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Village drunk enters wrong apartment

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Richmond, Va. — Local dumbass Darby Sutton walked through the wrong apartment door as he tried to get home to his third floor apartment Saturday night, after an evening spent drinking heavily with strange friends his girlfriend does not approve of.

Upon entering his apartment building’s main front door, Mr. Sutton proceeded to ascend just two flights of stairs before walking in on his downstairs neighbors, who he said were “sittin’ on the floor right there in front of me as I walked in.”

Mr. Sutton reportedly said nothing as he backed out of the apartment in which he witnessed a half-naked girl and her boyfriend smoking marijuana in the room directly in front of him. The sight of the hedonism left him speechless and vulnerable.

He then closed the door and bolted up the third and final flight of stairs, entered his own apartment, and locked the door behind him. Slumping to the dark floor of his own foyer, Sutton ignored the screaming voices of his neighbors calling up to him. He burned hot with embarrassment.

“I didn’t want them to know who I was,” Sutton later explained. “So I just hurried up to my own place and shut the door behind me. I laughed about it so hard to my roommates. They think I am an asshole.”

When asked if Mr. Sutton apologized to the couple, he indicated that he did not want to say anything.

“It just didn’t seem like it would fit in with the conversation they were already having, before I barged in like the police,” Sutton said. “They looked up at me with looks of fear and surprise in their eyes. They were looking up at me like they was on TerrorMax, but still I don’t think they saw me long enough to really recognize me as their neighbor.”

19-year-old Kimothy Longhead, from apartment 2a, said she’d already seen Mr. Sutton around, and immediately recognized him when he entered her home.

“We went after him because we just wanted to meet him. He seems like a really nice guy and we wanted to ask if he could get our mail next week while we’re out of town.”

It was an honest mistake, Longhead explained, adding that this had happened with previous tenants.

Her boyfriend Snake said Sutton’s sudden disappearance was a missed opportunity for connection, and to expect a craigslist post about it.

“I guess he was embarrassed when he saw Kim sitting there in her underwear, but truth be told, Kim was right then yearning for an anonymous threesome with somebody she’d never met before. So when he walked in it was as though God had answered our decadent prayers. I just wanted to see if he was interested in coming back down for some experimentation with me and my loose woman. We would have really appreciated it, and it would have been the perfect proof to her daddy that he can’t control her no more, she’s gonna do what she wants, with me or any other man of my choosing.”

— Snake

Longhead and her boyfriend indicated that Sutton had already walked in to their apartment on several occasions before now.

Longhead told The Elf Wax Times, “We were starting to think that he couldn’t possibly be making the same mistake all those times before now, and he just wanted to be voyeuristic, but now that I know he’s a moron, I understand completely.”

The couple said they are not considering moving any time soon but they will be locking their front door more often, especially at night between the hours of nine o’clock and seven a.m., when there is one drunk dumbass skulking around the building.

“We don’t want that idiot coming in on us no more,” she said. “Now that I know he’s stupid, I don’t want him nowhere near me, or my Snake, ever again.”

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We now return to our regularly scheduled satire, already in progress…

Reba, this is ground control. Do you copy? Over.

Ground control, Big Reba speakin’ I can hear you loud and clear. Over.

Reba, what’s your status? Over.

We got a real pretty view of the Red Storm from where we’re at but the magnetic field is overwhelming our equipment, we may have to back off and take another sweep at Europa tomorrow. Over.

Reba, that’s a no-go; supplies from below are tight enough as it is.These readings are priceless. We need you closer. Over.

Big Reba to ground control, that’s a negative, we’re already skirtin’ the radiation belt. If we get any closer we fry. Over.

We copy that.[muffled speech] Reba we’re going to need you to sit tight through those bad vibrations. We’re picking up severe sealant breakdown in the fuselage; it looks like your coolant is slipping. In the meantime go ahead and eat the black pill underneath your compartment controller. Over.

Hey this is Big John, you better copy this loud and clear: I ain’t eatin’ no cyanide. Over.

Big Reba to ground control, we’ve lost cabin pres—-

————-what did they say? Ground control to Big Reba, do you copy?

Ground control to Big John, do you copy?

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Cave Spring High School adds “maternity ward” to encourage teen moms

Roanoke, Va. — The county school district has installed a controversial new wing of the Cave Spring High School medical facility to include a “maternity ward” outfitted with beds, nurses, and counseling services to accommodate Virginia’s awesome teen pregnancy rates.

A bunch of forward-thinking, rational people questioned whether a maternity ward in a high school is helpful where the counselors must split their duties between teen mom therapy and P.E. coach. But who cares what they think?

If America’s ever going to touch China, somebody’s got to start having kids. Roanoke, Virginia is a patriot’s playground, and home to some of the finest biological specimens this side of the Mighty Mississippi River. Teen pregnancy originating from Southwest Virginia is the proven antidote to Chairman Mao’s snake oil revolution!

Now plug in your eyeballs, because it’s about to get weird. You’re going to read in the first person perspective as if you were a teen mom, thinking someone else’s thoughts. Pretend you are just 15 years old, you have a bunch of kids, and read this!

In Your Words

The Internet Chronicle has poisoned you.
"I acted depressed for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and introspective. That didn't work, so now I appear in black and white photography, smoking a joint." --Jenna, 17, is now considered cool among her peers
“I acted depressed for a while because I thought it would make me appear cool, deep, and introspective. That didn’t work, so I had a baby.” –Selena, 17, is now considered cool among her peers

Them Chronicle boys asked me to write y’all a story about my earliest memories of suckin’ and fuckin. I reckon them old boys even said they’d edit it for me, so I don’t look like such an imbecile as you’re reading this. So thank you, fellas. This my story.

I was 16 years old when I became a mother.

“A baby having a baby” is what people said to me. They called it advice. I call it abuse! My guidance counselor calls me “Selena Prettymouth.” This is my chance to stick up for myself and tell my side of things. I had to get a babysitter so I could write this.

I’d love to sit here, jerking off in front of a website all day writing stories, but becoming a teen mom was difficult. Do you think I have time to sit here and write? I got a baby on one hip, one in the oven, and heck I got one on the stove. If I have anymore babies, I’ll have to grow another tit. It’s not just a matter of shitting this thing out–and there it is–you know, this takes years of bed rest. I’ll be living in bed full time, while my kids take care of each other, buying shit on Amazon, and wolfing down corndogs.

I took a little time to make pornographic videos for money. I understand the world’s moved on to just calling them videos, but I am an old soul, someone who gets it. I don’t care what everybody else does. I’m shooting videos of my pussy, while you jerk off to venmo. Get it? I started young. I was on my third child before I knew what hit me, what’s not in orphanages I’m attached at the hip, I couldn’t shake ’em, they’re with me now. Part of the whole deal. No I will not pimp them out for percocets. I’m a good mother, I’m just young.

I carried my second baby to term and gave birth to a child, Jayden. When I tell my story I tend to blow through the boring stuff like doing shit Jayden wants to do, and I like to focus on the fun side of life, after he goes to sleep, at my parents’ house, where he lives. I never want to see the movie Wall-E, ever again.

Everybody wants to know, do they have the same dad? I am like bitch, don’t you want to know their names first? Easy way to remember their names is to only remember the first names of the ones I kept. Jayden, Cayden, Brayden, and Bailin are gonna grow up to be attorneys at law and have big fancy TV commercials.

So that’s it. That’s my life with them boys. I’m a teen mom. It’s hell. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, though. Even though I realize that is what I have done, now that I am writing this out and for the first time thinking it through. Well, damn. My life is shit. I missed Teen Mom for this?

This tragic story is brought to you sadly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
A solution for everything, from cradle to grave.

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Historian: President Trump is the “Weakest Leader of all Time”

He's not very good!
He’s not very good!

When audio surfaced of Donald Trump urging Billy Bush to “Grab [women] by the pussy,” many Christian leaders told their congregations this didn’t matter, what America needed and what voters wanted was a strong leader. At the time, Trump’s charisma, his forceful and effective use of simple language seemed to be just that, powerful leadership. Whether America agreed that illegal migrants were a raping murderous menace or not, whether they wanted to “build that wall” or “lock her up,” these simple, repetitive messages drew voters together for an electoral victory that surprised the nation.

Hillary has not been locked up, Trump has fairly or unfairly taken blame for “concentration camps” full of migrant children separated from their families, and he is now facing an impeachment alleging that he interfered with military aid to a war-torn ally to gain an advantage in the upcoming election. His presidency has faced scandal after scandal. The messages from him and his party are numerous and carry much of the simple, repetitive persuasive power that led to his election. However, they all portray the president as a victim, a man who cannot effectively carry out his duty and can only blame others for what is ultimately his failure to lead. It is the whining of a loser who has dismally failed the grandiose promise to Make America Great Again, and only a few of his supporters have the game sense to see his self-victimizing PR as more of the same a losing strategy. Ultimate fighter and longtime Trump supporter Derrick “Black Beast” Lewis told Trump at UFC 244, “I know everything ain’t going good in the White House, but you gotta turn that shit around in 2020.”

Presidents Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama were hated and mocked, like any other president, but they never made themselves into pathetic victims. Often Republicans will mock liberal ‘snowflakes’ who are so unique and special they victimize themselves for attention, but unfortunately they’ve elected a snowflake president who takes to twitter to victimize himself when he’s parodied on Saturday Night Live. Such profound weakness in a leader is itself enough grounds for impeachment.

President Obama faced incredible Tea Party opposition in the House, an unprecedented blockage of his power to appoint a Supreme Court justice, as well as repeated government shutdowns, but he did not harm his own stature with the kind of complaining, blaming, and whining media campaign that has been the Trump administration’s PR bread and butter. This victim stuff may score some points with a handful of his supporters, who also feel like perpetual victims and losers themselves, but it has built, brick by brick, an image of an increasingly weak and ineffective leader who looks less and less competent and able to do his job. Even Bill Clinton, who faced impeachment for precisely the same kind of womanizing that Trump was elected in spite of, did not lower himself or the dignity of his office with ludicrous cries of “presidential harassment.” One can scour the history books for poor leaders and not find a single figure as weak and divisive as Donald Trump.

I’ve spoken to some Trump supporters who concede that the president has failed to unite the nation, that he’s failed to project a powerful image of himself and America to the world. Inevitably, they point to a good economy and liken him to a wayward CEO — he’s there to make us money, and that’s what matters. Maybe this is the sacrifice voters thought America needed, the one Christ warned against when he said, “What profit it a man if he gain the whole world but in this enterprise lose his soul?” One may not believe that Trump attempted to cheat the 2020 election by abusing his office, or that this is even an abuse of power, or that a single word news media prints is true, but there should be no controversy on this point: The President has forfeited his soul. Those who still follow might find their soul, like his, foreclosed.