axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

Was Robin Williams murdered by the Illuminati?

Robin Williams was murdered by the Illuminati, and vague cover-up stories of his "suicide" in the mainstream media have fooled the sheeple.
Robin Williams was murdered by the Illuminati, and vague cover-up stories of his “suicide” in the mainstream media have fooled the sheeple.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the death of Robin Williams, famed comedian who popularized rainbow suspenders in the 80’s with his spunky alien television character, Mork. However, newspapers around the world report this smiling and funny man committed suicide by asphyxiation without making any serious attempt at explaining how or why. In what appears to be yet another clear case of celebrity homicide by the Illuminati, such vague and general explanations by the media have been swallowed hook, line, and sinker by the gullible sleeping masses.

Robin Williams was beloved by billions, and his movies brought joy and compassion into the hearts of adults and children everywhere. It is rare that such a passionate man could make it very far in the movie industry without selling his soul to the devil and succumbing to Illuminati influence, and perhaps there was a building tension in his life between his compassionate side and the hateful necessity of Illuminati membership. Perhaps this tension tore Robin Williams apart and he did commit suicide, or more likely, perhaps he decided to leave the Illuminati once and for all and was quickly eliminated by an assassination squad that made his death look like a suicide.

In Robin Williams’ classic movie Hook, the grown Peter Pan returns to Never Never Land — Michael Jackson, being the greatest opponent of the Illuminati in our generation also used this imagery for his Illuminati refuge — where he again learned to fly, although it was supposed to be impossible for an adult. As it is said in the bible, only those with the heart of a child may enter the kingdom of heaven. Did Williams decode his own movie and try to learn to fly, to return to Never Never Land, where the Illuminati’s powers are reduced and regressed back to that of Captain Hook, from the early modern period? Almost surely, yes, but this time, he didn’t make it through to the end. Hook won, and Robin Williams was murdered by the Illuminati.

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

Murdoch Sets Sights on Internet Chronicle

Rupert Murdoch looking evil as fuckAs chronicle.su strikes up lucrative new advertising deals, rumors suggest Australian media mogul Rupert Murdoch is closing a deal of his own with Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Business analysts predict the transaction could transfer majority control of The Internet Chronicle to News Corp, Murdoch’s multi-national, benevolent corporation.

Longtime Chronicle editors Kilgoar Trout and Hatesec reportedly met with Murdoch on his yacht Monday morning off the coast of Tripoli. The editors are in Libya on an embed with the US Defense Department to document the extraordinary success of the 2011 NATO humanitarian bombing campaign.

After stepping off the yacht, Kilgoar and Hatesec apparently held an impromptu press conference for a bunch of fishermen and dock workers. Speaking in broken Arabic, Hatesec reportedly told the workers that they “would not be taking questions at this time” and to “call our lawyers, you fucking mutts.” The fishermen merely shrugged and sailed off into the Mediterranean.

Rupert Murdoch swoons Kilgoar (left) and Hatesec (right)

Empires are vast. This move fits in with Murdoch’s recent consolidation of influential media outlets across the political spectrum. After acquiring VICE, Murdoch set his sights towards other alternative news outlets, in search of the next big thing to contaminate.

An aide to Murdoch, speaking on condition of anonymity, said he came across the Chronicle one night while searching for kiddie porn on the Deep Web. After perusing its contents, his hard-on became stiff as a cricket bat, especially after reading Kilgoar’s Pulitzer Prize winning report on Mel Gibson’s joining Rage Against the Machine.

“Rupert likes honest reporting. He is committed to integrity and truth telling in the newsroom,” the aide said. “So naturally he wants to acquire the Chronicle.”

While Murdoch’s influence is often subtle and benign on his media outlets, it is possible that he will censor the editorial duo at the Chronicle, both of whom are hardline Democrats.

Dr. Angstrum H. Trubidur, a professor of media studies on sabbatical in Benghazi, said of the move, “Hell, them boys Kilgoar and Hatesec? Yeah they don’t know who they’re dealing with. What, they think they are still gonna be able to print hard news? Le’me tell ye, they’ll be going the VICE route before long: glittery, vapid, meaningless reporting while the truth is left on the cutting room floor.”

In a company-wide e-mail sent by Kilgoar right before publication, he assured the staff that their wages and benefits would not be affected if any merger were to happen. Reporters at the Chronicle were relieved as, unlike VICE, the Chronicle is known for paying livable wages to its staff and showering benefits upon even the most meager of its contributors.

When asked to comment on the proposed merger, Hatesec replied via e-mail, “Go fuck yourself.”

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
News

New America Municipal Internet Provider defies NSA

New America's inhabitants are all inside, on the incredible paranoia-free Internet
New America’s inhabitants are all inside, on the incredible paranoia-free Internet

New America, NM — Citizens in small New Mexico town of New America are taking on both the NSA and corporate data-collectors in a big way with local policies.

New America Mayor Patrick Durndle told the Internet Chronicle, “We’ve adopted our own more patriotic additions to the Bill of Rights for citizens of New America.” Although he admits they do not have any force outside of New American courthouses, he says, “Our municipal internet is implemented with sophisticated cryptography and there’s no fast lane allowed, no mass hoovering of your data. But we believe in the free market! If you want to opt-in and allow marketers to collect your data, you will get a check in the mail.”

New America’s local Bill of Rights states:

  1. Any human beings’ intentional and unintentional creations and metadata are the natural property of that human being and not that of the state or any other enterprise
  2. All human beings are entitled to the right to be forgotten on the Internet
  3. All human beings are entitled to the reasonable expectation of ephemeral privacy, that is, existence outside of coerced eternity in mass data storage.

Democracy Now!, The Real News Network, and other provocative journalism outlets have already put offices and computer servers in New America, applauding its local Bill of Rights on air. Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! told viewers,”The NSA will have real trouble using most of their tools to snoop on our municipal internet, that’s how tight we’ve got the cryptography set up. Our sources can feel extraordinarily safe when communicating with us, and their lives are always on the line. The local Bill of Rights promises to never store or release our personal and professional information without court order and a notification of mass-storage style surveillance.”

Alex Jones, fringe radio anchor, also moved his headquarters to New America and told listeners, “Businesses are flooding into town for the safe internet. Bitcoin bankers, especially, are installing servers in a big way. This is it folks, Bitcoin has a safe zone, a data haven. Freedom has a hold, folks. We’re finally winning. We’ve been looking for this pinhole of light in dark times for decades. I’ve heard that there are these guys, dataheads, hanging around making all their living just by surfing the free local internet. Free Market Free Internet, Rare earth deep earth ionic silver crystals. There’s no need for welfare anymore, it’s all free market. Anyone who doesn’t think New America is the best place for investment opportunities on the entire globe should be killed. That’s how good the economy here is.”