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“Rape Farms” harvest natural birth control chemical

Jerotonin is now on sale at pharmacies across the nation.

The Marriage and Family Legacy Fund, one of many anti-gay groups recently under fire for its association with Chick-Fil-A, has allegedly funded offshore research into so-called “natural” birth control. By subjecting women to legitimate rape and “milking” them for the resultant fluids, scientists have harvested and isolated “jerotonin,” a chemical touted by Representative Akin for its bullet-proof efficacy in preventing unwanted births. It has just now hit drug stores, where it is being sold over the counter.

Jerotonin advocates claim that use of this chemical for birth control is morally superior to “unnatural” and dangerous approaches which often leave women barren. A spokesperson for the group said, “these women are raped forcibly in a controlled and safe environment. They are selected for the experiment specifically for their deep-seated fear of rape, otherwise the jerotonin would not be produced. Before undergoing the ‘milking,’ the women sign a waiver and are paid handsomely. In the territories where this procedure takes place, it is completely legal and therefore ethical.”

Young christian women, especially, have eagerly bought up these jerotonin supplements despite the exorbitant price and have expressed delight that there is a spiritually sound form of birth control finally available on the market.

Currently, there are 19 states in which women who claim their babies resulted from legitimate rape can deny the fathers custody rights. A representative for Fatherhood Under Fire reported, “In some backwards parts of the country, father’s [sic] are refused custody simply because they’ve been convicted of impossible rapes. The scientific proof of jerotonin clashes with this unfair legislation, because the existence of a child implies the mother was not raped. Thankfully, 31 states support the right of a man to nurture his rightful child.”

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The impossiblity of rape pregnancy

Todd Akin explains rape
“I date raped your mother, but she wanted it. That’s the only explanation for our marriage and your existence.”

When a woman is raped forcibly, she secretes a previously unknown chemical called jerotonin which makes fertilization impossible. Young women who are coerced or tricked into sex also secrete jerotonin in post-coitus shame. The possibility of being impregnated forcibly is about the same as being abducted by aliens. But why do so many young women who believe they’ve been raped wind up pregnant? Either they wanted to be raped or they are lying. Rape fantasies are among the most common fantasies of women. It is quite common for them to doll themselves up and walk in dangerous parts of the city at night, hoping beyond hope that they are violated by a stranger and made pregnant.

Now that we have sufficiently scientifically established the truth that abortion is completely unnecessary for all victims of rape, it will no longer be necessary to castrate all men as every feminist dreams. There is no way for a woman to be unwillingly impregnated, and we can actually forgive all rapists for acting under completely understandable physiological and cultural stresses which most women gladly welcome. However, there is still a loophole for would-be “pregnancy rapists,” or rapists who merely want to impregnate women. By perforating a condom, a “pregnancy rapist” can put a woman in a willing mood for coitus, and unbeknownst to her, impregnate her in this final remaining state of reproductive vulnerability. By welcoming “safe” sex, a woman leaves herself open to unwanted stealth pregnancy and the “ethical” need for an abortion. We all know that abortion can never be an ethical act–this is an axiom–so we must rationalize and equivocate and further restrict reproductive freedoms of women in the name of liberty. We must never allow the use of condoms and other prophylactics. These unnatural technologies present the possibility of a nonconsensual impregnation during consensual sex, something that should not exist in the first place.