The world's most powerful nation, at long last captured by Robber Barons, has declared War on War, as well as on Iran.
The world’s most powerful nation, at long last captured by Robber Barons, has declared War on War, as well as on Iran.
INTERNET — Secretary of the Deep State Rudy Giuliani held a joint press conference with Iraqi President Barham Salih at the American Embassy in Iraq, Sunday morning, announcing that the Iraqi High Tribunal has opened an investigation into Joe Biden for corruption and filed formal charges.
Secretary Giuliani said, “We will make sure the Iraqi people are armed to the teeth, in fact you might say that a few clever arms deals were negotiated by President Trump himself.”
Fans of the president are split about the impending war with Iran, as Trump formerly campaigned as an isolationist.
Southern voter and arms manufacturer Gerald Whorly of Radford, Virginia said, “I know ‘thou shalt not kill,’ but look at the ‘conomy. I never claimed to be perfect. Neither did Trump.” Whorly and many other voters echoed the heretical prosperity gospel of Trump’s Spiritual Advisor, Paula White. The so-called prosperity gospel teaches that the ten commandments are secondary to financial gain — in Paula White’s own words, that “Jesus is from Satan.”
Militiaman Kirk Sammet of Deepsaw Montana opined, “Trump was great for a while but this is serious stuff. We’d be better off with Pence running the war, or really not having a war at all. Or if it is going to be a war, it needs to be a civil war, right here in America. That’d wake everyone up.” Sammet reclined, puffing his cigar.
Preacher Jordan Levitt of Raleigh, NC preached such a fiery Antichrist sermon that three elderly parishioners were hospitalized. “Paula White and other Satanists laid hands on Donald Trump in worship moments after he ignited his unholy final war, And they profanely used the word God in vain reference to our President. Oh, I believe Dear Leader is the chosen one all right, but he’s the other one, the Anti-Christ. In what Bible is Jesus a king of men? None! He is the king of kings! He’s out there right now, and I can feel it. He is coming to teach us something new, something beautiful, praise God. And Antichrist Trump would kill Jesus on fifth avenue and who would cry out in worship? Jesus lives! Jesus Lives! You’d better be ready. Jesus has risen again, Praise God!”
Richmond, Va. — Local dumbass Darby Sutton walked through the wrong apartment door as he tried to get home to his third floor apartment Saturday night, after an evening spent drinking heavily with strange friends his girlfriend does not approve of.
Upon entering his apartment building’s main front door, Mr. Sutton proceeded to ascend just two flights of stairs before walking in on his downstairs neighbors, who he said were “sittin’ on the floor right there in front of me as I walked in.”
Mr. Sutton reportedly said nothing as he backed out of the apartment in which he witnessed a half-naked girl and her boyfriend smoking marijuana in the room directly in front of him. The sight of the hedonism left him speechless and vulnerable.
He then closed the door and bolted up the third and final flight of stairs, entered his own apartment, and locked the door behind him. Slumping to the dark floor of his own foyer, Sutton ignored the screaming voices of his neighbors calling up to him. He burned hot with embarrassment.
“I didn’t want them to know who I was,” Sutton later explained. “So I just hurried up to my own place and shut the door behind me. I laughed about it so hard to my roommates. They think I am an asshole.”
When asked if Mr. Sutton apologized to the couple, he indicated that he did not want to say anything.
“It just didn’t seem like it would fit in with the conversation they were already having, before I barged in like the police,” Sutton said. “They looked up at me with looks of fear and surprise in their eyes. They were looking up at me like they was on TerrorMax, but still I don’t think they saw me long enough to really recognize me as their neighbor.”
19-year-old Kimothy Longhead, from apartment 2a, said she’d already seen Mr. Sutton around, and immediately recognized him when he entered her home.
“We went after him because we just wanted to meet him. He seems like a really nice guy and we wanted to ask if he could get our mail next week while we’re out of town.”
It was an honest mistake, Longhead explained, adding that this had happened with previous tenants.
Her boyfriend Snake said Sutton’s sudden disappearance was a missed opportunity for connection, and to expect a craigslist post about it.
“I guess he was embarrassed when he saw Kim sitting there in her underwear, but truth be told, Kim was right then yearning for an anonymous threesome with somebody she’d never met before. So when he walked in it was as though God had answered our decadent prayers. I just wanted to see if he was interested in coming back down for some experimentation with me and my loose woman. We would have really appreciated it, and it would have been the perfect proof to her daddy that he can’t control her no more, she’s gonna do what she wants, with me or any other man of my choosing.”
— Snake
Longhead and her boyfriend indicated that Sutton had already walked in to their apartment on several occasions before now.
Longhead told The Elf Wax Times, “We were starting to think that he couldn’t possibly be making the same mistake all those times before now, and he just wanted to be voyeuristic, but now that I know he’s a moron, I understand completely.”
The couple said they are not considering moving any time soon but they will be locking their front door more often, especially at night between the hours of nine o’clock and seven a.m., when there is one drunk dumbass skulking around the building.
“We don’t want that idiot coming in on us no more,” she said. “Now that I know he’s stupid, I don’t want him nowhere near me, or my Snake, ever again.”
This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We now return to our regularly scheduled satire, already in progress…
Reba, this is ground control. Do you copy? Over.
Ground control, Big Reba speakin’ I can hear you loud and clear. Over.
Reba, what’s your status? Over.
We got a real pretty view of the Red Storm from where we’re at but the magnetic field is overwhelming our equipment, we may have to back off and take another sweep at Europa tomorrow. Over.
Reba, that’s a no-go; supplies from below are tight enough as it is.These readings are priceless. We need you closer. Over.
Big Reba to ground control, that’s a negative, we’re already skirtin’ the radiation belt. If we get any closer we fry. Over.
We copy that.[muffled speech] Reba we’re going to need you to sit tight through those bad vibrations. We’re picking up severe sealant breakdown in the fuselage; it looks like your coolant is slipping. In the meantime go ahead and eat the black pill underneath your compartment controller. Over.
Hey this is Big John, you better copy this loud and clear: I ain’t eatin’ no cyanide. Over.
Big Reba to ground control, we’ve lost cabin pres—-
————-what did they say? Ground control to Big Reba, do you copy?
Roanoke, Va. — The county school district has installed a controversial new wing of the Cave Spring High School medical facility to include a “maternity ward” outfitted with beds, nurses, and counseling services to accommodate Virginia’s awesome teen pregnancy rates.
A bunch of forward-thinking, rational people questioned whether a maternity ward in a high school is helpful where the counselors must split their duties between teen mom therapy and P.E. coach. But who cares what they think?
If America’s ever going to touch China, somebody’s got to start having kids. Roanoke, Virginia is a patriot’s playground, and home to some of the finest biological specimens this side of the Mighty Mississippi River. Teen pregnancy originating from Southwest Virginia is the proven antidote to Chairman Mao’s snake oil revolution!
Now plug in your eyeballs, because it’s about to get weird. You’re going to read in the first person perspective as if you were a teen mom, thinking someone else’s thoughts. Pretend you are just 15 years old, you have a bunch of kids, and read this!
In Your Words
The Internet Chronicle has poisoned you.
“I acted depressed for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and introspective. That didn’t work, so I had a baby.” –Selena, 17, is now considered cool among her peers
Them Chronicle boys asked me to write y’all a story about my earliest memories of suckin’ and fuckin. I reckon them old boys even said they’d edit it for me, so I don’t look like such an imbecile as you’re reading this. So thank you, fellas. This my story.
I was 16 years old when I became a mother.
“A baby having a baby” is what people said to me. They called it advice. I call it abuse! My guidance counselor calls me “Selena Prettymouth.” This is my chance to stick up for myself and tell my side of things. I had to get a babysitter so I could write this.
I’d love to sit here, jerking off in front of a website all day writing stories, but becoming a teen mom was difficult. Do you think I have time to sit here and write? I got a baby on one hip, one in the oven, and heck I got one on the stove. If I have anymore babies, I’ll have to grow another tit. It’s not just a matter of shitting this thing out–and there it is–you know, this takes years of bed rest. I’ll be living in bed full time, while my kids take care of each other, buying shit on Amazon, and wolfing down corndogs.
I took a little time to make pornographic videos for money. I understand the world’s moved on to just calling them videos, but I am an old soul, someone who gets it. I don’t care what everybody else does. I’m shooting videos of my pussy, while you jerk off to venmo. Get it? I started young. I was on my third child before I knew what hit me, what’s not in orphanages I’m attached at the hip, I couldn’t shake ’em, they’re with me now. Part of the whole deal. No I will not pimp them out for percocets. I’m a good mother, I’m just young.
I carried my second baby to term and gave birth to a child, Jayden. When I tell my story I tend to blow through the boring stuff like doing shit Jayden wants to do, and I like to focus on the fun side of life, after he goes to sleep, at my parents’ house, where he lives. I never want to see the movie Wall-E, ever again.
Everybody wants to know, do they have the same dad? I am like bitch, don’t you want to know their names first? Easy way to remember their names is to only remember the first names of the ones I kept. Jayden, Cayden, Brayden, and Bailin are gonna grow up to be attorneys at law and have big fancy TV commercials.
So that’s it. That’s my life with them boys. I’m a teen mom. It’s hell. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. Even though I realize that is what I have done, now that I am writing this out and for the first time thinking it through. Well, damn. My life is shit. I missed Teen Mom for this?
This tragic story is brought to you sadly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Reba, this is ground control. Do you copy? Over.
