Charlie Sheen died in a plane crash on Friday evening. The name of the other victim, right, has not yet been released.
HOLLYWOOD—Fans mourn the loss of Charlie Sheen, famed star of Two and a Half Men and controversial proponent of recreational drug use.
While flying his private plane, authorities say Sheen became engaged in autoerotic asphyxiation and lost consciousness.
Search teams located the wreck Friday evening. Cocaine, heroin, and a bag of cannabis were found packed into the aircraft’s wing, which was on its way to Mexico.
Family has not commented on the ignominious circumstances of Sheen’s death, but his fortune has been disbursed to the DARE anti-drug abuse organization.
Sheen recently expressed interest in returning to Two and a Half Men, after being replaced by Ashton Kutcher during the depths of another one of Sheen’s episodic drug binges.
A memorial service will be held for Sheen at the Crystal Cathedral on Sunday afternoon.
Kony is cooking up “dirty” Ebola bombs by sending his child army to collect thousands of deceased Ebola victims.
INTERNET—Kony, terrorist commander of Africa’s child army, has teamed up with weapons technicians from Boko Haram to construct what has been called a “dirty” Ebola bomb.
Rather than weaponizing the deadly virus through genetic modification and lab cultivation, Kony’s child troops have been sent on a suicide mission into the heart of the Ebola outbreak to collect thousands of corpses for construction of the dirty bomb.
Biological weapons expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “If the bodies were pulverized, the liquid pressurized and detonated or dispersed with compressed air over urban areas, that kind of a dirty bomb could kill thousands, or potentially millions of Americans.
The technology to do this is available at any hardware store or airfield across the planet. It’s a 9/11 like scenario where the imagination of the terrorists turns peaceful technology into an unforeseen sophisticated weapon of mass destruction.”
Already, Americans around the country have been advised to huddle in their homes and tape over their windows with plastic sheeting to seal out the Ebola vapors that could descend at any minute.
However, Dr. Cecilia Darwin of the CDC said:
“Ebola can only effect Africans, and when it infects a European or Asian person the effects are never fatal. It’s long been known that Ebola was created in a weapons program where diseases were created to target certain haplogroups, and it’s my understanding that only African Americans should worry about the impending Ebola bombs.”
Emma Watson drank bleach Monday evening shortly after 4chan hacked her iPhone and posted her nudes.
INTERNET—Fans mourn for Emma Watson, star of Harry Potter, after she was found dead in her apartment in New York on Monday evening. After giving a speech at the UN about her support of feminism, the internet forum 4chan retaliated by hacking her iPhone and posting nude pictures they found of the starlet.
Watson drank a fatal amount of bleach after 4chan carried out a merciless hacking and stalking campaign, reminding many of the story of Amanda Todd. However, experts say the extent of the capabilities of Todd’s tormentors were limited compared to the “shockingly sophisticated and terrifying” attack that seems to have caused Watson to so rapidly commit suicide.
4chan recently went through yet another great schism, with many leaving the community of so-called imageboards for another called 8chan.org, which promised to allow more freedom of speech after 4chan banned repetitive and worn-out postings against “Social Justice Warriors.” In the past, 4chan has had other disputes and separations, often based on what are now called “waifus,” or iconic images of beautiful young women such as Boxxy captioned with expressive, gestural words. In the past, the overuse of the Boxxy waifu caused a similar schism.
Emma Watson was the most beloved waifu at 4chan, so this depraved and violent attack has caused many to question whether or not 4chan has been infiltrated by outsiders. Some nascent Reddit men’s rights and dating advice groups, festering hives of lightly-veiled misogynistic ideology, believe that Social Justice Warriors are a dominant cultural force that must be resisted. Feminists, they believe, have done many terrible things such as turn America into a weaker country and shift power unfairly towards women in all sectors of life.
Until these Reddit groups emerged, most of this kind of lingo and ideology was simply not present on 4chan, or at least unformed, so many experts agree that either the ideas are bleeding over from Reddit, or that Reddit is intentionally pushing them on 4chan in an agenda that matches the ideology: Because there is such a thing as a Social War, it must be fought through the propagation of ideas, and in the case of Emma Watson, with violent and menacing threats and computer hacking.
