Anonymous hackers from UGNazi have infiltrated Geroge R. R. Martin’s personal computer and found a rough draft of the next two installments in the Song of Ice and Fire series made famous by the HBO Game of Thrones Series. I have had the pleasure of reading these manuscripts in full. Spoilers are as follow:
- Jon Snow is actually not the son of Eddard Stark, but rather of Rhaegar Targaryen. He dies at the end of A Dance with Dragons, but then enters a complex state of semi-death just as his uncle Benjen Stark did.
- Jon Snow believes he is in command of the undead Wildlings, and Daenarys believes she is in command of her own dragons.
- Jojen is dead. Bran Stark ate part of Jojen in the paste of Weirwood seeds.
- Stannis becomes the new “Reek” for Ramsay Bolton.
- Bran is actually in control of the hordes of undead Wildlings invading Westeros during the Winter.
- Bran uses the walkers and whites to rain hellish destruction upon the Lannisters and other enemies of the Starks, but is temporarily thwarted by the dragons of Daenarys before taking partial control of those as well.
- Daenarys gains the throne, but only after melting Winterfell into a smoldering ruin.
- Jon dies a second time in a fiery confrontation with Melisandre.
- Patchface uses powers granted to him by the Drowned God to help Arya find the Red Priests.
- Arya answers the prayers of Westeros, which call for the death of all the Red Priests. Her newly gained powers from the cult of the Many Faced God penetrates their glammers, and she sees each Red Priest as a hideous monster. She kills them with Needle, but never reunites with Jon Snow.
- Arya’s mission traumatizes her and she returns to the temple of the Many Faced God and prays for her own death. Her prayers are granted.
- Tyrion falls in love with Penny and marries her, only to reunite with Tysha that very evening.
- Jamie lied to Tyrion, and Tysha really was a whore. “Hands of Gold are always Cold.”
- Jamie is killed by Catelyn’s evil reanimated corpse.
- Cersei commits suicide by throwing herself into an angry mob.
- All the pivotal characters then die in a single bloody battle. Some are revived by magic and the rest of the deaths are just lies spread by Varys.
- Tyrion stabs Varys to death.
- Eddard is also revived as a warrior skeleton and reunites with evil zombie Catelyn.
- Eddard and Catelyn have another marriage, at which Jamie is revived just so Eddard can kill him to drink his blood.
- Theon marries Asha and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
- Sansa marries Petyr Baelish and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
- Victarion returns from Valyria, also marries Asha, and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
- Victarion is revived, marries Daenarys, and Jon Snow east his face off at the wedding.
- Oberyn Martell is revived and marries Daenarys. Jon Snow eats Oberyn’s face off at the wedding.
- Barristan Selmey is revived and marries Daenarys. Jon Snow eats Barristan’s face off at the wedding.
- Daenarys figures out the pattern and marries Jon Snow. Catelyn and Eddard eat both of their faces off at the wedding.
- The series is not actually over, and there are at least 3 more books planned.
The American gaming male automatically degenerated into an alternating cycle of hardcore gaming and furious, repeated bouts of masturbation Tuesday after Mother Blizzard released her tepid seed into the yawning, fertile womb of jilted fantasy gamers who have already seen enough WoW expansions to make General Patreus reconsider an extensive Iraq strategy.