Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — President Biden, beaming at Washington DC policymakers through dark Ray-Ban aviators, announced Sunday at a special brunch that his administration has found decisive proof hundreds of thousands of fentanyl overdoses in the US can be traced to a single pharmaceutical operation in China.

“Their days are numbered,” Biden smiled, as he sipped on a mixture of lemonade and iced tea, better known as an Arnold Palmer. “Either China can cease all production of Fentanyl, or we’ll smoke ’em. We have new capabilities that can reach anyplace on earth, instantly.”

Biden pulled away from the brunch in his Porsche Panamera, squealing his tires and laughing.

Marjorie Taylor Greene was briefly seen shouldering a table full of croissants and pineapple slices, doing squats and screaming, “Impeach the Biden Crime syndicate now!” However, the media’s strange fascination with her freakish Neanderthal-like antics seemed momentarily broken by the revelation of actual news.

Speculation raged through social media, and with the viral analysis of Chat GPT 4.0, the mass consensus was that the US Space Force has fielded an orbital microwave beam that can instantly destroy any surface facility on earth, igniting metals and boiling human beings from the inside out.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador reacted to the sudden craze of conservatives microwaving Fentanyl in an attempt to disprove Biden’s resolve to destroy the facility with a strongly-worded warning: “Do not attempt to destroy Fentanyl using your microwave ovens. This may lead to the release of deadly Fentanyl fumes, which would only be giving China what they want: More dead Americans.”

Conservatives continued to microwave the Fentanyl, with Leeroy Flagstaff of Highland Park, Maryland telling reporters, “Science ain’t always right.”

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of kickboxing legend Andrew Tate, who was found dead in his mansion outside of Bucharest from an apparent overdose on DMT.

Authorities found excess quantities of the “spirit molecule” in Tate’s still-smoking cigar.

Tate was catapulted to fame when video surfaced of him whipping a young woman with his belt. The kickboxer was recently released from prison after facing charges for human trafficking in relation to his crying camgirl farm.

Proceeds from Tate’s Mutli-level Marketing campaign, the so-called “Hustler University” have been seized by the Romanian government, as litigation against the scheme is ongoing.

Many fans believe that Tate’s overdose on the “spiritual molecule” Dimethyltryptamine (DMT) has brought him into a higher realm. Hardcore fan, 14 year old Charlie Gilliam of Liverpool told reporters, “He’s wit machine elves now bruv,” teary eyed and ripping hard on a cigarette, “The fookin’ matrix, yo. Fook.”

[Editor’s note: Reporters seized the minor’s cigarettes and informed his parents, who didn’t seem to care.]

FLORIDA — Fans mourn the loss of Tucker Carlson, political commentator and beloved voice of Conservative America.

Carlson was found dead in his bed Saturday morning from an alleged brain aneurysm and is survived by his wife Susan and his four children. Boca Grande Police investigators said there were no signs of foul play but that all possibilities, including the use of “microwave weapons,” were being pursued.

The tragic death of Carlson comes just weeks after his firing from Fox News, where he spearheaded the network’s opinion and commentary with a powerful spin that critics often derided as “conspiracy theory.”

In the wake of his firing, Carlson promised a return to showbiz, continuing his show with two short videos posted on Twitter, criticizing the news media for ignoring the truly important issues of the day.

Longtime Tucker Carlson fan Dale Gallihan told reporters, “This goes to show how naive we were to think Tucker could have gotten away with it so easy. He’s up against the deep state, lizards who are more ruthless and powerful than even he could imagine.”

Veteran reporter and analyst Vic Livingstone, author of Slowkill Genocide, wrote “Tucker was going to end legacy media with his new Twitter show and I think Rupert Murdoch called in his microwave assassination team, it was a fullkill Havana Syndrome. The new weapons can penetrate even the most carefully wrought Faraday cages, so even the elites are not safe.”