be accomplished other than a few teenagers getting V&. There’s not even really a plan past that.

So Anonymous is the usual failure. What’s else can I do?
Anders Breivik had an idea, but let’s not go there. Too much writing and bomb-making. Yet we all know peaceful protest is a waste of time, and riots only help until the tanks roll through, crushing anyone in their way. We’ve thinned our options a bit. Perhaps the only solution, dare I say, the “final solution,” may be combining all forms of protest at once. Murder with peace, riot with blogging. A perfectly synchronized attack of peace and hate. This will obviously require Casio watches.

Maybe the “final solution” will be just as much of a fail as #opsony, who can say? A wise man once said, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” He also said, “if it’s broke, fix it.” That second quote is much less famous, but it shouldn’t be. It’s really quite good.

My point, dear reader, is that our ways of standing up and exercising our voice are rapidly being disallowed. We can’t kill people. We can’t even burn copper’s cars in the streets. So join me in the new protest, peaceful hate pain time. We will excecute PHPT sometime in November, the 5th actually, because we want to steal the small press Anonymous will get for the sure disgrace of #opfacebook.

Editor’s note: Chronicle.SU does not endorse Peaceful Hate Pain Time, violence, or any kind of fake internet activism.

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Categories
News

Top Gear electric car "scandal"

Cyriak's animation of Jeremy Clarkson has caused an outrage because Cyriak "made it all up".

British television program Top Gear is under fire after staging yet another hilarious electric car malfunction. Despite the nature of these humorous works of fiction, electric automobile manufacturers are not laughing. Top Gear is already facing litigation from Tesla motors for their depiction of Tesla’s all-electric roadster. New controversy over a segment on the Nissan LEAF has ignited yet more fury in those who believe everything they see on Top Gear.

As it turns out, the Nissan LEAF spied on Jeremy Clarkson, reporting his GPS position, battery levels, and voice stress analysis to Nissan headquarters. A lie detecting algorithm was tripped, and Nissan’s robotic lawyers were pulled out of cryogenic storage. British news publications have been paid under the table by Nissan to report on this story and instructed to ignore the proper context. For whatever reason, they think they can convince people Top Gear isn’t a bunch of jokers who have to lie if they want to please their audience.

“Nissan has a monitoring device in the car which transmits information on the state of the battery. This shows that, while the company delivered the car to Top Gear fully charged, the programme-makers ran the battery down before Clarkson and May set off, until only 40% of the charge was left.” ~ George Monbiot (The Guardian)

For whatever inexplicable and insane reason, the fictional nature of many Top Gear segments is more outrageous than the horrifying fact that Nissan will tattle on anyone who uses their cars. Any future owners of the Nissan LEAF should be forewarned: This is not the car for an affair.

In related news, Top Gear is also facing anger from annoying tightwads due to praise from Norway mass-murderer Anders Breivik. In Norway, angry citizens have demanded that Top Gear be banned from television.

“Jeremy Clarkson heads the program Top Gear at the BBC, one of the funniest shows on TV. Since it has absolutely nothing to do with politics or religion, only with cars, it is one of the very few programmes at the Burka Broadcasting Corporation still worth seeing.” ~ Anders Brievik (Justiciar Knight and Martyr for Christendom)