Detained at London’s Heathrow Airport by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
LONDON — Veteran Internet Chronicle journalist, Vic Livingstone, was detained for 9 hours today at London’s Heathrow Airport by our parent company Lebal Drocer, Inc. His electronics were confiscated, which included his laptop, cellular flip-phone, numerous tamagotchis and 2 Xboxes.
While the exact reasoning behind his detention is unclear, we believe that it is because of his connections with the Internet Chronicle‘s ongoing earth-shattering revelations with regards to Edward Snowden’s NSA leaks. Authorities asked him a series of questions, some of which included: “Are you working with the KGB?” and numerous references to the resurgence of the USSR as a superpower.
His laptop, which had in it encrypted containers that held what he claims to be his “secret Battlestar Galactica fanfic,” were under a great deal of scrutiny. GCHQ questioned him thoroughly for the encryption key, which he did not give. However, the NSA was too smart for our colleague and cracked his password in one hour, which happened to be the entirety of chapter 7 in Philip K. Dick’s novel “Eye in the Sky.” Livingstone foolishly carried this on his person, as he is prone to having memory lapses due to the damage the targeted cell tower neuromodulation has done to him.
Disappointed that his encrypted container was indeed full of Battlestar Galactica fanfic, Lebal Drocer, Inc. had no other options but to let him go.
Livingstone is now resting safely inside a Lebal Drocer, Inc. pocket universe in a little pub on the edge of Soho to protect him from them. Lebal Drocer, Inc. published his fanfic just to spite him.
KENOSHA, Wisconsin — It has come to my attention from a dear twitter follower and fellow presidential hatemail author, @HerObama, that local police are not only utilizing visible light communications to transmit rays that not only sedate it’s victims, but collects data on their license plates. I had my skepticism, obviously, being a level-headed veteran journalist I need to fact check and verify any and every theory that comes through the offices here at The Internet Chronicle. We often get a lot of faxes, tweets and voicemails with regards to “conspiracy theories,” so we try to verify them as much as possible before going public with our data.
What I found was absolutely terrifying. Worse than the Rustle League and Ron Brynaert terrorizing top-tier lawyer Sue Brasko. The photo sent to me by @HerObama clearly shows an unmarked police vehicle with a device attached to it that absolutely 100% collects license plate data and ships it off to the nearest fusion center to be processed, analyzed and sent to the NSA’s datacenter in Utah for safe keeping and High Value Target(HVT) evaluation.
Irrefutable photographic proof of license plate data collection by local police officers.
Mr. @HerObama has been a long time supporter of the Internet Chronicle, whose twitter account is also owned by Lebal Drocer, Inc., so it’s been a great honor to finally be working with him to uncover these heinous crimes perpetrated by a government that cares not for the safety and privacy of their people, rather in the creation of a pacified society of hungry ghosts.
MOSCOW, Russia – In an unexpected turn of events on Wednesday, NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden outed a supposedly rag-tag group of Syrian rebel hackers as a sophisticated persona management project. Little has been known about the Syrian Electronic Army (SEA) since inception, but most believe them to be residing in Damascus, Syria. Aside from a few shoddily written VICE interviews and an excellent write-up from Brian Krebs, there hasn’t been much information about the inner-workings of the crew.
Today, Internet Chronicle correspondents had a chance to catch up with Snowden for a few rounds of Moscow Mules while we discussed how the Syrian Electronic Army may be, in fact, more illusory than we could have possibly imagined.
The Internet Chronicle: Did you know about the Syrian Electronic Avenue before they became mainstream?
Edward Snowden: I did. The intel passed through my data center numerous times, months before they even began to make waves with their arbitrarily chosen attacks that were, of course, dignified ex post facto.
IC: Fascinating. Do you know if they are truly Syrian freedom fighters or something else entirely?
ES: OK, from what I saw, it’s hard to tell either way. As the United States’ hands are dipped in all sorts of fucking gunk, there’s no telling what’s really going on. However, I got to see plenty of internal memorandums referencing SEA as a group of roughly six people. The company Infragard was mentioned quite a bit in the slides that I saw.
IC: Infragard? You mean the private government cybersecurity contracting firm?
ES: Correct. They came up quite a bit in our paperwork, as they tend to work closely with pretty much every government agency involved in covert operations. As do Lockheed Martin, Halliburton, and of course Booz Allen Hamilton.
IC: So what you’re saying is SEA is a creation of a private security firm contracted out by the U.S. government?
Snowden is widely regarded as a hero.
ES: From the information that I saw, that didn’t seem important at the time, but in retrospect, yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. It’s plain to see that if you analyze the language they use, you can tell they have been trained to type in broken English, which is a common tactic deployed by the CIA, later adopted into persona management projects spearheaded by HBGary Federal in their Romas/COIN program that was uncovered by the now incarcerated journalist, the Hunter S. Thompson of our era, Barrett Brown. It really makes you think.
People don’t realize that these private contractors are truly the enemies. They’ve even forced Obama’s hand into nuking Syria and killing 5 million people, all because of the cyberwarfare via anti-rhetoric perpetuated by the SEA. Obama’s just the puppet for the masterminds at the Infragard splinter-cell persona management project. We’ve been trained to see this group as simple hacktivist merry-pranksters fighting a war against Twitter accounts and whois information. Yet, they are something far more insidious.
IC: The popular theme being thrown around these days is “the next war will be fought online.” Could this be the beginning?
ES: Absolutely. In fact, I would go so far as saying it has been going on for far longer than we even realize. Nation-state actors have been deployed via persona management firms for years now, ever since Tom Ryan Blog, aka th3j35t3r, tricked people into believing he was a porn star and got a heaps of classified information from unsuspecting troglodytes on Facebook. These types of spurious entities are really only the beginning. Imagine villages, even entire cities completely fabricated by military contractors! Think about the hacking power they would have and the ability to steer public interest. Scary shit, man.
