Kilgoar, Author at Internet Chronicle

Twitter: The only thing worse than blogging

One day, I got really high and had this great idea to further erode the quality of information on the internet. What if bloggers were only allowed to post 140 characters in each post? The consequences might possibly include the final death of journalism in exchange for ultra-simplistic celebrity worship. “My God,” I thought, “the masses would shit themselves in excitement and trample each other to death for quicker access to such a service.” That was when I remembered I was thinking about something that already existed.

Twitter provides me with a customized stream of micro-blog posts on a wide range of bullshit I couldn’t give a fuck about. Somewhere, buried in the defiled ocean of witty celebrity comments and political trolls, something of interest may occasionally float to the surface. This is such a rare occasion that I really don’t know why I even bother anymore. Oh yeah, that’s right, I am desperately trying to float this web site to the top. Luckily, I kick ass. Sort of.

I sit around desperately watching for mentions from users with more followers than me. I socially engineered the famous hacker group LulzSec into tweeting a link to Chronicle.SU, only when the link smacked the face of 350,000 followers so many visitors flooded the site it crashed as if it were under attack. Our servers were crippled for days.

Fuck Twitter.

Butthurt? Here, fill this out.

The official death of the rage comic

Recently, Reddit sucked the last drop of funny out of rage comics. Rage comics are emoticon memes assembled into humorous stories. There was once a time when rage comics were original and made me laugh. Those days are dead.

what the fuck — This doesn't tell a story, doesn't make me laugh, and doesn't really do anything at all. The only person who laughed at this was stupidaccountname. EDIT: After reading this comic a second time, I loled at a joke by stupidaccountname. The absolutely easiest way to view a meme-free reddit is to kill yourself. That comment deserved much more karma.

marriage proposal — Yes, this is really as bad as it seems. A middle aged woman telling a touchy-feely personal story and PROPOSING to her boyfriend. I wretched!

WwLUV — There is absolutely nothing funny about this comic whatsoever. It's merely a tale of butthurt accompanied with emoticons which were funny the first 10,000 times. Now they're not.

8t218 — If you know anything about the history of rage comics, this is the one that will put you over the line. This is the one that made me post this story. One of the most famous faces in rage comics is "raisins" face. The face a person makes after biting into a cookie, thinking it's filled with chocolate chips, only to realize it is raisins. The maker of this rage comic didn't use the raisin face.

Raisins — Here is the original. Notice how this rage comic is not littered with purposeless text, building an elaborate but unfunny story. The maker of this comic actually created their own face, capturing the shock of unexpected raisin cookies so perfectly that the image has been reused thousands of times by creators of piss-poor copycat rage comics.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, we must lay rage comics to rest in the graveyard of funny internet memes that have been thoroughly beaten to death. No, fuck that. They must be incinerated forever and stricken from archive.org. God help us.