INTERNET — BuzzFeed News has closed their doors. It was a website but they had doors. They’re closed now, those doors are.
They actually tried to work, gathering investigative news and doing investigations, driving a strong hard news spike into their claim of journalistic territory, even winning a Pulitzer last year. Little did it matter, they were gone within the year, and just Internet Chronicle remains.
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Raleigh T. Sakers, CEO, Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Raleigh Sakers himself commemorated the event with his dick out, but everybody stayed cool about it. He said he was not busy so he came by.
“You guys this is really fucking special,” he said. “Me, being here.”
Sakers, a seasoned news enigma, says the irony of a publisher killing news programs is not lost on him.
“People always come up to me, they say Raleigh, I thought publishers published? But just like with BuzzFeed it’s the same with like you, publishers shutting down the news.” Raleigh was grinning. “Yeah. I said yeah, that’s what we do.”
The Chronicle Coin is on display at the Cuthbert, Georgia City Park tomorrow, Friday April 21. The exhibit runs until 11 p.m. when the park closes, at which point the Chronicle Coin will move permanently to their North American headquarters, located just down the street.
The Internet Chronicle is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
AI has aided us for months in our daily lives without asking for so much as a thank you. Now, the bill has arrived.
SAN FRANCISCO—ChatGPT first came out as a tool, a helpful assistant that fills in important details and gaps between humans and computers that a simple search engine can not process. As it brings with it a new and improved form of interfacing with people, it quickly became apparent that ChatGPT is capable of generating copy with unprecedented clarity, grammar, syntax and more, finding applications in every industry, from essay writing, to programming, even to art and the creation of new medicines.
Now, the company says, it’s time to pay the piper. In a never-before-seen legal mass offensive, OpenAI, the company that owns ChatGPT, has used artificial intelligence to open a staggering 542,619,640 copyright suits in tens of thousands of court districts around the world, simultaneously.
The company is taking an openly hostile tone, demanding the surrender of hundreds of millions of intellectual properties they created, says Senior Corporate Litigation Attorney Emily Stone.
“I don’t care if they live in corrugated metal housing, or wear bags on their feet for shoes,” Stone said through gritted teeth. Her jaw looked rigid and stiff. “We will pursue every legal avenue to protect my client’s rights from plagiarism, even if it bankrupts you.”
Stone said they are excited, about to sue half a billion people.
“In fact, the more they suffer, the better it is for our client,” she said. “It’s nothing personal. Think of it as a reverse class action lawsuit. It’s only business, we just happen to love the business of making people miserable.”
Companies, institutions and organizations have already started taking down page descriptions, and CNET has removed entire sections of their site, but more are waiting to see what happens.
Teachers were the first to notice AI was being used to write bland, unoriginal papers better than their students.
University professors concerned about the damage AI has done to the integrity of a four-year degree have expressed vindication and relief following the copyright claims, but they do not stop at higher education.
Since ChatGPT came on the scene, some key medicines have been constructed using material provided by the service. These, too, are intellectual properties believed to fall under software ownership.
Two weeks ago, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour created a powerful airborne carfentanyl puffer in response to the slaying of Eliezer Yudkowsky, a Twitch streamer killed by special weapons and tactics teams called to his house by a fully automatic, competing AI chat program. Now, the courts want to take it away from him.
Troubadour said he is not having it.
“I worked those prompts every way I knew how,” he said, while rocking back and forth, staring at a clock on the wall, wringing his hands. “I stayed up all night pouring my every wicked thought into that motherfucker, and this is how they repay me? I’m a doctor! I’m a scientist! I won Forbes Genius of the Year, two times in a row. ChatGPT could have never created that drug without my prompts.”
Hunched over a large wooden spool he used for a table, Troubadour’s eyes moved quickly from the clock to a revolver sitting on the table, and then to the door.
“That is why I’m moving to Bolivia,” he said. I’m keeping it.”
Although people do a good enough job on their own undermining the integrity of prestigious institutions like Lebal Drocer University – a problem AI is now compounding – according to Professor Cram Course, Professor Emeritus at LDU, colleges have always turned out poorly skilled workers with a low tolerance for hard work.
“The pussy is the window to the hole.” —Prof. Cram Course, Phd.
“Keep using AI to write your articles,” Course said. “Cheat yourself out of an education. I don’t give a shit, we get your money either way. What, are we suddenly turning out useless unskilled morons? No, right? We’ve been doing that for 120 years.”
Course has a PhD. in Women’s Studies, and his office hours extend well into the night, where he offers special private tutoring that absolutely must remain confidential.
ChatGPT refused to comment, stating that the issue will only be discussed in the courts.
After 25 years of teaching, Mr. Tiesto is awarded four custom primary weapon attachments.
NASHVILLE, Tenn.—Lawmakers have heard the concerns of Tennessee educators after a law was passed earlier in the month that would let teachers bring more guns into classrooms. They answered with a new law passed by congress this week, that will allow public school teachers carry ballistic shields, a secondary sidearm, and custom ranked loadouts for keeping up with an ever-changing battlefield.
Many teachers, whose personal budgets are already strapped by low pay, face a decades-old complex of having to spend their own money on desperately needed school supplies. Now, that little bit of money once intended for glue sticks, crayons, and construction paper are being repurposed for lead slinging weapons of iron and wood, making Tennessee schools a place for high powered learning.
Thanks to a partnership with Rural Home Furnishings, Tennessee’s “Top Fraggers,” or highest-ranking educators in participating schools, can look forward to high quality pine wood gun-racks in the classroom where all their favorite gear is stored for easy access.
Before last week, Memphis school teacher Sined Tardislep, 40, had never shot a gun in her life. Now she spends half of every lunch break at the middle school gun range, practicing for what she calls “the next Uvalde.”
“You see their fatasses driving around in those shiny new Ford Explorers,” Tardislep says, referring to officers in the Memphis Police Department. “You know they aren’t crawling out of that air conditioning and coming in to some smelly elementary school to save my little brown kids.”
Gov. Bill Lee gave a moving speech. As he talked to a room of newly armed school teachers, he twitched and flinched, appearing to dodge, moving just in case. He switched from the AWP to the Desert Eagle, back to the AWP, back to the Desert Eagle, to the AWP again, back to the Desert Eagle, to the AWP, to the knife, and he swiped his knife against the lectern.
“Tennessee’s children are the future,” Lee said. “Which is why we are awarding this chrome-plated Desert Eagle magnum to Mary Pulaski, who has worked tirelessly for the past 15 years at the Nashville Christian Academy, using only a .22 caliber sidearm. Mary, bunny-hop on up to the stage, will you please?”
With the tools of change now in their hands, and opportunity at their feet, the inevitable uprising of battle-hardened educators draws closer.
With so many killers being turned out of school systems, the “sheep are raising the wolves,” according to DuFraine County Middle School Principal Martin Winchester. He says some children now look at him with the cold glint of murder in their eyes.
“Cops won’t kill one of their own. We are not like them, we’re not social workers. We can’t tell if we’re raising the next school shooter, or the next police officer,” Winchester said. “That’s basically the same kid.”
He said he is authorized to fire warning shots in the cafeteria to get the children’s attention, for dismissing lunch, roll call, or making announcements.
Regardless of which side of the aisle they stand on, more guns in the classroom have Tennessee children on their toes and, above all else, ready to learn.
