All my homies love Cobra. We tell Goth Dangerfield jokes to each other around the office while drinking coffee. I take my lunch break and strap his latest streams into the video editor and throw together a few mashup episodes of Star Trek, so what about it?
Then we all go back to our journalism. We’re writing the first draft of history and lording our power over you sick freaks. You can all get fucked. I’m done with you and all of your communities and glad the subreddits are dead and dying.
Your community will not be missed. You know what we’re doing on my channel? Not stealing from Cobra. Not jacking to Jessica. I’m Not rebroadcasting the entirety of their streams, while they’re live on the air, and acting like it’s our intellectual property to recast in full, just because I can crack wise on a face cam. No sir, we make original content around here – plug and play is strictly forbidden.
I could simply remove dead air, add some spare sound effects, and highlight a few of Cobra’s comments and call it transformative. Not enough? How about some unattractive color correction. “That’s actually my trademark,” these dudes would say to defend themselves during the lawsuit. Well there’s two people stupider than Cobra. Bitesize Cobra can eat shit. Boglim Chronicles? They haven’t produced a gram of original content in years. Fuck ’em all. Pieces of shit. They couldn’t edit their way out of a soggy paper bag. Yet you get down on the knees, paypigging to these absolute hacks, leeches, BOTTOM FEEDERS who put in literal minutes of work. And you’re sending them money, for what? To satisfy some sick spite that you have for a man who has a mental handicap?
“Fuck sickos” ~ King Cobra
When cornered, facing down this uncomfortable yet undeniable truth, you freaks will say “But it’s not like Josh or Jessica could sue. They can’t afford a lawyer, and not to mention…” but I won’t repeat the insults, the punching down. I hope they do sue, and that they get twice what was stolen. At the very least, show some fucking minimal basic respect for what you yourself are, you decaying boglim species on the decline. You are the rot upon society. There is more hope for humanity in Cobra’s pinky finger than all of you sad, unoriginal fucks combined. Do us all a favor! Log off the internet and stay off of it.
Stealing and condoning stealing from a creator because you believe they can’t defend themselves is some of the most morally and ethically depraved reasoning I’ve ever seen, yet collectively and without reflection, this is what you’ve all become. Fuck you, you fucking sickos. King Cobra will continue to become more famous in spite of the patently false and smug consensus on his decline, and every day the clock is ticking until an advocacy lawyer sees a profitable and righteous cause in your utter financial destruction.
Maybe I’ll make some calls to some of my connections, ask around the office. We’ll set Cobra up, this one should be easy money.
“Clocktower Dreamhouse comin’ in nicely, toobz” ~ King Cobra
Oh, how I would love to see you creeps walk a mile in Jessica’s shoes, Jessica especially. It is beautiful what a soul can endure even in this world. What the love of Cobra and Jessica can endure. I hope they get married and live a beautiful life together and everyone except the sickos find a Jessica of their own.
INTERNET — Wednesday, economists noticed that all of the world’s debt is held by a group of less than one hundred people who all hate each other and are bickering with each other like some despicable and dysfunctional high school class. Kim Jong Un leads the Eurasian faction, while Elon Musk is by far the most popular of all posters.
Tuesday, Anonymous hackers leaked telegram chats unveiling the painfully boring beefs of the most wealthy people on earth. Petty, pointless antagonisms. “I own the global discourse,” Elon Musk is seen saying, on the encrypted communications, “And thus I control the future.” Muhammed Bin Salman was seen writing, “I did Khashoggi over Counterstrike. I don’t care what he wrote, it was the auto that did it.”
“This is where I have to finally sit back and say, it’s true, here we are in clown world. This is some fucking dumb ass anime stuff. It has to be fake, but look at the numbers,” Dr. Troubador sighed, “It used to be foolish to think a few people controlled everything, but the money doesn’t lie, does it? What more proof do we need? They’re just rubbing it in our faces now. As if they don’t also control Anonymous.”
“If you have any debt at all, it goes to one of these golden hundred. If you buy anything, anywhere, 90% of the profits go to them. Economically speaking,” Troubador seethed, “this is of course retarded. Money basically means nothing anymore, and you just throw it around like a joke. Also, somehow, no one can afford the basics of anything. What has the world come to?”
Thousands of scientists have officially declared Clown World to be accurate, based on their readings. Computer Science professor Crungus H. Foreman believes things could return to normal only if these people are all suddenly taxed according to an ever adapting algorithm of his design. “I’ve based it off of Google’s new visibility. Basically, you get your time in the sun but after a few years it just nerfs you back to nothing, all while balancing the overall economy perfectly, ending boom and bust cycles forever.”
However, Dr. Troubador believes it is far too late. “The numbers were bad enough, but now that I’ve read this shit from Anonymous? On the inside, they’re just nuke baiting all the time, it’s the bread and butter of their squabbling. We may be lucky to live to see the completely unpredictable consequences of all that carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”
Internet Chronicle officially denounces the idea of Clown World
In a rare wholesome moment, Jessica Boyle reveals a hickey under Josh Saunders’ stylish dog collar.
INTERNET — Jessica Boyle, 39 of Virginia Beach, Virginia, claims that the FBI are investigating a terroristic threat at Casper/Natrona International from her bathtub, live on YouTube. Hate comments flood the chat and are swatted down. Each day the moderators ban hundreds and even thousands of despicable hate-filled messages.
Jessica growls and barks at her phone through all hours of the day and night, trying to overpower the collective hate of thousands. She’s not alone. This aggressive live streamer has found love in fellow YouTube celebrity, Josh Fay Saunders, aka King Cobra JFS.
Jessica is in her bathtub almost all hours of the day, moaning about her own ugliness and fantasizing about the women Josh will have after he discards her. Outbursts like these are just what the so-called “troles” draw pleasure from, driving them towards ever more extreme and risky methods of harassment, in what they call “milking” these so-called “lolcows.”
Fans chipped in and bought Jessica a ticket to Casper, priming Josh for what would become a powder keg of abuse, both from their frenzied community as well from Jessica, herself a deadly dangerous threat. However, long before she’d even set foot in the airport, troles appear to have hatched a terrorist plot to shut down Casper / Natrona International Airport, possibly rerouting her inbound plane and leading to a lengthy series of layovers and mysterious delays.
And then on theday Jessica was due to fly in, it happened. All flights in and out of Casper / Natrona International were cancelled.
Oil City News reports on a mysterious white substance
But that was only the beginning of the abuse and harassment. While Jessica visited Josh in Casper, prank calls from fans brought local police to his apartment many times each day, even in spite of the best efforts to mute and hide their streams.
Subsequent police visits and investigations have created immense stress in Jessica’s relationshipwith Josh. When Josh is live streaming with other people, she ties his phone up with incessant calls, commanding him to stop discussing her bad behavior. In a previous visit, Josh received a sexual content strike against his YouTube account due to Jessica’s lewd sex acts while live.
In an apparent response to FBI investigation, the r/kingcobrajfs subreddit was shuttered, and any replacement King Cobra subreddits are immediately squashed. Meanwhile, the more sinister r/the_boglim subreddit has locked down, forwarding all visitors to KiwiFarms. Reddit representatives refused to comment on their cooperation in the ongoing FBI investigation mentioned by Ms Boyle.
On the day that Jessica’s flight out of Casper was scheduled, the top post on r/kingcobrajfs begged for someone in the community to “cancel the ticket.“ Again, her flight was delayed, leading to an extreme meltdown in which Jessica fantasized about buying an “$8 machete” to take out her #1 hater, rival YouTuber Jessica Messica. Few details on any possible reasons behind this second flight delay have been revealed. Jessica only called it a “fraud,” which was escalated to the “highest levels” of her airliner’s customer service.
Because these incidentsare still under federal investigation – now extending to Josh and Jessica, or King and Queen Cobra – reddit will not allow discussion of King Cobra JFS, and his landlord won’t have him, but rumors from the boglim mines suggest Josh has acquired a majestic double-wide mobile home in the country.
A so-called “Spitter Spy,” member of the counter-trolling Spitter Spies fan group warned troles, “You don’t mess with black magic practitioners, are you stupid? I know Cobes got out his crystal staff to harness the gravity of the sun, as magnified by the moon, and wham. That eclipse power surged and his black magic took down the subreddit full of haters. Long live Ozzy, [expletive] the troles!”
