Category: News

Shit happens.

Andrew Breitbart rape victim speaks out

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date February 17, 2012
3 Comments on Andrew Breitbart rape victim speaks out

INTERNET- Andrew Breitbart’s recent tirade at an Occupy event drew sharp criticism from feminists who found his repeated accusations of rape profoundly distasteful. In the video, which has gone viral, Breitbart repeatedly called the protesters freaks, animals, rapists, and demanded that the Occupiers learn to behave.

Friday, an anonymous source contacted Internet Chronicle staff and made a shocking revelation about an incident decades ago in which she claims Breitbart technically raped her. The source stated the incident was more of an alcohol-fueled “soft rape,” which she simply didn’t remember. “I woke up after a night of drinking with Breitbart only to find my tampon jammed uncomfortably deep and soaked with semen.”

This event was very difficult for our source to retell, and the emotional damage Andrew Breitbart’s rape did to this poor woman must have been life-shattering. “Breitbart has been in my nightmares ever since the rape night. My life has never been the same, and I have grown to fear all men, and I constantly imagine them raping me, with Andrew Breitbart’s reddened, angry face hovering over me.”

Breitbart has avoided a slander suit probably because it’s not illegal to spread lies about vast swathes of people who are only united by ideas. Our anonymous rape victim said, in an all-too-perfect conclusion to this article, “It’s like, he’s going around calling this group of people all rapists, which is totally unfair, and I mean, years ago this man raped me and my whole life was ruined. I had to finally face my fears, because I just want people to know what kind of a man is accusing the Occupy movement of mass-rape.”

News

Akon Invincible

Dearest Akon Invincible, my dark African prince and life mentor,

It has come to my attention that Chronicles SU is spreading contaminated lies, may your soul rest in perfect peace. Certainly, you may never die. Your fan, Odusanya Babafemi, posted a supportive message for you, “una de ment for una head una no they think before una go open that una smelling mouth dey talk rubbish, e bi like say they establish this site from sudan because hey just they give us lie wey no get life at all as una lie baba god don vex for the rubbish wey una right his night.” The community of the internet agrees Chronicles SU should be abolished.

Your fans are glad you are alive, although there are still hundreds of villages in Africa that have not been informed that the news of your death was actually just a hoax. Akon Invincible African Prince, we are writing you to request funds to spread the message that you have returned from the dead to these remote villages. We need several million dollars to ensure that the message reaches each and every person affected by this hoax. We also hope to spread the gift of your music by setting up solar panels and distributing MP3 players preloaded with nothing but music from Konvict records.

We your fans are completely devoted to the future well-being of your top singing career, oh Jewel of Africa

With much love and gratitude,

Henry Bekoe

May the almighty guide you and protect your family.

Local Trolling

Microstorms on Poor Mountain

Post author By Kilgoar
Post date February 16, 2012
4 Comments on Microstorms on Poor Mountain

windmillonfire — Wind Turbines can catch fire and kill all the ULTRA RARE piratebush found ONLY on Poor Mountain

I knew Old Man Charlie from the days of my youth on Poor Mountain. That old man mostly kept to himself, but when I’d see him walking around on the mountain, he’d talk my ear off. Charlie told a lot of stories, but the ones that always got him worked up the most were the stories of what he called “dem saclones.” Charlie spent a lot of time walking the ridge of Poor Mountain, just to pass the time, but I always liked to ask him about dem saclones.

From what the old man told me, I gathered that he had been experiencing some kind of ultra-rare meteorological phenomenon that may be unique to Poor Mountain. It’s hard for me to go into any detail, but Charlie described clouds quickly forming very close to the ground, twisting like a cyclone. Within the course of a few minutes, an extremely small area would be pelted with up to quarter-sized hail. Sometimes the hail would be smaller, and the affected area could be as large as a house or as small as a frisbee.

Honestly, I never believed that old man. After he died, I wondered a little about Charlie’s stories and eventually researched some information on the internet. I learned that it’s possible “dem saclones” were also called Microstorms. No one on the internet seemed to have seen these vicious kind of tornadic hail Microstorms, and I tried contacting a few meteorologists. None of them seemed to believe the stories from Charlie, and just said that Microstorms were not proven science. However, Poor Mountain surely has great importance as a possible meteorological oddity.

Poor Mountain is located in Roanoke, Virginia, and is currently under threat of industrial development for wind power. Help us, Anonymous. Hack our government into submission for Old Man Charlie and his crazy cyclones. They’re probably real, and when those wind turbines go up, the Microstorms may disappear forever. Have you ever seen what happens when a wind turbine gets pelted with an intense cyclone full of quarter-size hail? Mayhem. Pure mayhem is coming to Poor Mountain if this wind farm is approved. STOP THEM NOW.