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Lebal Drocer, Inc. promises to stop whipping slaves in factories by 2024

DHAKA, Bangladesh — Atop a smelly pit, where tired women toil within dangerous textile machinery, armed foremen in mirror-visored helmets patrol a catwalk, overlooking the commotion and mire. All are contracted by the equally faceless conglomerate Lebal Drocer International.

Abortion by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
An uncomfortable chat between staff and management.

It is a normal Wednesday on the South Asian Padma Delta, which fell under corporate control at the height of the pandemic this summer. Now, more than ever, workers are endangered as the rigid, socially conservative, and brutally enforced edicts of Lebal Drocer threaten to choke the region.

Lebal Drocer associates are forced, unpaid, and punished for quitting.

Enabled by the supremacy of corporate philosophy, physical and sexual abuse in Lebal Drocer properties runs rampant, ranging from bamboo canings in Bangladeshi clothing factories, to cutting off hands, and inappropriate goosing among executive officers.

In an about-face of policy, however, the company’s CEO and spokesman, Raleigh Sakers, said during a book-signing tour that he aims to eradicate the corporal punishment of international slaves under his control by the year 2024.

Source: lebal-drocer.com

Raleigh T. Sakers

A face for the faceless

“I guess it was white boy summer, after all.”

“We like to create a culture that keeps people healthy and safe,” Sakers said, “so managers often work in uncomfortably close quarters with their slaves.”

Sakers says the poor are there to be used and, if needed, abused in the pursuit of his own murky ambitions.

“I still think of them as peons, even today,” Sakers said, “because they’re the people I pee on. Pretty easy to remember.”

Meanwhile, in America

It’s no quadruple venti latte back home, either. Workers are forced to wear diapers to keep up with robots, the robots are setting drinks on our nice hardwood furniture, and podcasts do not last an entire work day.

Although emerging political leaders like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez support unionizing as a solution to corporate tyranny, and left-wing publications like Jacobin promote it, the abundance of material effort required to unionize has been placed on the backs of the tired, underpaid, and presently consumed laborers currently “employed” by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Everyone who's not too busy agrees with Bhaskar Sunkara on the issues.
Everyone who’s not too busy agrees with Bhaskar Sunkara on the issues.

Bhaskar Sunkara is the founding editor and publisher of Jacobin. While avoiding eye contact with Internet Chronicle in the otherwise empty office overlooking Dumbo, Sunkara said the left works hard, but maybe not hard enough to preserve their right to work.

“They were at work when we came up with the idea,” Sunkara said, “but we thought it would be great if they stood up to their tyrannical bosses and unionized.”

Dismissing several iPhone notifications, Sunkara looked up for a moment.

“Hey…could you tell them for me?”

There has been no word yet as to how Lebal Drocer plans to implement anti-whipping measures in overseas factories, but sources inside the company say they have issued new guidelines restricting the misuse of the cat-o-nine-tails, washing mouths out with soap, and the word tarnation.

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INTERNET SENSATION CHRIS-CHAN FOUND DEAD IN HENRICO COUNTY JAIL CELL AFTER APPARENT SUICIDE

Chris Chan died of an apparent suicide, Saturday, after being placed in a misgendered jail cell.

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Christine Weston Chandler AKA “Chris-Chan,” after she was found dead in a Henrico County jail cell from an apparent suicide. Chris Chan was misgendered and placed in the male section of the jail by the prison staff.

Chris-Chan rose to fame after creating Sonichu, a character which is a combination of video game icons Pikachu and Sonic.

Fans held a vigil outside of Chris-Chan’s residence in “CWCville.”

Frederika Dumont told reporters, “I am one hundred percent on this: They Epstein’d CPU Blueheart Sonichu [Chris-Chan] to prevent the dimensional merge. It was almost here but now the herald has been assassinated. We mourn not only for CPU Blueheart, but for the failure of the dimensional merger. Chris-Chan will live on, on the other side, inside of Sonichu’s immortal body.”

Followers of Chris-Chan considered the former body of Chris-Chan to be inhabited by a feminine manifestation of “Sonichu” known as CPU Blueheart. The arrival of CPU Blueheart was only the first setp in the merger of fiction and reality which will purge all evil out of this world.

“Sonichu just doesn’t understand this reality… She’s gone mad with power after entering into the body of such a famous person, and what happened with Barb, it was a misunderstanding,” Dumont said. “You try living inside of this dimension, and following its norms, after you’ve spent a millennia as the icon of a wish-fulfillment fantasy world!”

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Content Creator Fills Void with Anything

Content Creator fills empty computer network with exciting new anything.

INTERNET–The gaping maw of Silicon Valley media platforms swallowed a faceless nameless man, Tuesday, as he attempted to join in on content creation.

“I thought I’d just do anything and put it online. Photos, streams, videos, memes, anything,” the nameless man said to his nonexistent audience, as he followed the tried and true advice of content creators who came before him.

No one anywhere heard him.

The faceless nameless man, now voiceless, said, “What is content anyway? It’s a nice word for filler, for anything at all. Something to drive up engagement. Engagement? It’s an eternal focus group, a mere surface, a veil under which, perhaps, some humanity still remains.”

Now to an audience of one, or perhaps it was only his blank reflection, the faceless nameless man found anything at all, and declared, “This is my brand, at long last. I have filled the void for one. I have become contained, engaged, and analyzed. This is success, at long last.”

If one heard this declaration, it was not understood, but that was not the point. He only need be heard, to fill the empty container, and engagement had begun.

Now to thousands, the nameless faceless voiceless and soul-vitiated man said, “It is thanks to you, my friends, that I can afford to do this, to be contained successfully and to engage with you each day. My popularity is proof of success, and my success is proof of my name. My face, my voice, and yes, my soul are now proven. They are established. You may no longer deny my humanity, for these things are not mine, but yours, and to deny them would be to deny yourselves.”

He was heard, and perhaps this time there was an understanding, but it did not matter. The container was now full, the audience engaged.

The audience pecked at their keyboard, swiped at their touch screen, clicked at their mouse. They beat away at the same inside jokes that never had a meaning to begin with and threw money around like it was going to hurt them, and sometimes because it would hurt them. They were feeling anything.