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Sega Dreamcast is the Best Gaming Console of All Time – OF ALL TIME!

The Sega Dreamcast is hailed by legions as the best videogame system ever created. Gaming fans new and old revered Sega’s final foray into the competitive market of console gaming as their greatest achievement yet. The Dreamcast was more than just a gaming console – it represented a defiant protest of century-old Nintendo, a last stand against the staying power of Sony, and stood out as the ideological opposite of the soulless, ball-less piece of three-headed Hydra shit Microsoft calls an Xbox.

The Sega Dreamcast had the best repertoire of first- and third-party games of any console, the first mainstream integration of online play, and clear, beautiful graphics. Many games boasted 60 frames per second (FPS), making racing games and shooters like Unreal Tournament very exciting, and leading many to wonder, “Wait how many FPS was it before?”

Dreamcast even had a web browser (with an upgraded 2.0 version!) so young children, who didn’t yet know how to delete their browser histories, could safely download pornography without fear of parental retribution – right on their very own standard-definition TVs!

Behold, The Legendary Sega Dreamcast

Sega Dreamcast

To the average mouth breathing redditor, this looks like your average videogame console with a sexy Dreamcast logo on it. But what would you know? Part of the Dreamcast’s charm is in its subtlety. The Dreamcast had a little orange light that, when the system powered on, glowed bright orange and inspired the original design scheme used by the mysterious and fabled Elf Wax Times publication which – according to legend – reigned supreme for a better part of the previous decade. But who knows for sure? The system advances through several stages of power until its fans kick on and Phantasy Star Online bounces to life. Oh yeah, but if your VMU battery is dead, the VMU screen will appear faded, and Dreamcast itself will scream at you by emitting a long, ear-piercing tone from a tiny speaker built into the console. This is a gentle reminder to change your VMU battery. The tone gets longer based on how dead the battery is. You change it because you do as you’re told, and you don’t want to hear that noise anymore. Sega thought of everything!

What’s a VMU battery?

Upon closer inspection, the most observant of retards may notice there is a tiny screen on board the Dreamcast controller, which was revolutionary at the time. Dreamcast controllers also feature two analog triggers that fit nicely in the hands, like dual-wielded pistols with clitorises for triggers. Useful as a heads up display, the removable memory device known as a VMU (Visual Memory Unit) powers the tiny screen, which changed to fit whatever needs game developers chose for it. Oftentimes it displayed ammunition data, hit points or even jokes and small bits of game lore. Admittedly, it sounds kind of gimmicky. Fortunately, there’s more to it than that. You could download games onto that bitch, straight off your Dreamcast game discs, then jerk it out and play it like a fucking GameBoy. No shit. Look:

VMUSega just didn’t give a fuck. In the game Sonic Adventure, you collected Chao eggs. You can load eggs – or a hatched chao – into your VMU and then when you go to school, or work – where you no doubt suffer as a result of being apart from the Dreamcast – you can play Chao Adventure on the VMU, leveling your Chao’s stats to make him stronger for when you load him back into Sonic Adventure. Now that’s metagaming!

PowerStone contained three games available for download. There were fighting games, gun games and puzzles. There are a bunch more but that’s all I can remember off the top of my head. As a kid, I worked for my own videogame (and weed) money, so I didn’t have every game. Sorry, cunt.

If the VMU had anything going against it, it was the watch battery in the back that’s always dying, trying to meet the demands of all the awesomeness inside our VMU. When you needed a new one, you had to walk up to some sad person at Wal-Mart who acted like he was doing you this unspoken favor of constantly supplying you with these flat, quarter-sized watch batteries. It’s not opium, Rajiv. It’s just a fucking battery. I don’t remember what they cost.

Probably the coolest thing about the Dreamcast was just owning a god damn Dreamcast.

Tell you what, that’s the end of this game review, and there’s no looking back now. Now fire up your Dreamcasts and put on Slave Zero.

Masturbate, don’t procreate.

 

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Entertainment

Which TV doctor is next to be accused? Our celebrity sexual misconduct predictions for 2019

LAS VEGAS — Bookies have announced they are taking bets to see which fake TV doctor personality takes home celebrity sex offender gold in 2019. Three suspicious men surfaced with apparently clean records. We’ll unpack each nightmare together, and you’ll be ready to place your bets.

“But there are stories.”

Lurking behind the desperate eyes of Hollywood doctors are untold horrors of TV malpractice. Who will go down first? Here’s a breakdown of the three most influencial TV doctors on the air today.

Dr. Oz?

“America’s Doctor” is a straight-shooting, plain-talking, mass media medicine man. And he loves a good revolutionary, miracle breakthrough.

But sometimes Dr. Oz asks for more detail than necessary.

Oz made neoliberalism fun again. Getting medical advice should feel a little bit like a game show, and a little like a multilevel marketing infomercial.

“I have not seen a doctor in 9 years. Dr. Oz is the only one I trust,” says Corey Feldman, from a weird place.

Doc Oz, with a career that pays him in mansions and blowjobs, is ripe for a sex abuse scandal because of the decadence of his lifestyle, and because of the amount he is worth if someone can score a hit on the end of his undoubtedly magnificent rod.

How rich is Dr. Oz?

“Cancer is our Angelina Jolie,” Oz said. “We could sell that shit every day.”

Dr. Feel?

Dr. Phil and his show staff have been accused of providing drugs and alcohol to guests with addiction issues before they would come on his show.

And then breathalyze them on national TV!

What else did Dr. Phil make them do while they were drunk?

“You could start a football team from Dr. Phil victims,” says Chloe, our psychic TV medium. “Touch football.”

Dr. Armstrong H. Troudabor?

What might normally constitute a paralyzing blow to an ordinary doctor’s career is unlikely to move Dr. Troubadour, who has been implicated in peer review scandals, child army camps, death hoaxes and even once made pills from the ground up remains of aborted Chinese fetal tissue.

Not only is Troubadour unlikely to be toppled by sex abuse scandal, he penned the guide on How to Treat a Lady.

But rumors are bubbling him up to our #3 pick for 2019 celebrity abuser of the year. Don’t let his bronze position on the podium fool you: Dr. Troubadour probably did some pretty, pretty bad stuff to get here, and it could just as easily be him in the end.

Because if he experiments in the workplace like he experiments in the lab, Troubadour is in hot water.

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Entertainment

Andy Dick suffers #MeToo moment of his own after sexual assault from predator comic Doug Stanhope

MeToo meltdown of the decade? Andy Dick gets a “taste” of his own medicine

Nightclub comic Doug Stanhope was accused by colleagues Tuesday of sexually assaulting fellow comedian Andy Dick – a former contestant on Dancing With the Stars and host of I love the 80s – at a late night gala after Andy refused numerous sexual advances.

Whistleblower

Brett Erickson

Doug’s former friend and opening act Brett Erickson told his Twitter following that Doug – after reading salacious rumors of Andy’s exploitable drug habits, questionable morals, and sexual promiscuity – invited Andy to his hotel room around three am one morning in November. Andy declined. The following night, Stanhope was spotted assaulting Andy in front of friends and coworkers (pictured below).

Andy Dick's stiff right hand and unnatural pose express discomfort as Doug Stanhope forces himself on the comic. Comedian Anthony Jeselnik (right) looks on, doing nothing. (Photo credit: Brett Erickson)
Andy Dick’s stiff right hand and unnatural pose express discomfort as Doug Stanhope forces himself on the troubled comic. Comedian Anthony Jeselnik (right) looks on, doing nothing. (Photo credit: Brett Erickson)

City Attorney’s spokesman John Money says misdemeanor sexual battery and battery charges were filed Wednesday. Stanhope, 51, is scheduled to be arraigned on July 18.

Money said Stanhope groped Andy Dick sometime in November 2017, forcibly kissed him, and used Andy’s hand to manually stimulate himself.

Stanhope, who once had a bright, promising career in show business as co-host of the Man Show, has spent his 50s slogging about the world telling rape jokes to degenerates in dark comedy clubs. He was spotted last April at Ground Zero, for instance, in Spartanburg, South Carolina, sucking around with Brett Erickson and an accomplice they called “Chaley.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer, Professor Emeritus of Social Sciences at Lebal Drocer University in Southern California and former stagehand to Dick, said he’s seen performers “go for alpha” by upstaging, abusing, and ridiculing the bisexual comic before adoring audiences. He said some comics take this behavior too far, going so far as to try to outdo Andy in every way, even if that means engaging in a set of behaviors intended to topple Andy’s top-sex-predator-status and claim it as their own.

A case of upstaging gone too far

“No doubt Doug wanted to get his stinger wet,” Troubadour said. “And he wanted to win the approval of his peers at the World Famous Comedy Store in LA. Who doesn’t? But he took it too far, forcing himself on Andy. I mean my god, Andy was abused as a child, some 40 years ago. He’s already been through so much. That’s why he groped that girl in April.”

Stanhope’s representatives have not responded to calls for comment, and may not actually exist.