Guy Fieri limply holds onto the microphone at the national Homophobia Awareness Association’s yearly meeting. Source: Wikileaks
NEW YORK–Monday, Guy Ferry–known to television viewers as Guy Fieri (pronounced fee-eddy)–was hospitalized for life-threatening anal fissures. Anal fissures are tears in the rectum usually caused by vigorous insertions of increasingly large or strangely-shaped foreign objects without proper lubrication or training.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, proctologist, said “These kind of deep anal fissures are often fatal if not treated, and may take many months of painful bowel movements to heal. Needless to say, Guy will want to take it easy on ‘off the hook’ spicy foods for a long time.”
Ferry’s new restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square, was lambasted in a viral, scathing review from Paul Wells of the New York Times. Guy fired back by going on the Today Show and complained to Savannah Guthrie about the reviewer’s “agenda” –while making cheap excuses for the bad food and accepting some measure of responsibility.
DETROIT, MICH.–This year at the Gathering of the Juggalos, fans caught a thief and swiftly enacted mob justice, destroying the thief’s car, not knowing that it was stolen. In the following video, a Jeep Grand Cherokee driven by a man in full dark carnival style makeup flips his truck over the wreck, heaped up strategically by the “family” to chants of “holy shit.”
The angry mob, unsatisfied with even this triumphant scene, loaded the car onto a UHAUL trailer and paraded it around the festival. As the car and trailer scraped across the pavement doing thousands in damage to the park property and the trailer, cries of “Family,” “Fuck the Thief,” and “Occupy Car Wreck” spread to every corner of the festival, making all would-be thieves aware of Juggalo Law.
This video shows the car on parade before it is displayed at the main stage. POD plays hard metal.
The acronym ‘mmfwcl’ stands for much motherfucking wicked clown love.
Martial Arts Tricking Battle @ White Lotus Closing Gathering – March 24, 2012
LOS ANGELES–St. Vincent Medical Center was overwhelmed with ankle injuries from so-called “Trickers,” following a Tricking competition Thursday.
Tricking is a new multi-disciplinary martial art form drawing heavily from Capoeira and Gymnastics which has recently become wildly popular in the Los Angeles area. The spate of injuries has raised questions among legislators who think this dangerous sport could be made safe with more regulations.
“I couldn’t think of a more dangerous sport. Here in LA alone, we’ve had several kids paralyzed and hundreds of broken and sprained ankles all related to tricking,” said LA County Chief Health Commissioner Dan Gordon. “We need regulations for this kind of activity and now. I’m getting calls from concerned parents every day. It has reached epidemic level.”
Trickers are highly unorthodox martial artists because their approach is anti-pragmatic. Emulating so-called “wire fu” tricks from movies is the ultimate goal, and unlike gymnastics or other martial arts there is little or no value placed on control of the body. Any landing is a good landing, as long as the Tricker maximizes the number of spins, kicks, punches, and flips incorporated into each trick.
At least a dozen Trickers have been hospitalized in savage beatings this year, as other martial artists in the LA area challenge their right to teach such a “laughable” martial art. “Tricking is not a martial arts. Tricking is not even gymnastics. It is a form of dancing,” said an enraged Kung Fu master under the condition of anonymity. “We can’t have them teaching this kind of fighting to young men who think they are learning how to defend themselves. That’s why we had to run them out of town. It is an ancient tradition of Kung Fu, and they must be able to defend their style of fighting.”
