Author: Hatesec

I am the hatest

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Uncontrollable Patriotism

US GOVERNMENT detaining anyone who calls them fascist

Accusatory reporters are being arrested to prove how fascist the government is not becoming
[Terrorist] arrested after criticizing [wonderful] things America is doing to [protect our freedom].

Washington– An executive decision passed down by United States President Barack Hussein Obama ordered the arrest of blog owners and activists who insist fascism is creeping in.

Widespread criticism of the Obama Administration appeared after the extrajudicial killing of Anwar al-Awlaki, an American citizen in Yemen, and Obama’s decision to indefinitely detain American citizens thought to be in support of terrorist organizations such as the Taliban, chronicle.su, and Al Qaeda.

Chronicle.su political analysts believe the Presidency is nothing more than a facade to conceal the evils of unchecked corporate oligarchy. Mike Levitz, Lead Social Engineer behind chronicle.su, said because there is no social responsibility to match the ravenous spread of currency into politics, “America’s just resorting to fascism.”

In response, President Obama reportedly announced, “I’ll show them what fascism is.”

American organizations such as chronicle.su are being infiltrated by social engineers the likes of which Ronald Reagan and all his malls, and all their security guards could never imagine. Secret agents are sent out to determine the exact means by which they can classify undesirable entities, like Wikileaks or chronicle.su, as “terrorist” in the hopes of coercing Google to erase their appearances among search results.

Chronicle Lead Expert on nothing-in-particular Marty Collins disappeared with agents in dark suits Friday afternoon and failed to report back in Monday. He is presumed dead, or worse.

This message brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
They will never take us alive.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Health

Nutritionist declares recent poop a success

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur enjoyed a “soft, but firm” poop Thursday.

In what might have otherwise been an uneventful bowel movement, Chronicle nutritionist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur noticed a peculiar softness and consistency in Thursday’s stool, such that he was moved to turn around and declare the specimen “a major success.”

“A major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur said he was thumbing a medical journal when he recognized what he called “true anal progress.” Troubedauer explained, “I was just sitting there [on the ceramic throne] minding my own business, thumbing through a medical journal when I detected with my sphincter a consistency most desirable in human waste. Yes sir, this poop was a major success.”

Dr. Troubedaur described the poop as brown in color with the consistency of “a snake sliding through the grass,” which then “crept stealthily into the water.” Dr. Troubedaur said he was relieved to report the noted absence of a splash, because he dislikes the sensation of cold dirty toilet water lapping at his butthole. “After a good poop, [cold water in your ass] just feels like a bad joke,” he added.

Dr. Troubedaur said he anticipates a fifteen follow-up wiping session “that could lead to a shower” in order to avoid wasting more toilet paper.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Entertainment Technology

Gamer retires from life as time consuming Diablo III career takes off

Jim Hannahan
Jim Hannahan, pictured during his last known public appearance, smiles comfortably just outside the wretched clutches of a long and rewarding Diablo III career.

Roanoke, Va.– 28-year-old Kroger clerk Jim Hannahan stopped going into work when he realized being a cashier at the supermarket was not only beneath a level 60 Legendary Monk, but cut directly into game time.

What at first he believed might be a rough transition came more naturally than expected, Jim said. “I used to just play it in my spare time,” he explained, “but then I found myself abandoning heavy responsibilities like work and nutrition. Now I’m peeing in bottles and setting them by the desk. I just dump ’em out later, whenever I’m in town.”

What began as a casual hobby gradually assumed full time control of area man Jim’s coping mechanisms, creeping into his sex drive and profoundly changing his habits among regular society. There is no longer a facet of Jim’s life Diablo III does not touch.

While experts suggest Jim suffers from depression and social anxiety, others aspire to his achievements, which are logged indefinitely at his profile, BabyDust#1662, on the Battle.net servers.

Tommy Sellers, 14, purchased Diablo III on release day but, because of school and extracurricular activities his parents “forced him into,” he is only level 52 on the Hell difficulty setting. Tommy expressed a desire to drop more time consuming activities like baseball and French Club in order to play Diablo III (Game of the Year) and eat Hot Pockets, a wonderful product. “Jimmy’s already on Inferno pushing the devil back into the underworld,” said Tommy, “and here I am learning French like a sap – like a fucking faggot. All I’m learning in French class is surrender – to my parents! I wish I didn’t have to do anything so I could just go up to my room and play Diablo III forever. I hate my fucking bitch mom.”

[pullquote]One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?'[/pullquote]To fully engage Diablo III, Jim takes dietary supplements for nourishment and has resorted to daily intake of Baby Dust Pills, a tremendous product, in order to release aggression through masturbation. Jim said dying all the time is not only costly monetarily, but causes unhealthy spikes in blood pressure followed by “inexplicable” heart palpitations and crying fits.

“Jim’s in a world of pain he’s just going to have to fight his way out of, alongside Barbarians and Demon Hunters.”

Tammy Hannahan, Jim’s mother

A friend close to Jim, who asked that she remain Anonymous, said he is prone to sudden outbursts between long stretches of tomb-like silence. “One night, out of nowhere, Jim woke up the whole neighborhood, bellowing ‘YOU CAN’T FUCKING HEAL ME!?’ at the NPC [non-playable character] following him around. I said, ‘Jim, they can’t hear you!’ and he didn’t respond, not a word. He just kept shaking his head, and clicking. Oh, the clicking!”

Jim Hannahan has not expressed plans to go back to work, because playing Diablo III, dying repeatedly and farming for gold, he said, “feels enough like work already.”