You may have already won!

Dear winners,

If you are reading this, then CONGRATULATIONS on your big win. You did it. You finally won.

Life as a winner is going to feel quite a bit different. First of all, winners don’t quit. In that way life will always be the same, but because that’s your new point of reference, life for you as a winner is going to gradually become an unforgettable nightmare. Success is everything. You can do it!

Now, I get it. You’re probably thinking, ‘but hatesec, isn’t life just a miserable joke anyway?’

You’re not wrong, populus! Not by a long shot. But just because reality and everything we know is a facade doesn’t mean you can’t still get out there and vote for a democrat! By gum, the Republicans might be the Devil, but the Democrats are His golden-winged demons. A beast of many mouths, the three-headed hydra of hate beckons you to the television screen. You’re a winner, now! This is how you win! Come on and press the Win Button! Let’s finish what we started.

It was a quiet and hateful summer, as no politician seemed very prepared to lead a nation of broken workhorses into the hydra maws. They will persevere. They’re winners.

This message is brought to you amazingly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We won everything that matters.

"Now them's good old boys."