Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Chopped Judges and celebrity chefs Aaron Sanchez, Alex Guarnaschelli, and Marc Murphy tested positive for HIV after ingesting trace amounts of infected blood during the filming of the competition cooking show. It is unknown which competitor is responsible, but Food Network is investigating.

Contestants on Chopped are given just minutes to concoct dishes to please the judges and often cut themselves in haste. Usually the camera crews spot accidental contamination of food by contestants, even if the accident goes unnoticed to the contestant.

Ted Allen, the show’s host, said, “Cameras can’t catch every detail, but we are reviewing footage as well as investigating medical records to see who might be responsible. Despite this unfortunate and tragic accident, the show must go on.”

Food Network plans to air a special episode of Chopped in which HIV positive chefs will serve dishes to the newly infected judges, emphasizing safety and tolerance.

INTERNET — Today a group identifying itself as Anonymous launched Operation Death Eaters, a vigilante law-enforcement operation which promises to independently prosecute and execute pedophiles in high office.

However, an official Anonymous press release revealed that because Operation Death Eaters is coordinated by Heather Marsh, who is not anonymous, this operation cannot truly be the work of Anonymous.

An Anonymous spokesperson in New York, using the alias “Hector Monsegur,” told reporters, “Heather Marsh is not even lowercase anonymous. She’s a leaderfag and a fascist with maniacal delusions of revolution and power. We’re going to show her the real Anonymous.”

The official press release stated that “[Marsh] is not Anonymous. [Marsh] is Helen Lovejoy,” referencing a well-known character in the Simpsons who has become a symbol of middle-class mob mentality, often crying, “think of the children!” It also stated, “. . . we are launching an open source investigation public inquiry into her personal life.”

Political analyst and expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “The great power that has been achieved by Heather Marsh by appropriating the Anonymous brand could ruin the careers of any politician she may want to point her finger at, and what’s worse, it definitely does not jive with the Anonymous brand. I think, although this is just speculation, that there is a political agenda, perhaps even a political party backing her and the operation which will ruin whatever politicians stand in its way just by a mere accusation.”

Professor at MacGill University and eminent Anonymous expert Bella Coleman said, “The prankish lulz that either motivate Anonymous operations or are injected into the more serious operations just are nowhere to be seen in Operation Death Eaters. Many of the hardcore Anons will agree that this means it’s no longer the true Anonymous, but I see it as Anonymous changing. No one gets to define what is or isn’t the ‘True’ Anonymous.”

INTERNET — Edward Snowden spoke out after reports of rapid desertification in Mongolia have shocked millions, saying, “The desertification in Mongolia is an intentional effect created by the DARPA weather modification program that aims to turn the planet into an inhospitable wasteland while preserving perfect conditions for Monsanto products in America.”

Four Herders in lower Mongolia were jailed for protesting the Chinese government policy that outlawed grazing in areas threatened with desertification. Protesters say the government’s mining and forestry operations in their former nomadic homelands are to blame for the desertification, not the grazing.

Edward Snowden said, “While I stand with these nomads and want to protect their way of life, they should be blaming the US government. Their end game is to turn everything but Monsanto’s farms into a lifeless wasteland, because National Security has become more important to them than basic humanity.”