Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — WikiLeaks spokesperson Jolene Assange shocked the world, announcing, “Both Al-Qaeda and ISIS have their highest leadership positions infiltrated by Hindus who want to sow discord among monotheistic religions. It was not the United States government that engineered 9/11. It was India.”

A leaker shared documents with WikiLeaks which confirmed beyond a doubt that the attack on Charlie Hebdon in France was carried out by a special Muslim-to-Hindu convert militia known as the PakiHindus. The PakiHindu commando squad has framed Muslim terrorists for heinous acts both in India and abroad since their creation in the late 70s.

Angstrom H. Troubador, Wikileaks volunteer analyst, said, “Christian missionaries won over millions of Hindus in the past century and the Muslims are across their border with a finger on a nuclear trigger. You don’t think ISIS, Al-Qaeda, or the shooting at Charlie Hebdon would take the pressure off of them in a cost-effective manner?”

Troubador elaborated, “A moderately powerful nation such as India could easily afford a double false flag, leaving evidence that the CIA had perpetrated the 9/11 attacks while carrying them out with their already established commando squad. They see Islam, Christianity, and Judaism as a single entity — Devil Abraham — which must be provoked to self-immolate and usher in the maximum proliferation of polytheistic belief. I think it’s working incredibly well, it should have been obvious. But even though the monotheistic world finally has proof, I don’t think it will Matter. There won’t ever be an end to petty bickering over cartoons. Monotheistic religions won’t stick together, instead there will be a gradual erosion of faith through fear and competition. The Hindus will inherit the Earth.”

HOLLYWOOD — Jack Black, comedic actor, died Monday evening after suffering a severe stroke at the age of 45. Fans mourn the loss of Jack Black and suspect his death was related to overindulgence in candy over several decades.

Black was rumored to have rented out a candy store where he was granted 24-hour permission to do anything he wanted inside. Fans said Black drew the shades, and emerged in the middle of the night, unable to speak or see. He died shortly thereafter.

Black’s estate will be disbursed and charitably donated to SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.

INTERNET — A previously unknown hacker group, ObamaSec (short for Obama Security), posted a press release Monday taking credit for downing North Korea’s internet infrastructure in retaliation for their hack of Sony pictures. The release stated, “Proud American citizens were denied their right to a comedic and economy stimulating movie, and this is an intolerable act of aggression.” ObamaSec added, “At least 9,000 jobs have been lost as a result of North Korea’s all-out offensive on Sony Pictures,” and ObamaSec promised to keep North Korea offline until they released South Korean Starcraft star Taeja. EDIT: Taeja has confirmed he is not, in fact, in North Korean Custody.

In the release entitled, “North Korea Gets Barekt,” patriotic American hackers led by the notorious computer savant, th3j35t3r, also gloated over their defeat of North Korean “savages.” Using a sophisticated tool known only as XerXes, ObamaSec was able to overload the memory circuits of computers responsible for controlling the data flow in and out of the pariah nation.

ObamaSec hacker th3j35t3r has a history of right wing ideology and may be using the president’s name as an ironic jab at Obama’s intransigence to the North Korean attack on America. As is common in press releases from hackers, ObamaSec’s statements cannot be taken at face value as they are generally loaded with a hefty dose of trolling. Hacker expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “It is quite likely that ObamaSec is a front organization for the US government or one of its allies, so that no one has to take credit for the attack.”