I’ll be here all week, folks, so relax, and try to have fun.
Comedy is so funny! HAHA COMEDY BLOG POSTING IS FUN
HAHA FUCKING POLITICAL JOKES
Donald Trump is SICK with MEMES
POLITICS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY ISN’T IT! DOESN’T MATTER HOW HIGH THE STAKES ARE. IT’S A GAG. WE WERE JUST KIDDING. DON’T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY, WE WERE JUST ATTEMPTING A COUP FOR A GAG, IT’S JUST BOYS HAVING FUN, CHILL OUT.
Relax! Nothing bad is happening. We just thought we would try our hand at a coup. OK, so it didn’t work. We will see ourselves out. You just gotta throw shit at the wall and see what sticks, right? So the whole right-wing authoritarian coup scenario did not play out. Better luck next time!
Donny Trump was just what AMAZON and WALMART needed. You’ve never seen people BEG for a corporatocracy like Americans in the Trump era. Four years of WISHING for Microsoft. WISHING for Amazon. WISHING for Lockheed-Martin to come back and just fucking drone strike some shit again, in the name of democracy. SPREAD IT LIKE FUCKING NAPALM! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, THAT’S GOOD DEMOCRACY. Odd how it glistens, and sticks to the skin, and burns to the bone. Curious, that.
FUNNY SATIRE
HAHA INTERNET CHRONICLE SO FUNNY, CUTE JOKE ABOUT THE COLLAPSE OF THE AMERICAN DREAM, VERY FUNNY, HEY THE DREAM IS ROTTEN IS STINKING, CAN YOU PLEASE KICK IT INTO THE STREET NOW, IT HAS BECOME UNPLEASANT. IT OFFENDS THE SENSES.
HAHA SO FUNNY ONION ARTICLE ABOUT HAHA GROUP, OTHER GROUP WRONG, OUR GROUP RIGHT. HAHA SO MEME 2020 BAD BUT UH-0H HERE COME 2021 DOGE FACE
Virtual Dr. Troubadour’s head opens like a hatch, ejecting the perfect pill that’s right for YOU
Hello,
I am Dr. Angstrom H. Troubonymous. I have enjoyed a long, storied career as a plastic surgeon to America’s top most beautiful celebrities. Some people say I do not deserve my wealth. Some say I deserve nothing at all. Others still will say I should be locked up, behind bars, and caged like an animal. As you can see, with all my accolades, I’m about ready to prescribe you a whole medicine chest of oxys, percocets, tramadol, xanny bars, yellow boys, and footballs.
I do not have a medical license, but the way everybody’s looking for me, you would think I am the best doctor in town, and you’d be right! But no, I may not have no fancy medical degrees. No, I did not go to Princeton, Harvard, or Yale. I attended Lebal Drocer University, where everybody gets a turn. From there I learned the invaluable art of having a good time.
That is why I come to you today with shrimp benzos, shrimp downers, shrimp quaaludes – I can still get those (I know a guy) – perc 30s, perc scampy, perc burgers, perc in aspic, perc in boiled sauce – perc mayo and perc junip, with sprigs on the side.
I am a pretty good old doctor. Look for me in the Yellow Pages. Remember the Yellow Pages?
Soooo, yeah. I bet right now you’re probably wondering how I got here, huh?
VHS footage rewinds through an entire, shitty puppet act, and
I’m staring, like a stoop, at someone who should not exist, an adult who plays with dolls, in front of me, for money.
Mom and Dad fight a lot. I escape into videogames and youtube videos – changing by the minute – on a 6th-generation iPad handed down to me from Aunt Judy. A single iPad does little to muffle the gut-wrenching snarles of hatred coming up through the floor, but it does minimize their impact on my sensitive brain.
For some reason, though, Mom and Dad are pissed off that I’m on it all the time. Over the weekend, Dad entered my room without knocking. I expected him to kneel down at my eye level, comfort me, and maybe even let me know they are not getting a divorce. Instead of comforting me, Dad took away my videogames and explained they have decided to enrich my life by taking me down to the community theater, where a balding man in suspenders would introduce me and a pack of Latch-Key kids to a miniature stage and his troupe of ancient puppets. Was this some kind of sick joke?
Let me tell you, folks. This shit is real.
So out comes the puppet act. I’m sitting here watching some Gallagher-looking burnout, and he’s dancing his little puppets around – marionettes, he calls them – and you can tell he’s been doing it a long time, since before I was born, because these little wooden bastards are creepy looking. But they are not supposed to be. He never once acknowledges it. Also, he never tells any jokes, or does anything remotely entertaining, whatsoever. At no time do I enjoy this. Still, he just keeps going.
I can even see his shoulders. The guy is right there, behind the stage! I give Dad a sidelong glare, and he looks back at me, nodding, as if to say, “Son, this is from before iPads and shit.”
So I figure ‘whatever.’ I’m giving this lanky beatnik the benefit of the doubt. I mean, this guy has committed his entire life to this material, so it must be some entertaining shit, right? Wrong! This guy’s puppet material is the least relatable thing I’ve seen since Dad introduced me to Henny Youngman.
Maybe I exhibit awareness beyond my years, but I only just learned how to read, and I still need more than a three-word setup, and one-word punchline, Mr. Youngman.
Anyway, back to the puppets: Do you realize how desensitized I am? OK, I am five years old, and I have access to close-up, hidden camera massage parlor pornography, alone in my bedroom. You’re going to have to do better than jangling two limp puppets in front of me like a set of car keys. Oh, they have personalities! Do they? Do they, really? Which one’s the funny one? Which one is more entertaining than electric football?
Now I’m back at home. My parents’ failing marriage has once again stolen the show, and I am back on the iPad. I found a neat 8-hour unboxing video of a product that does not even exist, and is just there to edge me closer and closer to the ultimate dopamine release, which sources tell me is right around the corner.
Watch:
This is the Waiting for Godot of unboxing videos. Surely the dopamine will hit soon.