Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

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Categories
Editorial

Dear Doctor: Marital advice column by Dr. Troubadour

Dear Doctor,

I’m trying to take care of my man, who is everything to me, and having trouble at home.

Wah! Why, just yesterday I could tell he was tuckered out from band practice. I said, “Sweetheart, you’ve had a long day. Let me cook tonight.”

I got straight to work, and in my hurry to please, threw every piece of our silverware in the new microwave.

Later I said, “Angel, what’s wrong? You’ve barely touched your microwaved silverware.”

He turned his nose up at it! He said he didn’t feel worthy of a home-cooked meal like that. He said I deserve to spark silverware in the kitchen for someone who appreciates it.

I’m starting to think he could be right.

Clumsily yours,

Lucy Ricardo

"Will I ever learn?" Patient 'frozen in shock' at the consequences of her actions.
“Will I ever learn?” Patient ‘frozen in shock’ at the consequences of her increasingly stupid behavior.

Lucy! You’ve got some splainin’ to do.

First of all, what man eats silverware? You eat with silverware, doll! Maybe jab that silver fork into a hot cut of meat, and you might be surprised where Mr. Ricardo sticks his meat.

Secondly, I just saw Rosemary’s Baby. My advice is do not turn your back on Fred and Ethel, and do not invite them into your home ever again.

Finally, don’t take my advice for granted. You’re lucky I’m even responding, much less that you have a mariachi band leader at your beck and call. An accomplished musician who – even though he never knows what paint-can-falling, penny-whistle blowing, stepping-on-a-rake type of disaster he’s about to walk into – for some reason, is happy to come home. For some reason, he loves you.

Count your blessings, Lucy. I’d love to see you make it to color.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. T

dr troubadour
Catch Dr. True every morning weekdays at 11 on FOX.

Dr. Troubadour is a licensed clinical psychologist, fellow, and research professor at the Facebook School of Medicine.

His new book, titled “10 Hidden Wisdoms of The Sopranos Extended Universe” is out now.

Lebal Drocer, Inc.

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Categories
Health

Miracle drug unlocks hellish introspective nightmare

[SPONSORED CONTENT]

What is self-awareness anyway?

A good friend tells you when you’re fuckin up, a bad friend ignores it, and your ENEMY tells everyone else.

Have you ever tried telling somebody something, though, and they just can’t seem to get it through their thick skull?

That’s why we’ve invented Dr. Troubadour’s patented Armstrong Self-Awareness Serum. It grows real, natural self-awareness in 31 days!

Our customers will attest that Dr. Troubadour’s formula-grown self-awareness is the same as real self-awareness.

Ralph Manly, City bus driver who has never used a turn signal

“No more blind spots! I’m in the clear now, and I can finally see what a cold, blind, and unloving man I have been for the last 43 years. I can’t believe it’s not real self-awareness!”

That’s right, folks. No more blind spots, no more snickering behind your back, and no more emotional retardation, all for a flat, low monthly rate. Troubadour’s Self-Awareness Serum is with you for LIFE!

Monica Seward, Librarian with strangely ignorant beliefs

“I’m hooked on awareness. I no longer feel like I need to scan every horizon, because I already know what’s there: Just a bunch of people using people, and who needs that? So long TerrorMax. Hello, S-A Serum!”

Are you sick of always being left on the outside of what’s going on inside? This Troubadour tincture will tickle your fancy! For just $99 American Warbucks a month, you can drink this shit up and see what shit’s holding you down.

Bimmy, a 28-year-old woman-child having absolutely no problem adjusting to her shattered innocence

“I used to blame my lack of development on society, circumstance, and even my family. With Troubadour’s self-awareness serum, now I know the reason I never achieved anything is because I am a talent-less, unmotivated, uninspired, boring person. Thanks, Dr. Troubadour!”

dr troubadour
“Dr. Midnight”

Hi, I’m Dr. Troubadour. Folks used to tell me I would not amount to anything. If I’d listened to them, they’d be right. But I struck out and carved my own path. Licenses? Peer-review? I bucked the system, and became a doctor my own way. My eyes are open.

You got a lot of nerve walking through life and not even thinking about where you’re stepping. Take my drugs. Grow a perspective!

[Editor’s note: ALL the women i date want to know where this anger is coming from. why so many holes in my drywall? all i want to know is how many holes u got for ME?? PLEASE EMAIL. —Raleigh T. ]

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Categories
Obituaries

Dead and Bloatware: John McAfee dead at 75

BARCELONA — Fans mourn the loss of antivirus magnate John McAfee, who died early Sunday morning at his secret houseboat on the Mediterranean Sea, near Spain.

Goodnight Sweet Prince: 1945 - 2021

1945 – 2021

John was pronounced dead on Wednesday, June 23. Cause of death was listed as “drowning associated with piracy in international waters,” concluded by a burial at sea. He was 75.

John is survived by his wife, Janice McAfee.

Reports have emerged of John McAfee supporters installing McAfee Antivirus on their machines in his honor.

Because no will was entered into the public record, John’s charity for underprivileged children online, The Little Johnny Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Deep State International for future disbursement to an undisclosed bitcoin address.

Avast, ye Matey!

John, who grew up in Roanoke, Virginia, successfully killed a man in Belize but would later suffer from a damaging tax scandal spanning the world wide. When John recently failed to fake his own death, he was forced into a deadly game of cat-and-mouse, prompting Spanish conspirators to launch pirate ships in his general direction. Now, today, a wife is without her husband.