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Tired of snake oil? This new product is for you

Ascend to Super Saiyan Level 23 with Troubador Laboratory's new line of gold infusing ascension products
Ascend to Super Saiyan Level 23 with Troubador Laboratory’s new line of gold infusing ascension products

Troubador Labs, LEBAL DROCER — Have you been feeling down about the all-encompassing conspiracy of the government to suppress the truth about 9/11, UFOs, and bigfoot? We haven’t. That’s because our new food supply investment plan allows you to stash your precious metals where they’re safest: Deep inside your body’s fat reserves. Troubador Labs invented a line of medicinal herbs and gold infused foods which will not only keep your investments in the safest place possible, your body, but also double the average life expectancy of long-term subscribers.

The government doesn’t want you to know about this groundbreaking product which threatens to put their entire hospital system out of business.

The New World Order is coming for your off-the-grid homestead, and when the extermination nukes rain down upon the heartland, you’ll need that gold.

Kony will only continue to drop bloated, purple ebola-infected children from his armada of private jets. The Gold coursing through your veins will ward off potential bioterror attacks as well as the constant weather modifying chemtrail dustings that make it hard just to look in the face of your sheeple neighbors.

Hackers will be unable to penetrate your golden aura, which scrambles and projects your randomized brain signals, effectively shielding you permanently with the world’s most powerful all-natural cryptography field.

Are you tired of advertisements filling up your head and wasting your time? Gold-based eyewash and gold inner-ear penetrating oils will sharpen your senses and block out unwanted input. Finally, you can be your own person and follow true libertarian ideas and exist in a world where New World Order Globalist propaganda cannot even reach your mind.

Worms and maggots may be eating your brain a little piece at a time, but a potent combination of gold and ozonated cyanoacrylate will cleanse your brain of all potential parasites when insufflated and used in combination with other Troubador Labs gold products.

The Golden Food diet supplement and precious metal investment plan means you’re backed by something real. But if you want to make sure you are storing as much gold in your body as possible, Lebal Drocer’s line of Gold vaporizers and Gold skin cream will put you over the top. Be a Golden Libertarian God. You are what you eat.

Now accepting Bitcoins, dogecoins, and for a limited time only, OsamaCoins. Gold will always be worth something, but computer will all be gone in a matter of months, people.

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Sheikh Umar Khan was 'targeted' and exposed to Ebola

Intentional Exposure: Dr. Sheikh Umar Khan was murdered while fighting Western efforts to spread the deadly ebola virus through Sierra Leone.
Intentional Exposure: Dr. Sheikh Umar Khan was murdered while fighting Western efforts to spread the deadly ebola virus through Sierra Leone.

Sierra Leone – Ebola is being used as a bio-weapon against dissidents in Western Africa who oppose Western influence, investigators report. New evidence even suggests many of the dead were connected to environmental movements in connection with an ongoing social revolution in the area.

“This is a disaster by design,” an investigator said, who asked to remain anonymous. “It’s really sad to see innocent victims dying for profit. But I should point out that we are used to it, because this is West Africa. Dr. Shiekh Umar Khan was targeted for assassination.”

“The police are watching me type this right now,” he said in an email. “There is literally nothing I can say to you they haven’t already read. By virtue of the fact I am not dead right now, the material has been vetted and approved for your consumption,” he stated. “Because we are safe to discuss NSA leaks, there are even scarier things happen that nobody is talking about. Khan’s assassins were clever to expose him to the very disease he was working to prevent. They arranged this ‘accident.'”

Chronicle staff is receiving up-to-the-minute investigative reports from inside Liberia that many victims of the “ebola virus” were organizing anti-corporate demonstrations. Radical community organizers against West African deforestation turned up dead after being exposed to the virus, although the source of the outbreak can not be identified. Two Americans exposed to the virus are being deported to the mainland so effects of the virus can be studied.

Our source warned that any person tangentially connected to anti-government and anti-corporate activity, conversations and rhetoric are subject to intentional ebola exposure by ‘unknown persons.’

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Buy rare earth crystal-enhanced Lebal Drocer brand Coffee today and improve your health by improving our profits. Each membership to the Chronicle Coffee Club is good for a month’s supply of coffee, a “bowlpack” of 10x salvia divinorum (void where prohibited) and hardcore information about what’s really going on in this country. It keeps the lights on here at Chronicle headquarters as well as promoting truth and well-being.

This isn’t a game.” – Raleigh T. Sakers

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, an investigator with the South African chapter of the World Health Organization, said the battle between the US and China to transform Africa into tomorrow’s sweatshop has turned the region into a proxy warzone, a diseased hellstate.

“The whole point of asymmetrical warfare is to defeat your enemy from within,” Troubadour said. “If asymmetrical warfare is going to be successful, then first you must compromise the country’s defenses against invasion.”

Troubadour said the government is targeting infrastructure, starting with hospital workers who could have prevented the disease from growing into a pandemic.

“They’re after hospitals, schools, our electric grid, our power supplies – our water supply,” Troubadour said. “They have to affect the degeneration from inside each African state. Khan’s death is just one example of many. Dead civilians create a backdrop of reality, giving you the sense that this is really happening.”

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Does Roanoke have to have a Bleak Future?

By 2060, computer models show Blacksburg larger than Roanoke. The stagnation in Roanoke's growth will leave it nestled right between the "Charlanta" drag and the triangular shaped "Bostyorkicago," making its verdant areas a yearly tourist hellscape.
By 2060, computer models show Blacksburg larger than Roanoke. Staunton will likely surpass Roanoke’s size by 2070. The stagnation in Roanoke’s growth will leave it nestled right between the “Charlanta” drag and the triangular shaped urban sprawl over the midwest and the northeast. Roanoke’s verdant areas will be a yearly tourist hellscape.

Roanoke — The New Silicon Valley?

Nestled in the Blue Ridge is a defunct railroad boomtown where Philadelphia businessmen set up a factory to build steam locomotives. When no one used steam locomotives anymore, Roanoke kept on chugging, living out its servile company-town attitude, building steam trains longer than any other manufacturer in the US. Now Roanoke is best described as a suburban breedery for fresh white teens to be extruded into a college and sent to a real city.

In Wagon Wheel, Old Crow Medicine Show’s adaptation of a fragment of a song Bob Dylan only sang once in an afterparty bootleg tape, Roanoke is a sleepy place where truckers stop to toke up, “Walkin’ to the south out of Roanoke / I caught a trucker out of Philly, had a nice long toke.” And Roanoke is a good place for that, but millions of dollars in tax money have been squandered on the Sydney Opera House wannabe art museum and the Explore Park, a fake town from the past that is once more haunted by hyperreal ghosts, phantasmagoric projections endlessly demonstrating blacksmithing and threshing wheat for the tourists who never came. Of course decriminalizing marijuana could increase tourism and tax revenues in one easy move, but that’d bring in the wrong element. But why not? The kids are already hitchhiking into Roanoke just to toke up with truckers because of that top 40 pop hit.

Today, Roanoke serves as a distribution center for auto parts, but its future in this business is as bleak as the vaguely sick-looking healthcare towers appearing around Riverside Park. Like so many other sickly cities, urban life has concentrated itself in a gussied-up market square where local news stations let anonymous business owners wring their nervous hands around the necks of the homeless who wreck the Disneyland vibe.

But Roanoke could revive its urban center in a meaningful way, maybe through promoting internet infrastructure that would bring fiber optics not only to businesses, but to homes. In Chattanooga, this was done as a municipal project, which is important because data is not simply a service, but it is also a valuable commodity. By holding the keys to all of Roanoke’s fiber optic data, a municipal system could sell this valuable data on the market and potentially lessen the cost of maintenance or even turn a profit. Proactive steps to ensure the privacy and civil rights of the citizenry in the implementation of such a system could potentially set this municipal internet apart from anywhere in the world, making the transaction of business safer and more desirable in Roanoke while bringing in all kinds of jobs just to lay the fiber and keep the lights flashing. Internet that’s quick, reliable, and secure should be thought of as essential infrastructure for the health and growth of a city, and if one plumbs the history of the earliest days of Roanoke things like streets, sewers, prisons, police, and firefighters were “left to the free market” (totally ignored) with disastrous and sickly results. This foresight in the construction of infrastructure would be a strong break from tradition in a city that embodies the corporate mentality and looks at any expenditure of tax money as a burden on business (while they line each others’ pockets with ludicrous projects; there were gas-powered street lights before there were streets).

Norfolk and Western used Roanoke as a site for their factory because they were given ten years without taxes by the local tobacco farmers. It wasn’t an ideal spot for habitation considering the salt-encrusted swamp, the “Big Lick.” There were no workers hanging around to man the factories — they came in on the rails for the jobs. In some ways it was a disgusting exploitation and the laughingstock of the state, but in others it was a brave experiment and unlike anywhere else. Jobs and a city were created, but it was for a single purpose: steam trains, metaphor of obsolescence. Can Roanoke find a new purpose?