Category: Entertainment

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Entertainment Obituaries

Anonymous hack reveals Illuminati behind Whitney Houston’s murder

Tina Turner
Whitney Houston

Our close friends within Anonymous infiltrated the e-mail accounts of Illuminati agents several months ago, waiting for the kind of scoop we got this morning. The following is an uncensored excerpt from an Illuminati e-mail which has not been fully disclosed to the public because of its sensitive nature and the extreme discretion Anonymous uses when dealing with Illuminati material.

“The target was intercepted at Tru Hollywood and the poison was administered with very little altercation. The agent was disposed of using the established Jack Ruby method.”

Anonymous generally keeps Illuminati related hacks close to their belt, but found it outrageous that their beloved Whitney Houston – with similar eyebrows to the iconic Guy Fawkes masks – was murdered just for the purpose of distracting people from the massacres the Illuminati are currently directing in Syria.

Our analysts suggest that this is the final straw for the Illuminati. Anonymous will soon be swept away with a single campaign of false flag murders from the Illuminati, posing as angry j35t3r fans and Zetas.

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Entertainment Trolling

Trollspam

The troll leaned forward in his seat, bathed in the flashing light from the flat screen, which dwarfed the windows of his filthy basement apartment. “Get out of my face you fucking piece of nigger faggot shit!” The audio echoed back, a dull screeching heavily clipped and garbled from compression. The troll bristled. “You stupid assholes too poor to afford a god damn microphone?!” Talking shit was the troll’s real game, and getting under someone’s skin was the only way to score points.

The troll used to have a better screen name, [KKK]HateRaper69, but the moderators changed it permanently to Trollspam. Everywhere Trollspam went, the moderators were spammed down with complaints.

“Fuck you niggers! Fuck you all! I hope you all die and you all suck DICK at this stupid child’s game! Get a fuckin’ job!” Trollspam’s electronic vitriol streamed onto the emotionally disconnected masses.

A voice cried back above the din of the endless cyberbattle, where photorealistic soldiers died thousands of repeated deaths over the same small acre of land.

“Trollspam, you’re not allowed to do that, I’m reporting you.”

Trollspam’s eyes flashed, and his face flushed. Trollspam had a natural talent for finding the most fundamental weakness in anyone’s psyche with very scant information.

“You ugly little fat fuck, no one gives a fuck about you! No one will ever love you! What the fuck are you doing alive? Kill yourself!”

Trollspam’s target logged out, and trollspam grinned. A stupid fat little kid was rifling through his parent’s medicine cabinet and eating every pill he could find. He had shown the child the truth, imposed his boundless hatred, and the child would soon die. “All for the better,” thought Trollspam, “only n00bs kill themselves.”

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Entertainment

Secret Gang War Rages as Michael Jackson’s Return Approaches

Conspiracy behind recent rap deaths

HOLLYWOOD – The highest level of gang war – that within Hollywood’s elite rap community – has reached fevered pitch. Rather than fighting on the streets like the poor, these hyper-rich stars have resorted to the dirtiest tactics possible. Queen Latifah infected Akon with a genetically modified strain of fast-moving AIDS after rumors had spread throughout Hollywood that Akon once said Queen Latifah’s booty was bigger than his career. In response, Queen Latifah’s main man, Kanye West, was given a roofie immediately before driving home, leading to his death. At this point, Michael Jackson stepped in to end the war among the opposing factions within his organization. As all Hoaxers agree, there are many clues proving Michael Jackson faked his own death so he could help the hip hop community rebel against the New World Order. Michael Jackson slashed the hell out of Lil Wayne’s face till he died just to set an example for the community.

These rappers appear to be still alive to this very day, as the record company has kept a body double on hand to protect their investments in the musician’s brand. Kanye West is a computer simulation, and Akon’s been replaced by a body double. Lil Wayne’s body double is actually a clone, created at birth and subjected to all the exact same tattoos.

May the great Michael Jackson teach us all how to love one another upon his imminent return. May his return be swift, timely and full of groovy dance beats. In Thriller we trust our futures, Amen.