Our sources within SwagSec suggested that Gomez complained about forced anal sex in one hacked e-mail.
Early Tuesday morning, “cracktivist” group SwagSec released a pastebin of hacked e-mails between Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez. In one e-mail, Gomez breaks the news to Bieber that she is pregnant. It appears that Gomez is also upset with the state of their relationship, and Bieber suggests they should “break up for real this time.” Bieber then instructs Gomez to kill the unborn baby.
“also u should probably look into getting a abortion if ur really pregnant” ~ Justin Bieber, in an alleged e-mail to Selena Gomez.
These e-mails seem to confirm the recent rumors of a breakup between the famous couple, and SwagSec suggested deeper sexual problems. It is likely that Bieber continually forced unprotected sex on Gomez, preferring to leave her with a self-satisfying ‘creampie’.
Well, I tried to declare the death of Rage Comics last week, but it seems they keep coming back to life in increasingly terrible forms. They’re killing the Reddit community, infecting all other subreddits with stupid emoticons and unfunny memes. People continue to tell their pitiful life stories, hoping that the trendy little stick figures with funny faces will bring an added value to the insipid narratives with the misnomer of ‘Rage Comics’. They are hardly comics, funny only for how terrible they have become.
This is the story of a butthurt loser who keeps making the same mistake over and over again like a full retard. I'm sure he feels really great, hanging around the parents of his ex while he suffers from blue balls because he isn't getting laid. This guy didn't spare a single detail, causing me to actually rage. I also want to know what the fuck that black box in the last frame represents.This must have been a really sweet and enjoyable comic for this guy's roommate. Except for the fact that he really only made it to selfishly leverage karma points on Reddit. Oh, did I mention the vacuum of humor in this comic caused my bowel to prolapse?Oh, I get it! Michele Bachmann's a retard. Somehow it's only fitting you've applied rage faces to her quoatations with complete indiscretion. Just another pitiful Redditor, desperate for Karma.Well congratulations, you met someone famous. Fucking original, witty, and hilarious! Exactly the kind of stuff I want out of a comic strip.Here is another example of hilarious humor in some random Redditor's daily life - except the only real joke is a witless reference to Fabio. Pro-tip: Sticking a "rage face" on someone famous doesn't make your comic funny.Well, here's another example of a perfectly unfunny situation that some loser from Reddit has filled with references to famous movie lines in a hollow Seth MacFarlanesque attempt at humor. Before you make a comic like this, you should take out the pop culture references and ask yourself, "is this even remotely funny?"Exhibit A: Redditors are unable to communicate with others except through rage comics.Exhibit B
Without a doubt, rage comics are worse than they were last week. If this trend continues, I project that by the end of the year all rage comics will cause readers to suffer crippling sympathetic embarrassment and cry from the shared butthurt. Also, cocks.
Uglyman Ryan Cleary exits the courtroom where lulz took place
Every tech nerd, geek and new owner of adult novelties are glued the their news feeds, all asking the same thing:
Will Topiary, hailing from the island of Yell, be a hot hipster or a nasty, ugly nerd like Ryan? Most likely, he will fall somewhere in between, and is likely a eunuch.
But we’re smarter than regular people, and we’re asking a different question. Ideas pour in from Lebal Drocer headquarters about how we can capitalize on the debacle as investigators close in on LulzSec leadership, reaching for the upper hierarchy, which @Alec_Empire reportedly hates.
Hands were wringing at the Chronicle office, painkillers swallowed, when cub reporter Nick Maccombs of the Chronicle.SU had an epiphany (acid trip) for profit. During a meeting with executives Maccombs released the deathgrip on penis and blurted out, without permission, “OMG GUYS LETS START MERCHANDISING TOPIARY PRODUCTS $$ Im having visions of bansai trees with monocles and tophats! well be fucking rich! Nigger-rich.”
Dolla dolla billz, y’all.
Lebal Drocer is allegated to have begun mass-production of Topiary merchandise including t-shirts, coffee mugs, posters, commerative chia pets and flatbrimmed caps. All proceeds will go into Lebal Drocer’s latest effort to offer smartphone apps to political prisoners which would allow them to continue the shared Twitter feeds of LulzSec hierarchy.
Lebal Drocer executives discuss the best approach to exploit Topiary's indictment while celebrating "Bring-Your-Wives-to-Work" Day.
“We hope this will keep the general populus dumb and sheep-like,” intimated Lebal Drocer spokesperson and transcendental man Raleigh Theodore Sakers.
[pullquote]”Also, cocks.”
-The intern[/pullquote]
Media Mogul is reported as saying, “[Topiary] deserves to rot in jail. He once crashed a defunct old piratenpad we weren’t using but it pissed me off on principle. The Second Amendment, God and country.”
In the end, friends thought Topiary’s addiction to online chess would be his downfall, but that was before he was outed by Ryan, lol. We get to see Topiary’s face tomorrow. It is absolutely imperative that Chronicle.SU covers the proceedings.
“$10 he is thin, pale and walks with a limp.” -Sabu
