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White House: Donald Trump SICK with Coronavirus!

INTERNET — President Trump was “too sick” for his usual 36 holes of golf at Mar-A-Lago this weekend, and after testing positive for Coronavirus Sunday evening, the president was quickly put into quarantine.

This follows boisterous statements by President Trump that Coronavirus was a “fake news hoax” created by the media to destroy his presidency. Now that he’s reportedly suffering from acute pneumonia, White House physician Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador says they’re doing all they can to save the president’s life, “Mike Pence has already taken over the president’s daily duties, and we’re hoping for a quick and speedy recovery. I’ve sucked about a gallon of fluid out of his lungs already, using a special new technique I invented just for Coronavirus. It’s kind of like siphoning gasoline. He’ll be fine.”

Meanwhile, Trump supporters are panicking, seeking for any angle to spin the Coronavirus outbreak into a win for the Republican party.

“Trump ain’t sick. He’s just playing 5d chess,” said Hyrum Pleasant, of Hemp Patch Mountain, Virginia. “Maybe, just maybe this is a biochemical weapon sprayed on us by Chinese chemtrailists and if that’s the case Pence’ll nuke them back to the stone age.” Unsatisfied still with his own attempts at spin, Mr. Pleasant violently turned on the Internet Chronicle reporter, brandishing a pitted confederate sword ripped from its display on his mantle. “It’s you, you created this disease just so you could come out here and interview me, so you could kill off my president.”

Rumors that gay men are immune to Coronavirus are circulating on Facebook, but the CDC has warned that no one is safe. “The idea that COVID-19 targets only straight white males, or that Jewish people or LGBTQ people are immune has no basis in reality whatsoever.”

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News Obituaries

From Life to Death: Larry Tesler cut and pasted

You ever want to take shit from over here, to over there?

So did Larry Tesler. Because computers are faster at editing than sharp tools, the ability to cut and paste pages worth of material was a godsend to writers, and a natural transformation of computer technology so critical to life today, that it’s hard to believe one magical man, up in the sky, could have possibly delivered it to us. Seems like we would have come up with that on our own, eventually. Thanks anyway, Larry.

No, but seriously

Stenographers hate him!

Larry Tesler became King of the Keyboard with one simple trick.

Fans mourn Larry, acclaimed inventor of Copy and Paste.exe for Windows ME Year 2000 Edition and up. They said it couldn’t be done. He copied and pasted their bleating doubts:

It can’t be done!

–The ignorant flock who doubted Larry Tesla

So he gets credit for copy and paste from way back in the day. He might not have even enforced a patent on it. We don’t pay royalties. Do you?

The Internet Chronicle is raising money for Tarry’s surviving family members. Find the email on here and send us a link to whatever you got. Some kids are missing their daddy right now as he’s wallowing in the Satanic mire of celestial damnation, and by Gum, we’re gonna collect on it.

Because only God has the power to create in one hand while destroying with the other. In this sense, Larry Tesler was God.

Or so he believed

God threw Larry in Hell for leading people away from Him. Tesler was a good man, but this mortal life got away with him. He moved on from copying and pasting lines of code, to cutting and pasting to directories and fro. His experiments grew.

Cut and Paste, Larry that’s real cute, as you burn in Hell for all eternity, after playing God.

Eventually, his incessant copying and pasting of humanity itself bloomed like algae to consume all the world around him, transforming his once happy existence, which he shared on a countryside with a dog, and the dog’s loving family, into a nightmarish paradox realm where creation and destruction behave as one.

It goes without saying, God got mad. The townsfolk were upset. Even Mayor Bloomberg threw a little money down.

Larry Tesla felt the sting of Satan’s pitchforks jabbing into him — the Devil’s opening salvo — to mark the occasion of Tesla’s permanent damnation, and banishment to the eternal pit of lost souls.

Larry Tesla, who now only hears the moaning wails of tortured nonbelievers, worked for Apple from 1980 to 1997, growing the company to a lovable, artist-oriented development suite before leaving. Larry would not see the company become a phone-based, product as a subscription-based whatever the fuck.

Otherwise, Larry lived a good life. He was “a pretty good ol’ boy.”

Rock solid. Made to last. Bitch I ain’t no trick.

I’m finna cut that ass, and paste it on my dick.

–Larry “Fuck the Police” Tesla (1999 dubtrack)

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“Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennett dead from alcohol poisoning

INTERNET — Fans mourn the death of “Gun Girl” Kaitlin Bennet Marieox, who passed away at the age of 24. Akron Ohio’s Coroner ruled the death an accidental alcohol poisoning. “Gun Girl” famously posed at the scene of the tragic massacre at Kent State University, wielding her Assault Rifle in an implicit threat to any who would challenge her glamorous liberty.

“She’s a heavy drinker,” said husband Joel Marieox, who found her deceased Saturday afternoon, following a long night of partying. “I never thought it could come to this. She was just so young and full of life.”

Fans and haters have have taken to social media, discussing details of her death. “I saw all those pictures where she passed out drunk and soiled herself, so I’m not surprised,” said one comment on twitter. “She’s really annoying. Like she just got up in people’s faces and tried to bother them. I’m not even a liberal and I still hate her.”

However, some supporters are disputing her ignominious death. “This didn’t happen by accident as the fake news media claims. She was so dangerous that the Antifa Dems took her out, shamed her like this,” tweeted PatriotForGod. “She stood up for our gun rights and you know what? They got to her. I’m sure of it.”

Akron police spokesperson Gerald McCarthy announced the department was conducting a routine investigatiion, but at the moment there are no signs of foul play.