Many people have filled my inbox with general bullshit questions and they’re all panicked as hell about this Corona trash. But I’m chill because I’ve got it all down–I’m Dr. Troubador. I’ll tell you about my Simple Pandemic Plan. I’m your Quarantine Daddy.

Firstly, and most shocking, I’ve discovered you can catch Corona through the internet! The latest mutation encodes its DNA into a digital bitmap image which is then invisibly watermarked into a stale meme, and it reassembles the new COVID-20 strain within your eyeballs, blinding you within two weeks. But during those two weeks you’ll spread it with every meme you share! If you want to avoid COVID-20, stay right the hell away from Ugandan Knuckles.

But what can you do about Corona? How do you know you have it? Well with the lack of tests out there, I decided there’s a quick and easy test you can do yourself to find out. You’ll need seventeen feet of toilet paper, maybe more. Load it down with rubbing alcohol and wrap a thermometer in it. Then put it out in the sun for 12 hours, crack open the mercury with a ball-peen hammer, and finally soak the toilet paper in your blood. If it turns into a nice dark indigo, you’re safe. If it turns blackish purple, you’ve caught a deadly pandemic. Easy, simple. Anyone can do it.

I’ve seen these pictures of people hoarding all kinds of bullshit. Toilet paper? Milk? Are you fucking kidding me? I say stock up on Mountain Dew. Nothing else will keep your energy levels high and your morale up during the months and possibly years of seclusion to come. Personally I’ve bought over ten cases of Mountain Dew Gamer Fuel for the coming days. That caffeinated sugar rush will probably knock out any Wuhan Flu at the first symptom.

Personal safety is very important. Many people are just now buying their first firearms to defend themselves from Coronavirus. Remember, keep your safety off and the chamber loaded so that if someone starts to cough or sneeze you can eliminate them before their deadly pandemic mist reaches your nostrils. The cleansing burst of burning gunpowder should sanitize the air in every direction twenty feet around you. Don’t hesitate to keep firing because these infected people tend to travel in packs.

Now is the time to invest in stocks, gold, real estate, and bitcoins. When the sick and old are all dead or dying, the per capita income of the average person is going to shoot through the roof. Personally, I believe that gold is the safest of all investments because it has a sterile surface that cannot become infected, even by the supervirus AIDS.

Pray? Go ahead, if you think it will help. But for God’s sake, avoid that ‘communion’ thing. Imagine the germs going around when all those old geezers are down on their knees in some dirty cushion, slurping at that same wine chalice, munching on those wafers with crumbs flying all over the choir. That’s a prayer that will send you straight to hell. If you’re a Muslim, get an antimicrobial prayer mat, wash it after each use. Just use some common sense, people. We all know God’s just a sweet man-made illusion designed to give us a feeling of total mastery anyway, so might as well pray safe.

If there’s one thing you don’t want to do it’s go out to eat. The last place you want to be right now is at Taco Bell, chomping down on some bad food that already makes you sick to begin with, now fried up by some infected teen who just took a hard hit off the communal vape and coughed all over your two number nines. No amount of fire sauce will burn the Corona off that shit. Hell, the only way they’ll let you stay home from work at Taco Bell is if you can prove you don’t have Corona. Stay the hell away from fast food, if you’ve got any sense at all.

And finally, here’s my tip for working at home. Just load up every piece you have, roll every blunt you’ve got the very first thing in the morning. Get a good wake and bake going. That way you’ll save hours and hours of wasted time that might interrupt your hard at work, and you’ll gain a lot of focus that will help you power through the urge to watch TV and play video games. But when you do eventually break down and load up Call of Duty Warzone, you won’t waste a second because that gravity bong will already be packed and ready to go. When 5am rolls around and you still haven’t finished the day’s work, you won’t have to hesitate because you’ll have a joint ready for the last minute rush to get shit done. Trust me on this one, and you’ll be fine.