Caveman News

This is Caveman News.

News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.

What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?

That was a good intro.

I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?

Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.

You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.

Survival

• When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
• When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
• A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.

Health and Society

• Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
• Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
• With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
• If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.

You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought

• The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
• God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
• Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?

Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.

Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.