Month: March 2013

Adrian Chen Gunned Down at PyCon

Post author By Jaime Cochran
Post date March 21, 2013
2 Comments on Adrian Chen Gunned Down at PyCon

Adrian Chen, a pioneer of Python programming.

New York, New York–The infosec community lost another brave soul today as Adrian Chen’s Mazda Miata was run off the road by a vindictive troll. The news comes as a shock to family and friends as they find out about the true nature of his death, which started at ComicCon, a men-only Python programming conference, which has been known to cause coniption fits among bronies and femininazi’s alike. Chen was last seen screaming at a man who asked to “fork” his “dongle” and stormed off in a fit of rage.

Friends say Chen’s vapid personality and small stature led people to believe he was actually Jewish blogger Susan Basko, who was actually a troll who pestered Chen into almost committing suicide in 2012 after outing her as the Great Reddit Troll violentacrez.

While most who knew Chen knew his skills were exceptional, as he had a penchant for infuriating the masses with his tepid python code which Gawker used to relentlessly psy-op Anonymous into thinking anyone cares about anything.

Investigators are still looking into the case, little is known, but word on 4chan is it was actually another Mazda Miata that ran his Mazda Miata off the New Jersey Turnpike, forever, into the abyss.

Porn Legend Ron Jeremy Dead at 59

Post author By Colonel Muammar Muhammad al-Gaddafi
Post date March 20, 2013
72 Comments on Porn Legend Ron Jeremy Dead at 59

Ron Jeremy was revered for his generosity.

LOS ANGELES — Fans mourn the loss of porn star Ron Jeremy, whose remarkable cock exploded tragically during the opportunistic shooting of an unauthorized “onsite” pornographic film at Cedars-Sinai hospital. Jeremy was hospitalized after suffering a near-fatal heart aneurysm.

Mike Sesterman, Ron Jeremy’s agent, said Wednesday Jeremy died as he lived: “Jeremy died while performing multiple simultaneous sex acts on a swathe of gorgeous, beautiful women for a mockumentary in his hospital bed. He loved all the support of his friends and fans and swore he would forever fuck life in the ass, until the day that he died.”

Jeremy’s cock partially exploded while buried in the rectum of a young Hollywood nurse, who asked not to be named for fear of losing her job at Cedars-Sinai. Blood squirted from the tip of his penis as it split like a flower down the middle.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, urologist, stated, “I have never seen such a large cock in my entire life. Porn Stars like Ron often abuse cock-enhancing medication which can lead to heart aneurysms and sudden cock explosion. Common sources of these drugs are internet e-mail spammers, who often cut their products with dangerous stimulants to provide short-term penis length gains.”

Mike Sesterman is responsible for dispersion of the Jeremy estate. The estate, he said, is to be divided among Jeremy’s family and cock-growth medication hucksters to whom he owes various debts and apologies.

Editorial

Pretentious Chronicle Post Horrifies Millions

Post author By Hatesec
Post date March 20, 2013
1 Comment on Pretentious Chronicle Post Horrifies Millions

“The beauty of art is that it can be interpreted many ways by many different people.”

The great American struggle: grappling with the blank page

I was sitting at my computer just before dawn, listening to the steady crackle of my overworked record player, bouncing repeatedly off the groove in the paper label of The Beatles’ Let It Be.

Procrastination never sounded so sweet. I brewed myself an espresso as I played with the idea of putting on the Smiths. My neighbors probably hear it at top volume and wallow in the jealousy they must feel, living in the shadow of the tortured dark success just sixteen feet away. The power they’ll never meet – unless they come ask me to turn it down.

People just don’t understand me. It takes a unique point of view, cultivated within the bowels of suburban all-white neighborhoods, perverted by Mormonism, to really understand where I’m coming from. And even then, they’ll probably just go on Facebook and hashtag it. Pop a pill, and feel nothing. So dark. So troubled.

Sent from my iPhone