Hello and welcome to the Internet website, Internet Chronicle.
What’s the matter? Real news wrong and the wrong news is right? Not here. This is the Internet Chronicle, where you are wrong, and we are right.
Shut up!
Shut your brain down and focus on the words coming out of this website.
The news happened today. Did you know that? The news happened. You read it here first. News occurred, today it did.
You trust Internet Chronicle. You know truth when you see it, and you trust us. You trust this website to tell you when news happens.
A glance at our publishing schedule tells you that hard news is rare, with very little happening in between that would connect the major events reported here.
The truth is that between these stories, the undocumented world is scary out there. To step outside the doors of Chronicle headquarters – not that we would want to – is to exit into a purple swarming quagmire. Reality is an electrical storm of disconnected, unrelated events happening in every possible combination, all at once. There’s no way to properly report that. Not only has it never been done, it has never been successfully attempted. People who have tried are regarded as crazy, having returned from a land of madness, being touched by chaos and, rather than communicating it, they become it.
Like water, an algorithm moves information along the path of least resistance.
At the Internet Chronicle, we eat brunch on the beaches of Algorithm River, watching from our signature stillness as a stream of content flows by.
From that river we fish out stories at random, flowing not with the water below, but charged by the winds of the lightning storm writhing in the sky, where everything smells like gunpowder and neutrinos cut the open eye.
Therefore, because you might remember how StalinGPT emerged two weeks ago, or Elon Musk screwing sex dolls past their breaking point in May, when drawing conclusions from these stories and how they fit together, it is important to remember the entropy shooting around in the miasma outside. Laser guided cats are teleporting in from some kind of spaceship in geostationary orbit. We don’t actually know who that is or why they are doing it.
In light of all this outlandish shit, it is easy to forget that Tucker Carlson died. It’s crazy out there.
That is why you read Internet Chronicle. We are here to help you make sense of this stuff.
Happy Juneteenth everyone!