Author: Kilgoar

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Entertainment Special Interest

Anonymous Hackers reveal demonic human sacrifice at Babylon Bee office Halloween Party

INTERNET – Wednesday, the hacker collective Anonymous unveiled documents and video footage from inside the offices of the conservative satire website The Babylon Bee. Editor-in-Chief Kyle Mann was photographed in costume as Hunter Biden, snorting cocaine and smoking crack while exposing himself to staff.

“We can get away with it, because people will just think it’s props, that it’s fake, because we’re a comedy web site. Normal security measures do not apply,” Mann reasoned, in an e-mail memo distributed to staff. “Our readers will forgive us for anything. They love us.”

But crack cocaine was not all that was on the menu for the Halloween party at The Babylon Bee. “Look at me, I’m a Biden. I’m a Clinton!” Mann exclaimed, compulsively licking at his mouth, and producing a sack of pineal glands. “I can eat them straight, just like Hillary.”

Mann put the bag to his mouth, sucking in so many of the adrenochrome containing “soul” glands that he choked and spilled the extra glands all over the floor. The writers dove at the leftover glands like greedy pigs, biting at one another and fighting over every last drop of fluids while their editor-in-chief began to convulse, draped over his desk.

An excerpt from an e-mail between Jeff Rice, Babylon Bee writer, and his wife, explained the depraved scene at their demonic Halloween Party.

“When the wild high of the pineal gland feeding frenzy broke, I noticed Kyle convulsing and I was afraid he’d gone the way of Hillary. I mean they obviously weren’t first-world indigo children pineal glands, but he doesn’t usually indulge like this either. I’ve never seen him eat so many like that. It used to be even the Clintons would eat just a few, cooked on a pizza, but now even an editor of some joke web site is suckin’ them down like oysters, fillin his whole stomach with ’em. That’s the real story on Corona they don’t want you to know. It’s a soul harvest. No problem in the pineal gland supply chain, this year.”

No charges have been filed, and after contacting the Jupiter, Florida Sheriff, the Internet Chronicle received a nasty message saying that “You globohomo Anonymous freaks can tear the pineal glands out of our cold dead hands!”

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Obituaries

Tim Pool dead at 35 after struggle with COVID 19

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of journalist and social media pundit Tim Pool, 35, who passed suddenly after a monoclonal antibody treatment for COVID-19 wore off, Friday morning.

Pool recently appeared on Fox News in tears and arguing for his freedom to dodge the very vaccine that would have surely saved his life.

Tim Pool’s meteoric rise to fame came as he covered the Occupy Wall Street movement in 2012, documenting every single incident of property damage and leading to several arrests.

From that point on, Pool said he was “destined” to parlay his fame as a riot livestreamer for the more alluring role of a straight-talking political influencer, shilling for the Trump 2020 campaign, even earning several “favs” from President Trump himself.

While some have criticized Pool’s suicidal trajectory during the pandemic, Pool’s friends are more circumspect. “There’s great liberty in sickness, and especially death,” Cassandra Fairbanks said, cuddling her pet monkey, Hillary. “If Americans want to incubate a deadly virus in their bodies for a few weeks, go around without masks on coughing and wheezing down at the Bojangles, only to have their lungs rot out in the hallway of an overloaded hospital, that’s their constitutional right. That’s the American Dream, man. And Tim Pool lived every last breath of it. Give us Liberty and Give Us Death!”

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Entertainment

Chef Troubador’s Michelin Star Clickbait Recipes

You wanna cook a Michelin Star meal? Get with the program, numbnuts, and get Dr. Troubador’s Clickbait Recipe Book: The bullshit that gaurantees your plates will be trending in minutes.

Here’s a simple menu you may try out, one night, when you’re wanting to burn through some cash in order to draw in some clicks.

For a starter, try Troubador’s Michelin Star Sous Vide Wagyu Smashburger sliders, doused with Japanese Hentai Sauce and topped with specially homemade $2,000 American Style Cheese, using only the finest imported Parmiagiano Reggiano.

No slider is complete without Michelin Star Chopped Onions. You just chop them up small as fuck. Chop those fuckers so small you might as well use a food processor. Just wait until your fans see them melting away to nothing inside of the pan. That’s Michelin Star winning small onions, right there.

Tease your guests, and your followers, with Bacon-wrapped Wagyu Chicken Poppers served with Ghost Pepper Ranch dipping sauce. It’s the Wagyu of Chicken, with bacon. And it’s so spicy, it’ll leave them begging for more. Anything more.

For a hip and refreshing deconstruction of postmodern haute dining trends see if you can slurp down some Fermented Lucky Charms Pasta served in a Wagyu Sausage Sauce made by a reduction of our special brew. First, a primary beer is made with 20 year aged Smack-Em’s Cereal, then doubled brewed with a peat-roasted Count Chocula mash, and finally dry-hopped with $10,000 worth of a Sativa-Indica Hybrid that was rated so well by High Times magazine, they couldn’t even remember the strain’s name. This dish is Chef Troubador’s favorite, and it will get you High as Fuck while you’re imagining that you’re eating the food of Gods.

There’s almost no way to follow up an entree such as that, unless you’re Chef Troubador. By using one secret and hilarious trick, you might fix up Michelin Star Fried Browned Butter, itself fried in clarified butter, and glazed in a Manuka honey butter sauce. It’s also known as the Triple James Beard Award Winning Butter Blast, and it goes great a la mode.

“Vegemite Ice Cream doesn’t sound good,” the haters in the comments will say, as you own them by creating something they couldn’t even imagine. This recipe cuts through the salt and flavor with a heaping portion of liquor. Using a $2000 jug of original Popcorn Sutton moonshine, a jar of vegemite, raw milk, and fermented “1,000 year old eggs” you will be shocked to see a thick and appealing custard set instantly, and then freeze into a smooth and edible ice cream in seconds with the magic of molecular gastronomy and liquid oxygen. Science youtubers and millions of slobs gawking at their phones will at once stand at attention, saluting the power of your Flaming Michelin Star Vegemite Ice Cream as it burns and freezes at the same time.