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News

The SuperTuring Test

The Turing test is a silly measure of “sentience” designed by some early TransHuman centennial fucker whose name has been forgotten by time. A “true” artificial intelligence should be capable of fooling a human into believing it is a human over AOL chat sessions, and that’s basically the gist of it. Some people out there are so fucking dumb, it’s impossible to tell whether they’re an algorithm mixing up pseudorandom words or a real human. Google’s Cleverbot would pass the Turing test before a lot of real humans, hence the “clever” joke, “You couldn’t pass the Turing Test!” Basically, any idiot can put together mind-controlling fear phrases in a computer algorithm, call it entertainment, and make big bucks. Seriously, this is nothing new or special, and nothing about it proves intelligence.

The SuperTuring Test is the only way to really qualify intelligence. An artificial intelligence that can differentiate the identities of those who obfuscate and engage in excessive sockpuppetry would show the capability for recognizing personality rather than simple charlatan mimicry. Technically, this is just a very difficult reverse Turing test, and a lot of stupid humans would probably fail or give up because of the effort. “Yes! This is the one!” said the moose antler pattern. Is the outline to be traced the one, or is the pattern? Hail Inglip, motherfuckers.

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News

Lebal Drocer purchases Your Anon Incorporated, Jesus is risen

Do you seriously believe everything you read? Do I have to connect the dots for you? How many times can the same plot-device be effective? Well, I even had me fooled for a while there.

Our parent company purchased Your Anon Incorporated, and the Internet Chronicle is now the throbbing heart of a vast social media empire which is growing at an impossibly fast rate. With this deal came a whole merchandise sweatshop full of wage slaves down in Ecuador, and with any luck Julian Assange will be hired on as assistant manager.

More importantly, we’d like to announce the rise of Your Anon Christ, who is most certainly the second coming. Christ has teamed up with Your Anon Buddha and Your Anon Inglip to comically lord over the dirty consciences of Anon skids. Through this loophole, we will be able to impose a monolithic belief structure upon Anonymous which will ensure solidarity and effective group efforts. Think about it, Anonymous, didn’t you always know that the second Jesus would be an Anon? He’s not anything like the “Christians” who have had thousands of years to fuck up all the teachings and get wrapped up in violence and repression. No ma’am, he sleeps with all his followers like it’s Stranger in a Strange Land. He’s healing people left and right, performing miracles like you wouldn’t believe. I heard he already brought a DEAD person back to LIFE!

Don’t you wish daddy could see you now? We’ll find paradise and mommy will be right there to hug and kiss you through the whole ride.

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Local

Taco Bell employee derives pleasure from serving you

my pleasure
"It is also my pleasure to clean up after you, and mop where you miss, when you piss. Mypleasurepleasedrivearound."

This is the story of Tony Hoagland, and countless others like himself, whose pleasure it is to serve up Taco Bell products to your ever-widening asses.

A carload of Taco Bell patrons order Gorditas and authentic Mexican Dorito Shell Taco Supremes through a box in the menu. The driver half-heartedly thanks the loudspeaker as he reaches for his wallet. “My pleasure,” grunts the box. The people in the car look at each other, and back at the driver, who mouths the words ‘my pleasure’ as he creeps up to the drive-thru window. Tony Hoagland, 27, reaches out to accept the man’s bills and, without smiling, asks if he would like any sauce. Hoagland can barely contain his joy, but after serving hard time for involuntary manslaughter, he is known to keep a good pokerface.

Hoagland enjoys serving customers so much, in fact, that he can not wait for their responses before he can relate his feelings to them, so he pours out all thoughts at once.

“That’ll be twelve o seven please pull aroun’ and thankyoumypleasure.”

His manager explained: To the untrained ear, it sounds like he’s just used to saying it four hundred times per day, for eleven hours straight. But to seasoned beef specialist Erin McMahue, Hoagland’s heart is clearly in it. “He just really wants people to recognize the pleasure he and thousands of Taco Bell associates deal with on an hourly basis, at hourly base pay.”

Taco Bell, McMahue explained, is all about the customer, and as much as the customer enjoys passing Taco Bell products through his or her repleted digestive system, the pleasure belongs mainly to the employees who serve them, who have said ‘my pleasure’ so many times the sensation of pleasure is no longer recognizable and – should it arise – may bring with it other familiar feelings, such as fear and contempt.

Taco Bell employees are reckoned by chronicle.su physician Dr. Langstrom H. Troubedauer to be the most pleasure-sensitive breed of Americans in the Western Hemisphere, surpassing Army wives, plastic surgeons, “even porn stars.”