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Miley Cyrus announces she is pregnant at press conference in Los Angeles

Teen idol and Hanna Montana star, Miley Cyrus, announced today that she is two months pregnant with Australian actor Liam Hemsworth’s child. Cyrus held a special press conference in Los Angeles, taking time to emphasize the importance of safe sex and abstinence for teens. When asked by a reporter if her pregnancy was planned, Cyrus said only, “Me and Liam are happy for this unexpected blessing.”

Miley likely succumbed to her baser instincts after using Salvia Divinorum, a legal drug which is known to cause innocent young women to crave sexual intercourse. Numerous reports of Miley’s prolific Salvia use have surfaced in the past, such as this video of her taking a bong rip.

Miley’s father, Billy Ray Cyrus was not present at his daughter’s press conference, and when questioned about his daughter’s pregnancy via Twitter, Cyrus tweeted the following:

Miley’s shocking announcement comes on the heels of an unprecedented move by health secretary, Kathleen Sibelius, banning over the counter sales of the “morning after pill” to girls under the age of 17. For all the young women out there dealing with rampant Salvia abuse and images of “creampies” fetishized by the media, this news is decidedly terrible.

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The Jester infected the Predator Drones

Everyone knows the easiest way to win an online argument is to link to an article on Wikipedia. Someone upset you? Just link to a general topic that is vaguely related to the topic being debated! No one needs context because a link stands on its own.

Also standing on its own is the pretentious cunt who just hyperlinked you to some fucking cryptanalysis article. He is the pinnacle of insight, as proven by this.

Corporate Raiders – big business capitalists who target pensions. What differentiates that with criminal behavior? just because it’s done through legal avenues?

I found this little grove in the middle of town. Danzig was playing and the men were being shot down. Yeah, I found this flower bed in the middle of town. This good hiding spot. It was incredible.

I could hear the drum pounding, reverberating off of the thin cardboard walls in the cinderblock garage. The Chase candle unleashed a stringent, poisonous fume that filled the garage with intoxicating fumes. Smiling faces promoted communism, stolen with permission from Kroger.

How horrible would it be to fight in a place where you’d need a gas mask? Chemicals and nuclear fallout, sure to infect you with traces of death. Fighting at Kroger.

That’s why th3j35t3r has infected Predator drones. He has been using them to DDoS the Chronicle. He’s a hell of a patriot. He has nothing to hide.

Wall Street Protester Raped by Domino's

That’s why th3j35t3r day by day creates fake Jihad websites just to pretend like he attacked them. He is the best thing An Army of One could insert into a civilian hot zone. His Twitter feed is like a staged episode of Cops – airing every moment, at some time, just to prove a cop can fuck with you any time they want.

There is no hope in tomorrow. No hope in the next day. Pray for nuclear war. According to a polled majority at OKCupid, “it would at least be interesting.”

At least it would be interesting, unlike any article we’ve run in the past five weeks.

The Chronicle.SU sucks and is completely irrelevant. Who writes this shit? It is fucking pointless. Are you guys Communists? Do you even know what that hammer and sickle means?

Instead of attacking you guys, the Jester could be attacking terrorist with predator drones but you fucks [emphasis added] are destroying our vision.

Reading the Chronicle.SU is like taking a shit and then finding blood in your poop and wiping a hemorrhoid encrusted asshole, and just as rewarding. Seriously, this is the worst site in the history of the Internet. Kill yourselves now. Just, go to hell and die, because you’re the last thing left in this world preventing Heaven on Earth. That’s right, Chronicle.ESS YEW is the Red Communist Devil in the asshole of the Internet.

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Trolled off the internet

Editor’s note: The following is a work of fiction and any relationship to real events is purely coincidental.

She sits at her computer late into the night, drinking glass after glass of Pepsi. The keyboard clatters through the otherwise silent house as she desperately attempts to blog up a better future for her six children. No dirty trick is below her. Young and impressionable minds are her favorite prey, and lies are her ammunition. She’s just finished a brilliant piece, dismissing the latest popular protest as a group of Marxist traitors bent on destroying America. In her mind, this opinion has been cleverly disguised as a piece of leftist investigative journalism gently cautioning against the vices of Socialism.

Already, people are disagreeing.  A feed is informing her of any mention she may receive. “Honey, the trolls are at it again. You think you could get on Twitter and defend me for a bit?” she shouts from her filthy nest, which is strewn with empty Pepsi bottles and unwashed dishes. Begrudgingly, he pulls himself away from the television and finishes his beer. After firing off a few tweets in defense of his wife, he attempts to get her attention. But she’s staring into the monitor as if in a trance, clicking away at random.

So he gets his wife’s attention by smacking her in the back of the head. “It’s getting late. I’m too old for this stupid bullshit,” he complains.

There is a short silence before she sneers, “and what, let these motherfucking cunt teenagers continue to expose our lies?” And her tone sharpens, “Get some fucking beauty sleep you haggard old piece of shit.”

This time, he smacks her for effect. She sobs.

“I’m sorry, it’s just these fucking trolls. They keep calling me a liar and making fun of my shit. I just need you there,” she sniffles, “to defend me.” She looks up at him with her eyes wide and a face covered in tears. The couple embraces, and they passionately kiss. This romantic scene has played itself out hundreds of times.

Abruptly, she pulls away from her husband and eyes the computer monitor behind him. She shrieks, waking three of her six children. She regains her composure immediately, and commands, “Go get the kids settled back in, I’ll take care of this troll.”

Shaking and nearly in tears, the three children have huddled outside the computer room in a late night scene that has become all too commonplace since their mother began blogging. “Your mother is alright, let’s all get back in bed so we can be ready for school in the morning,” their father says in his most reassuring tone.

“But daddy I’m afraid, is it the bad people – the Marxists – come for us again?” Each child shivers at these words and their father stiffens.

“No. But they will come for you if you don’t go to bed NOW,” and the threat is enough to frighten the children into compliance.

“Thanks, honey,” says the wife from the next room.

She pulls herself from the computer sometime in the early morning and prepares lunch for her children. In each bag, she places a note expressing her motherly love. Finally, she can rest.

The sound of the computer fan across the house draws her from sleep in the late morning. Without brushing her teeth, dressing, or getting a bite to eat, she heads for the computer to check her blog for comments. But it doesn’t load. She spends two hours reloading her blog with no change in results. Something in her brain is shaking loose as she refuses to understand what is happening. She emits a low-pitched moan and it grows in volume. The pitch climbs rapidly. She falls out of her computer chair and her face reddens. She claws at her breasts and her eyes widen with a sudden realization. Her rasping voice proclaims with surety, “It was the JEWS! I knew they couldn’t handle the truth. I knew those Marxists would come for me!” Still laying on the floor, she blindly gropes for the telephone so she can call her husband home from work for the third time this month.

In reality, the young people this woman has been fooling have grown militant. They have seen through her latest blog post because it was too transparent. She has greatly overestimated her ability to dissemble and the house of cards has already fallen. She lifts the computer monitor and throws it through the window, letting out another rage-filled screech. She carves a swastika into her forehead with a shard of broken glass, which calms her down – for now.

When the children get home from school, she is still in her pajamas and breathing heavily. Blood is streaming down her face. Her husband stands by, nodding sternly as she speaks through her teeth. “Everyone sit down and shut up while I talk. This is IMPORTANT!” The speech that follows is so heavily laden with curse words and xenophobic racism that it is unnecessary to repeat here. By the end of the rant, the children are all holding back tears and sure that the Marxists and Jews will raid their home at any moment.

“Why do you always scare us like this, mommy?” asks her oldest child, who is almost 14. She closes on him, face contorted with pure rage.

“You DARE talk to ME like that?! You want to be a little troll? You’ll see what happens to trolls in THIS HOUSE! Go to your room! Your father will take care of your shitty little attitude.”

The sounds of a belt smacking bare flesh resound through the house. Her mood settles. She leaves the cowering children for her husband’s computer. Now is time to declare victory. She is beginning to think that being attacked like this proves how important she is. When she signs onto her Twitter account, she finds her inbox full of new messages. “Good,” she thinks, “supporters coming to my aid!” But they are not. Contributors to her blog are outraged at the statements she has made. They no longer wish to be associated with her. Message after message, her blood pressure rises. Involuntarily, she crosses the room to the unlocked gun cabinet and retrieves a loaded revolver, plated with chrome. She holds it up for careful inspection and cocks it so she can give the barrel a nice whirl. Her finger is putting light pressure on the trigger when she collapses against the wall. She is breathing heavily and holding the cold steel against her cheek, smearing blood across the polished metal. She closes her eyes and runs her tongue along the barrel. It feels so nice. The blood tastes so good.