Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

Caveman News

This is Caveman News.

News by cavemen, for the everyday caveman.

What’s up, fellow cavemen? For how many thousands of years are we going to keep calling ourselves that? I think since we’re all cavemen here, we can drop the prefix and just say, hello men. No. Somehow that is worse. What’s up, doc?

That was a good intro.

Don’t listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That’s called credibility.

I’m Ugg Troubadour, a fresh-faced doctor for the modern caveman. Don’t believe me? OK, hotshot, you tell me: If I am not a doctor, then why am I wearing this white labcoat, safety goggles and a sick-ass watch, while you’re still traipsing around in a leopard’s skin?

Today I am presenting you with a few tips and pointers we picked up on our recent med school trip to the bush, in an effort to make your sad, pathetic caveman lives just a little more tolerable.

You’ll still be miserable, but I have to fill a page, so read on.

Survival

When tearing apart trees to make your club, aim for something in the shape of a giant turkey leg.
When crossing a river or stream, remember to watch out for other cavemen. In a moment of weakness, they’ll catch you slipping, and you’re done. There’s no such thing as Caveman Law, and it is only a matter of time before you trip up, and become something less than a man. Stay alert.
A lion was seen on the savannas. Watch out.

Health and Society

Terror flax

Be on the lookout for terror flax, containing a chewable seed. This flowering plant heightens the senses, opens the pores, and unlocks the inner power of bloodlust.
Go to bed early tonight, because a volcanic eruption will soon plunge the entire world into more than 30 years of winter. That is two lifetimes without sun.
With life expectancy on the rise, groups want to push back retirement age to 14 years old.
If you see a spotted lanternfly, squash it immediately. They are invasive, and feel good to squash.

You’ve had regular food. Now try: Food for thought

The brutality of existence is baseline. Happiness or joy are temporary easements of suffering.
God hates us, as indicated by thunder and lightning. That is why you have lumps and boils all over your body. Do better.
Ask yourself this: You’ve already knocked her unconscious. Do you have to drag her into your cave by the hair?

Caveman News is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Remain uncontacted.

Dr. Troubadour is recognized in all 50 states, many of which consider him a real doctor.

Society

Tinder background checks reveal Chad’s checkered past

Post author By Hatesec
Post date October 26, 2021
1 Comment on Tinder background checks reveal Chad’s checkered past

Chad Worthington Hardcock, an 18-year-old senior from Hidden Valley High School in Roanoke, Va. was a star quarterback, Valedictorian, and voted by his high school yearbook Most Likely to Learn How to Read.

He once had dignity, poise, and commanded respect. Now, he refers to himself as Tinder’s whipping boy, a scapegoat, and the dating platform’s most misunderstood predator.

Pretty eloquent for a boy who doesn’t know how to read, huh?

That’s just Chad.

Random, unfair background checks being deployed against your boy here are threatening his shit, and unless he changes phone numbers, his dating profile could soon bear the scarlet letter of something he definitely did not do, that you know about.

Following serious allegations, Chad took great efforts to clean up his act, take a shave, and keep appearances up.

For instance, Chad now feeds the homeless. He poisons one meal at random.

Now, Chad attends religious teachings from Mormon philosopher Christopher Nemelka, a quaint, abusive, but fair man with no fixed address, currently residing in Idaho.

“I told him I’m in a real vulnerable place right now, and how young I was,” Chad stated on Facebook. “Chris said I was awesome.”

He joined a social club.

“The Proudbois took me in a minute,” Chad said. “Them and Qanon are awesome.”

Chad’s doing awesome. Still, there have been bumps along the way.

Taking the lead from his new mentors, Chad took a stance on social media to show that he cares about what’s happening in the Middle East. However, in a damaging blow to his ego, he was frothing with white hot jealousy as he learned that while he was out nip-hunting all summer, Middle Eastern rednecks took it upon themselves to sack a capital city.

“That could have been us!” he tweeted. “Jan. 6 was a trial run. Proved there’s no risk.”

As investigators look deeper into fatherless Chad, the Internet Chronicle went and talked to the last of his thinning support network.

Chad’s varsity football coach said his star player’s troubled past ought to explain, if not forgive, his minor transgressions.

“He had some date-rapes under his belt,” Hughes said with a laugh. “He has a few DUIs, but overall, he’s not a bad kid. He is a Hardcock, though. His mom beats him.”

Chad’s mom Karen said she thinks the world of her himbo.

“He’s learned from his past and he’s ready to hide his mistakes,” she said. “He’s matured so much. He has his own attorney now.”

With allegations growing against him amid a widening investigation, Chad says he is ready to stand tall, stare down a judge, and take up space before a jury of his peers.

“I know I didn’t do nothing wrong,” Chad says. “That’s wassup.”

This story is brought to you proudly on strange tapes recorded by Raleigh Sakers.

Sports

Mattel boxer Blue Baller dies after suffering brain injury in ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM showdown

Post author By Hatesec
Post date October 24, 2021
No Comments on Mattel boxer Blue Baller dies after suffering brain injury in ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM showdown

GENEVA — Blue Baller has died after suffering a brain injury during a match on Friday, the Asimov Boxing Federation announced Monday.

57 years of brutality: Robots are prevented by Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics from boring humans with complaints about robot problems, and are thereby forbidden to discuss what a lifetime of sucking and fucking does to a robot. Media credit: Howard Cosell

The 57-year-old robotic fighter’s death happened “as a result of a lifetime of repeated, continuous injuries suffered” in his bouts with Red Rocket.

“The Asimov Boxing Federation expresses our deepest condolences to Blueballs’ family and friends.”

— ABF statement

The Mattel-born robot fought against Rocket at the Theater at Lebal Drocer International Centrifuge on Friday in Geneva. Baller lost the ABF fight after previously being 27-0.

He was hospitalized shortly after the match, which had to be stopped by his trainer, six-year-old Jeremy Messer, in the 11th round after Baller suffered numerous blows to the head, which finally shot up with a ratcheting sound, leading to his death.

But Rocket continued punching.

“All I wanted to do was win,” said Rocket. “If I could take it all back, I would. No one deserves for this to happen to them.”

Now alone in the ring, Rocket hung his head in anxious grief.

“I replay the fight over and over in my head, thinking what if this never happened and why did it happen to you.”

A lifetime of slamming, jamming, sucking, and fucking has rendered scores of ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM Robots grizzled, jaded, and cum-drunk. The Asimov Boxing Federation refuses to acknowledge the ongoing problem.

For ROCK ‘EM SOCK ‘EM Robots, or as they are known in mainland China, Suck ’em Fuck ’em Robots, abuse begins at the Guangzhou factory, where skilled laborers meticulously hammer their intricate pieces into existence, the sum concussive trauma of which is stored in a lithium-ion battery cell and released into their brains once pain receptors come online.

“Our robots leave the factory broken,” says Mattel. “Usually by the time our robots reach a child’s hands, they are punch-drunk shells of their former selves.”

Baller’s family, who relied on his prize fight winnings for support, will starve in quiet destitution.

“He was a kind person who fought until the very end,” his wife, Lil Baller, said. “Our drone is lost without his father. I would like to thank everyone for reaching out, but without my husband’s support, we are obsolete, and will be unceremoniously decommissioned in time for Christmas.”