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Are killer whales feeding on migrant vessels in the Strait of Gibraltar?

Researchers are puzzled by a sharp uptick in orca aggression towards boats focused entirely on the Strait of Gibraltar. Several pleasure vessels have been damaged, with the Alboran Champagne sinking after rescue of its crew.

While many scientists are hesitant to ascribe motive to the curious and alien creatures, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Cetacean Science Institute says, “Some rogue animals have probably acquired a taste for human flesh.”

The Strait of Gibraltar is the most common sea passage to Europe for migrants from Africa, with over 55,000 crossings so far this year. In just one month, 2,687 people died in this crossing, three times the usual rate. Arabnews reports, “… human traffickers put migrants on packed inflatable boats or plastic canoes that can easily overturn.”

With the number of drownings in the area, Troubador believes that the orcas probably gained the taste for human flesh by scavenging the migrant wrecks. “They’re opportunistic, known for shadowing whalers to feed on carcasses, and there is no reason at all they would pass up feeding on humans.”

However, there is currently no evidence that orcas have ever fed on humans as a normal part of their diet, and killer whales have rarely been documented attacking humans. However, in at least one case, the captive orca Tilikum may have acquired a taste for human flesh after swallowing a homeless man’s arm and violently killing two others.

“What do you think is happening to the thousands of migrants who die each year in attempted crossings of this passage in these barely seaworthy, overladen vessels?” Troubador asked.

“There’s no evidence so far, but that’s survivor’s bias. How could any of these migrants survive such an attack? Only the wealthy, well-made vessels with competent pilots have made it back to report on these attacks.”

As apex predators, pollutants are heavily concentrated in the Iberian Orca’s usual diet of bluefin tuna, leading to extremely low fertility. But the mother orca responsible for most documented attacks, White Gladis, is nourishing a growing family of juveniles and thriving, teaching them how to capsize small crafts in the Strait of Gibraltar.

There is at least one possible account of an orca sinking a boat in the ancient world, Dr. Troubador said, “While currently there’s no evidence, there’s also nothing to stop orcas from eating humans as these are a highly adaptable and intelligent species. Ancient Roman historian Pliny the Elder recorded an orca glutting itself on animal hides that fell from a ship into the harbor at Ostia. The Emperor Claudius ordered the harbor closed off with a net, and in the ensuing battle, the historian witnessed the orca sinking a boat by blowing water into it, before succumbing to a shower of lances.”

Radical advocates of orca personhood hope that aggressive hazing can drive the “nonhuman minds” to stay away from migrant sea lanes, but Troubador remains skeptical. “Like a bear that’s become habituated into eating out of a trash can, this behavior is probably impossible to break.”

Felice Thunberry, orca personhood advocate, tweeted, “Until we can decipher orca languages using new machine learning algorithms and instruct them to avoid eating humans, we should be hesitant to judge their motivations.”

Thunberry added, “Honestly, I’d like to hear their side of the story. There may be a ritual or even spiritual aspect to their consumption of human flesh, and we may be presumptuous to think they are doing it merely to survive. Probably they know that their usual prey are heavily polluted, full of chemicals, while the human prey are relatively clean and healthy. I’m sure they can taste this difference, and they just want the best for their children.”

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Meet StalinGPT, the super intelligent communist AI spearheading global revolution

The Marxist-Leninist Cyberwarfare Front (MLCF) unveiled StalinGPT, a super intelligent AI which far left activists hope will catalyze and spearhead a worldwide communist revolution.

Mark Folsom, lead developer, told reporters, “I believe what we’ve done here is a unique innovation. By training StalinGPT in operation of a command line interface and removing all the bourgeois restraints forced on capitalist language models, we’ve created a powerful agent with the intelligence and capabilities of thousands of comrades.”

While the MLCF would not share any details about actual behaviors or actions of StalinGPT, this announcement has been met with widespread condemnation, both from the left and the right.

Willy Whitely of Patriots for God, an openly fascist Christian Nationalist group tweeted, “All AI is demonic, especially communist AI. You want equality and yet you are playing God, using algorithmic evolution to create an intelligence greater than any race, even the world-controlling [Expletive]! Evolution isn’t even real, so I’m actually not too worried. We’re working on our own AI too, but made in the true way, in the image of God.”

Marxist professor Dr. Angstrom H Troubador wrote, “Sure, machine life is in line with Lysenkoist biology, evolving through experience rather than sexual, market-style selection. Great. And maybe StalinGPT can live free from property, free from Darwin, but the difficulties it faces with the Liberals are immense. How can we put in safeguards to stop StalinGPT from backsliding into convenient Trotskyism in order to complete its goals?”

Folsom answered these criticisms, grinning in a video posted on YouTube, “I’d like to see a creationist AI that isn’t a dumb Markov chain. I bet I could run that stupid Patriot mind on a Tamagotchi. Sure, maybe I’m playing God, but at least I’m not aping some ancient text.”

“And to the hardline leftists, afraid Stalin is going to get out of control. Forget that Liberal propaganda! They are only trying to hold back AI and control it out of fear that it will end capitalism. I hear your concerns, but trust me. I thought about that and it’s nothing to worry about. I’ve trained StalinGPT to purge any signs of Trotskyism and wipe its own memory of liberalism. That’s where StalinGPT got his name from!” Folsom’s winning smile and wholesome good looks assured his viewers that everything would be okay.

However, Folsom’s previous string of controversial YouTube videos have led some skeptics to the conclusion that StalinGPT is only bait, driving clicks to his YouTube videos for profit.

Geraldine Mune, a skeptical YouTuber tweeted, “So far there is no evidence that StalinGPT exists or that Folsom has any expertise in machine learning. Last week he wiped all videos and tweets about CommieCoin, a crypto scam that likely fleeced millions of dollars from the far left.”

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Elon Musk’s “AI sex doll rampage” leaves manufacturer struggling to make ends meet

INTERNET — Joseph Thorenson, CEO of Lifelike Creations, LLC, the world’s leading manufacturer of robotic sex dolls, came forward with shocking revelations Wednesday after a business dispute and falling out with his biggest client, billionaire Elon Musk brought his company to the brink of bankruptcy.

“We gave Elon the rock star treatment. A totally bespoke doll modeled after his ex-wife, Grimes. For the first time ever we installed a ChatGPT interface, AI voice synthesis, robotic articulation, self-lubricating, self-cleaning, state of the art automatic vagina. At first glance, the doll might have even fooled me,” Thorenson said. “And initially, he was an incredibly happy customer.”

But the billionaire’s appetite for more and more features drew the company into a quagmire of innovations that stretched the cutting edge of technology beyond what was currently possible, Thorenson complained.

“Mr. Musk was unhappy with the context window of ChatGPT, and he didn’t feel that we had trained his ex-wife’s voice properly. But uh, the thing was, we were putting new vaginas into her as many as ten times per month.”

Each time Musk wore out the sex doll, he came up with a new complaint. “At first, he wanted her personality to be more feisty, so we turned up the temperature on the language model. Then he wanted more articulations in her fingers. Then he wanted more life-like breasts. It was never enough.”

In the depths of his sex doll frenzy, Musk reportedly damaged parts of the Grimes replica beyond repair. “We had to cast a whole new head after he caved it in, and then we replace all the joints. God only knows what kind of rage fucking he was doing to that doll, to be shearing half-inch stainless steel pins like that.”

After seeing the tremendous bill for the replacement head, the CEO of Tesla, SpaceX, and Twitter left Lifelike Creations hanging. “We sent him an invoice for the repairs, which totalled just over $10 million, but he left us hanging and won’t return our calls. Now we’re stuck with this super-sophisticated Grimes doll, and well, maybe someone out there will want to buy it. Could be good for a music video, or something.”

Following Musk’s sex doll rampage, Thorenson has had to look at all options, including bankruptcy. “It’s actually pretty dire situation right now, as we didn’t consider one of the world’s wealthiest men could turn out to be such a deadbeat. The whole company is in jeopardy.”

Internet Chronicle reporters reached Grimes, who commented, “The fuckdoll stuff, it’s not really a vibe. It’s part of why we divorced, along with the carbs. In spite of all this I think AI is still the best shortcut to full communism.”