Category: News

INTERNET — Metamodernism is an ism. Ism’s are important, as they help us define our daily behaviors, creations and artistic expressions. Yep, they’re importante. Why though, you don’t ask? Well, I’ll tell you: we have a need to classify and quantify our emotions and creative endeavors into a ‘sandbox’. This ‘sandbox’ can be escaped, yet we have to forget all notions of ism’s. Lofty feat, most say.

Esteemed colleague and fellow Internet Chronicle writer espouses his theory of  ism’s to me via Google Chats. I’m too lazy to post the whole log because I’m prescribing to a certain ism at the moment, but essentially his basic viewpoint was “Make something, call it art, label it a part of an ism, nice shiny business suit” — fuck, sorry Kilgoar, I totally botched that quote, but hey man, great coat-jacket.

Screen left – Enter psychedelia – Yes hello, psychedelics here, we’ve heard of your oscillations and we’d like to confirm and deny your general thesis. Although, Shia Labeouf is right on the money… fuck I love money… anyway, ONWARD!

We want to know metamoderinism. I need it in my life, much like I need the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. I do believe they are one in the same. The oscillations of metamoderinism are simply vibrations, which is a theory as old as some fucking philosopher. We vibrate at a certain frequency, this is true. Some call it the “Vibration of Life”, those people are faggots and are most definitely Phish fans. This metamodern oscillation theory, however, produces many a stout question we must ask ourselves: “Are we truly this awesome?”

The answer is still yet to be determined, but after consulting Internet experts at the archive.org’s way-back machine pages of the fark message board, we can only begin to grasp the origins of metamodernist culture. Within these hallowed halls of truly lulzy past, reveal a dark underbelly — if not an intentional plot– to thrust the metmodernist meme upon a youth already devoid of post-modernism, a scene without a label… perhaps better left that way.

NAY! There’s no time for pussy-footin’ round these times when it comes to art! Qualify and quantify, stick it in your local sink-hole of a DYI venue and make sure to make fliers — pamphlets even — because that worked before, but this will work better[reasons]. As fledgling psych, philosophy and English makers we had to take it a step further to truly understand the chaos, the oscillations, the correction of errors due.

This time around, we got’em, boss… we got’em.

We took acid that night.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eflp-9aZMxk]

You know what, I have my life and you have yours, don’t fucking tread on me, ok mom?

INTERNET — Ukrainian fascists and their newly conscripted military marched on Russia Friday, taking both Moscow and St. Petersburg in an overnight “blitzkrieg” mobile infantry offensive. Millions are dead after preliminary warning nukes were detonated in low population density areas in the United States, Europe, Central Asia, Australia, and Siberia.

The American’s Nazi puppets in Kiev were aided by plausibly deniable drone strikes, but Putin, who has disappeared, threatened to level Kiev with “as many nuclear strikes as it might take,” and appeared shirtless, in front of a slowly waving a Soviet flag.

The UN has suggested citizens of the world dig themselves a “nuclear proof” foxhole at least ten feet underground and flee in the event of a detonation. The holes do not provide any protection unless citizens are deep within at the moment of detonation.

Climatologist Dr. Angsthrum H. Truebador said, “If we weren’t doomed to a slow population decline from carbon emissions, well now it looks like it will be a severe and possibly fatal crash. The few who survive will have scant memory of humanities’ great technological achievements. Thank God.”

TERRYVILLE — The Terryville police finally got a chance to wheel out their mobile command unit and armored personnel carriers as downtown Terryville panicked when a suspicious plastic bag was left in the middle of main street by an unknown cowled man with a forked beard. The suspicious bag seemed to emit a pink mist as citizens and officers eyed it with increasing unease and terror. Terryville’s professional bomb squad detonated the bag, leaving a ten foot crater on main street, but analysis of the bag’s debris show it only contained an empty coffee cup from the Terryville 7/11.

Jeff Plenary told local television reporters, “You ever heard of nanothermite? Just a few grams of it and Terryville would be a smoking crater. Thank God it was just an empty cup in that bag. Better safe than sorry, I say. Thank God for the strong, militarized police force.” Plenary’s delightful, provincial account instantly went viral on the internet, where The Gregory Brothers autotuned it into a charming and catchy music video that has been viewed seventy million times already.

The Terryville SWAT team activated emergency terrorism provisions and tore through every closet and basement in Terryville, looking for the fork bearded man, who remains on the prowl. If you have any information on the identity or the whereabouts of the fork bearded man who may be responsible for the terroristic littering threat you are encouraged to contact Terryville’s terror hotline. Any bearded men should register at the police station before 4 am Sunday morning. Bearded men who fail to register will be charged with obstruction of justice and aiding the enemy.