Category: News

INTERNET — The new FaceFuck porn app allows you to link your Facebook friends into a database of lookalike pornstars and stream from a database of over ten million videos for $2.99 a month. FaceFuck chief executive Peter L. Hayman explained the process excitedly, saying, “We’ve known for a long time that we’re sitting on a goldmine of nearly infinite porn, but there’s never been a good way to find just what your dick needs except by luck or hours of study. That type of browsing is totally obsolete with FaceFuck, where finding just the right porn stars for your fantasies is as easy as surfing Facebook. Once you install FaceFuck, all you need to do is click on that special someone who’s got you horny and FaceFuck will take you straight to a plethora of lookalikes in every position you could imagine.”

Mark Zuckerborg, founder and creator of Facebook, threatened to sue Peter L. Hayman, saying, “Facebook has always been a family-oriented operation and Peter Hayman’s earned himself a lifetime ban.”

Popular feminist voices issued stern warnings that FaceFuck would encourage the male gaze and, in the words of Lauralie Penny, “Deepen rape culture to levels which will trigger historic dialectical forces which necessitate a violent revolution for women’s rights.” She quickly deleted the tweet, but not before trolls took to the previously ironic #killallmen hashtag and issued their disgust at such oppressive and silencing speech that made them fear for their very right to exist.

INTERNET — Alex Jones disappeared Saturday, leaving friends and family wondering if secret globalist police forces have finally silenced the man who knew too much.

Geopolitical expert and analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “I think this is the last we’ve heard from Alex Jones. No one was able to speak the truth like Alex Jones, and it’s amazing that he was able to operate for so long without being silenced. But as his audience has grown, supplanting the mainstream media and influencing more people than any political show in the US, the globalists have grown anxious and the pressure is on. Whether they killed him or he escaped, he won’t be back. And if he is, it won’t be him. It will be a puppet replacement controlled by globalists. This is the canary in the coalmine, the first attack that will usher in mass genocide that has been in the works for decades.”

The global elites dropped a few hints in mainstream reporting about the fate of Alex Jones, but otherwise totally blacked out reporting on his disappearance. Meanwhile, signs of oncoming cataclysmic world war and genocide on an unimaginable scale are mounting. Ebola outbreaks rage across Africa, airplanes of civilians are being shot down over Ukraine, and rockets are landing all over Israel leaving thousands dead each day. In America, tens of thousands of warrior children hired by Latin American drug cartels are being let across the borders by Obama, and in just a few years they will mature to finish off the culture war once and for all.

Some Alex Jones listeners held vigils and dared to hope that Jones slipped the noose and escaped to an unknown safe haven. At one vigil, Clay Henderson held his clenched fist in the air and sang lines from a Willie Nelson song which confesses and laments the globalist extermination plan that is finally unraveling, “Ring around the rosy, pocket full of posy. Ashes to ashes, we all fall down.”