BOSTON — Dzohkhar Tsarnaev, terrorist infamous for Boston Marathon Bombings, flew into a rage Saturday night when the Red Sox won the National League Pennant. Tsarnaev has been unable to speak due to extensive injuries inflicted during the protracted shootout following the bombing, but he was able to angrily scrawl on a piece of notebook paper, “I hate Boston and nothing made me angrier than the amazing grand slam which sealed the victory for the Red Sox. Allahu Akhbar! The Sox have no chance against the Cardinals in the upcoming World Series.”
Shocked Red Sox fans attempted to storm Tsarnaev’s fortified hospital room, but were met with armed resistance by paramilitary shock troopers called in to protect the mass murdering terrorist. Angry Red Sox fan, Gerald MacDonald, told reporters, “I don’t understand why he bombed a marathon if he just wanted to talk shit about baseball. I mean, why not just bomb the baseball fans?”