Month: June 2012

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Categories
News

Lebal Drocer purchases Your Anon Incorporated, Jesus is risen

Do you seriously believe everything you read? Do I have to connect the dots for you? How many times can the same plot-device be effective? Well, I even had me fooled for a while there.

Our parent company purchased Your Anon Incorporated, and the Internet Chronicle is now the throbbing heart of a vast social media empire which is growing at an impossibly fast rate. With this deal came a whole merchandise sweatshop full of wage slaves down in Ecuador, and with any luck Julian Assange will be hired on as assistant manager.

More importantly, we’d like to announce the rise of Your Anon Christ, who is most certainly the second coming. Christ has teamed up with Your Anon Buddha and Your Anon Inglip to comically lord over the dirty consciences of Anon skids. Through this loophole, we will be able to impose a monolithic belief structure upon Anonymous which will ensure solidarity and effective group efforts. Think about it, Anonymous, didn’t you always know that the second Jesus would be an Anon? He’s not anything like the “Christians” who have had thousands of years to fuck up all the teachings and get wrapped up in violence and repression. No ma’am, he sleeps with all his followers like it’s Stranger in a Strange Land. He’s healing people left and right, performing miracles like you wouldn’t believe. I heard he already brought a DEAD person back to LIFE!

Don’t you wish daddy could see you now? We’ll find paradise and mommy will be right there to hug and kiss you through the whole ride.

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Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

US GOVERNMENT detaining anyone who calls them fascist

Accusatory reporters are being arrested to prove how fascist the government is not becoming
[Terrorist] arrested after criticizing [wonderful] things America is doing to [protect our freedom].

Washington– An executive decision passed down by United States President Barack Hussein Obama ordered the arrest of blog owners and activists who insist fascism is creeping in.

Widespread criticism of the Obama Administration appeared after the extrajudicial killing of Anwar al-Awlaki, an American citizen in Yemen, and Obama’s decision to indefinitely detain American citizens thought to be in support of terrorist organizations such as the Taliban, chronicle.su, and Al Qaeda.

Chronicle.su political analysts believe the Presidency is nothing more than a facade to conceal the evils of unchecked corporate oligarchy. Mike Levitz, Lead Social Engineer behind chronicle.su, said because there is no social responsibility to match the ravenous spread of currency into politics, “America’s just resorting to fascism.”

In response, President Obama reportedly announced, “I’ll show them what fascism is.”

American organizations such as chronicle.su are being infiltrated by social engineers the likes of which Ronald Reagan and all his malls, and all their security guards could never imagine. Secret agents are sent out to determine the exact means by which they can classify undesirable entities, like Wikileaks or chronicle.su, as “terrorist” in the hopes of coercing Google to erase their appearances among search results.

Chronicle Lead Expert on nothing-in-particular Marty Collins disappeared with agents in dark suits Friday afternoon and failed to report back in Monday. He is presumed dead, or worse.

This message brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
They will never take us alive.

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Categories
Health

Nutritionist declares recent poop a success

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur enjoyed a “soft, but firm” poop Thursday.

In what might have otherwise been an uneventful bowel movement, Chronicle nutritionist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur noticed a peculiar softness and consistency in Thursday’s stool, such that he was moved to turn around and declare the specimen “a major success.”

“A major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur said he was thumbing a medical journal when he recognized what he called “true anal progress.” Troubedauer explained, “I was just sitting there [on the ceramic throne] minding my own business, thumbing through a medical journal when I detected with my sphincter a consistency most desirable in human waste. Yes sir, this poop was a major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur described the poop as brown in color with the consistency of “a snake sliding through the grass,” which then “crept stealthily into the water.” Dr. Troubedaur said he was relieved to report the noted absence of a splash, because he dislikes the sensation of cold dirty toilet water lapping at his butthole. “After a good poop, [cold water in your ass] just feels like a bad joke,” he added.

Dr. Troubedaur said he anticipates a fifteen follow-up wiping session “that could lead to a shower” in order to avoid wasting more toilet paper.