Month: April 2014

Categories
News

Mike and Frank of American Pickers celebrate legal gay marriage

Mike and Frank firmly grip female busts "picked" from a "honey hole"
Mike and Frank firmly grip female busts “picked” from a “honey hole”

INTERNET — Mike and Frank of American Pickers, the world’s most popular on-screen gay couple since Laurel and Hardy, have been granted a legal marriage and plan to artificially inseminate Danielle, who will give birth to their new family. Until then, the couple are bound by their love for antiques and are fostering several children from the local orphanage.

Frank told reporters, “We are so glad to be married and we just love the kids. Now that we’re loud and proud about our love, me and Mike couldn’t be happier. We’re going to take the kids out on more picks and show them the ropes. It’s great. Just great.”

Mike, enthused as always, said, “The kids are killer. I’ve got them using their cute little charm to break the ice and talk down prices on all kinds of antiques. Especially bikes and motorcycles. You won’t believe the stuff they found.”

Si Robertson, patriarch of the Duck Dynasty reality franchise and outspoken opponent of homosexuals, told reporters, “It just ain’t right these city boys on TV rippin’ nice country folk off with their slick little talk. In my mind a faggot ain’t a gay man, a faggot is a slick city boy. I just can’t abide faggots on my TV.”

Categories
Obituaries

Ian Watkins Dead At 36

Ian Watkins planned on raping a handful of babies.
Ian Watkins planned on raping a handful of babies.

Worcestershire, England — Fans mourn the loss of former Lostprophets singer Ian David Karslake Watkins, who committed suicide early Wednesday morning in his cell at HM Prison Long Lartin.

Watkins was pronounced dead at 4:38 a.m. UTC. Cause of death was listed as “self asphyxiation, or suicide by hanging.” He was 36.

Watkins is survived by step-father and Baptist minister John Davies, his mother Elaine, and Daniel, his 24-year-old brother who distanced himself from Ian in the final months of the singer’s life. He is also survived by former Lostprophets musicians Lee Gaze, Mike Lewis, Stuart Richardson, Jamie Olider and Luke Johnson.

Inside reports suggest Watkins was facing pressure in the form of death threats from other inmates. Watkins was overheard remarking that he feared for his life.

Because no will was entered into the public record, Watkins’ continuing charitable contributions to the Kidney Wales Foundation for Children will cease.

The Watkins estate is to be turned over instead to the UK for disbursement into public works projects, as is customary in Wales when a convicted pedophile with enormous assets dies without a notorized will.

Watkins suffered in the wake of numerous convictions on sexual assault charges against children, for which he was sentenced to prison for 29 years last December. Authorities got involved when the Lostprophets frontman made plans to rape adoring fans and their babies. Prosecutors uncovered “the most shocking and harrowing child abuse the nation has ever seen.”

Senior investigating officers on Watkins’ case described him as a “committed, organised paedophile.” The judge, Mr. Justice Royce, said Watkins “plunged into new depths of depravity” referring to Watkins’ text messages to his victims: “If you belong to me, so does your baby.”

After entering his guilty plea, Watkins referred to his sex offenses as being “mega lolz.”

Categories
News

John Cena dead after "relentless cyberbullying"

John Cena dead at 37 from bullying
John Cena dead at 37 from bullying

INTERNET — John Cena, twelve time heavyweight champion and professional wrestler for the WWE was found dead Wednesday morning. Investigators said Cena drank a gallon of bleach after cyberbullies targeted him with “life ruining” tactics and death hoaxes.

Detective Greg Samberg, who is investigating Cena’s case, issued a threat to the bullies at an impromptu press conference, saying, “We know who did this. We know where you live. We’re coming for you. You aren’t the real Anonymous.”

Cena was reportedly inundated with muscle-shaming messages belittling his physique and exploiting his most profound psychological weakness until he could no longer continue living. Fans of “trolling” often use such life ruining tactics on vulnerable young women, but it seems they have found easier targets in muscle-bound alpha males. One troll, known only as AnonymouSabu, said in a post on John Cena’s facebook, “It’s easier and more satisfying to destroy these big men who think they’re hot shit than weak teenage girls. OMG I’m never going back.”