INTERNET — The Trump Administration and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu announced at a surprise joint press conference at Mar-A-Lago that Israel will hold elections to start off the process of petitioning congress to be recognized as the 51st state.

Although coming as a near total surprise to the world, the process to approve Israel’s statehood is seen as a simple formality that’s already gained wide bipartisan support in the US congress. Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell told Fox News, “I’ve spoken with Netanyahu and expect our vote will go through easily as our first order of business in the new year.”

Speaker Paul Ryan suggested that partly, this is a move that will help balance the budget in the face of startling deficits created by Trump’s ‘Cut, Cut, Cut’ tax reform. “Many states such as Kentucky, Alabama, and New Mexico are dependent on billions in federal funds, receiving much more than they put into the system. Currently, Israel receives much more money than a lot of the most dependent states, and they don’t pay anything back. This is going to be a good deal for everyone.”

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis said that the military advantage in Israel joining the union will be “The most tremendous strategic shift in the world order since World War 1.”

The global shockwave of massive rejection at Trump’s recognition of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel has touched off violence across the world, and analysts suggest the Trump Administration is ‘doubling down’ with a move that will only ignite more violence and, likely, a global conflict or world war. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Council on Foreign Relations said, “What’s next, admitting Saudi Arabia to the union? Iraq? Afghanistan? South Korea? The UK? The US empire is overextended and its support for allies is getting to be very costly, the strain is real. Now, overnight, what was once unthinkable is now suddenly possible. I expect the Trumpist trend for annexation will coincide with massive deployments that will double or triple troops along these fault lines and conflict zones between world powers. This is a grave threat aimed directly at Russia and China, and they will be likely to act to prevent similar annexations from taking place all over the world, and likely ramp up their own expansionism, like Putin in the Ukraine.”

INTERNET — Thursday, President Trump introduced a plan to legalize the sale and ownership of all firearms in the United States. With his so-called “Gun Amnesty Program,” or GAP, Trump aims to create a database of all guns, legal and illegal, regardless of their classification.

The president’s plan will follow the “widest possible” interpretation of the 2nd amendment in order to supersede all state laws. This means rocket propelled grenades, guided missiles, and even artillery pieces will be available to civilians, and any weapons already in existence need only be included in the Gun Amnesty Database to attain legal status.

White House Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders told reporters, “There may be a small fee, no more than $20, but the president wants the process to be open to anyone, so there may be income-based waivers for the impoverished. We’re going to restore the second amendment to its intended, original meaning.”

Trump told reporters “If we’d had this law in place to begin with, the terrible, awful shooting at Mandalay Bay wouldn’t have happened. We don’t want to take anyone’s guns, and in fact we want you to have the machine guns, the large caliber ‘destructive devices.’ We need BIG guns to protect America!”

However, some gun experts are skeptical that a better armed citizenry could have any impact at all on a shooting such as took place at Mandalay Bay. Forgotten Weapons presenter Ian Macullen told reporters, “The Vegas Gunman’s perch, 500 yards from the concert, is really not an easy shot. You’d need an experienced sharpshooter placed in advance, probably with some kind of thermal scope and incredible skill and luck to be able to return fire and save any lives at all. They already do this at the Super Bowl, but it’s very expensive.”

Elon Musk came forward with a pitch for a new, cheap alternative to counteract mass shootings in events where sharpshooters will blow the budget. “We’ve been in talks with the Chinese military and we’re going to work on developing a specialized version of their self-destructing drone. It will be able to automatically target and respond to the gunfire in less than a minute, even deep inside of buildings or bunkers, ultimately detonating a narrow cone shrapnel device that will neutralize the threat.” Tesla’s already overvalued stock jumped $5,000 in just two hours after this announcement, eclipsing bitcoin as the hottest investment around.

Gun Control Czar under the Obama Administration, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador now Joint Chief of the International Plowshare Protocol, harshly criticized Trump’s plan.

“There were armed militias present when the neonazis marched on Charlottesville, but did any of them open fire on the terrorist who plowed into the crowd with his vehicle? Could they have done anything to stop him?” Dr. Troubador asked viewers. “Hell no. They hardly even know how to aim those things. In my opinion Trump wants a list of people with guns, and he’s going to come after you and your rights. Why does he need to take your guns, when he can take all your money with the push of a button?” The good Doctor smiled for his audience and said, “Ye fiyad.”

His 10th consecutive year!

INTERNET – It is without hesitation or thought that we present the same prestigious annual award every year to the Supreme Commander of the United States Army, President Donald Jefferson Trump. Trump received his notification email this morning, enclosed with his 10th “Medal of Trust.pdf” which names him ‘Man of the Year’ again.

Congratulations Donald Trump!

10th YEAR IN A FUCKING ROW

Actually, you know what? Century. This is Internet Chronicle, afterall, where Trump was just announced Man of the Century.

Trump’s decade as Man of the Year is a long and storied career. However storied it may be, you’ll read none of those stories here. That’s locker room talk!

His Honor

Don’t thank us for the pleasure, sir. You’re welcome, Mr. President. The honor is all on this side of our glorious Website. Truly.

But it wasn’t easy to get here, was it? It’s been a long, hard, stiff battle but you’ve made it clear: Your dominance is pure and unending. Your interview and photo shoot are scheduled for Monday, November 27. You’ll just need to let us know where, since we’re having trouble with our office.

In an audacious tweet, President Trump praised the fake news entertainment comedy website for being “Very smart,” and “Very, very tasteful.”

They’re doing great work over there at Internet Chronicle. Can’t say much for hatesec – if we’re being honest, the man is a liar and a cheat – but Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is a smart, tasteful, very cunning man. – President Donald Trump

‘Decade of Aggression’

Internet Chronicle stocks plummeted this morning after an announcement stating they would no longer be offering their famous Thick’n’Hateful Sunday print edition, as Trump’s subsequent endorsement led to savage antifa attacks against our hardened Cuthbert headquarters.

All systems go, Mr. President! You’re Man of the Year. Hell, you’re man of the fucking Centry. Now get out there and grab you some pussy, baby, you’ve earned it alright.

Everybody else, get the fuck off of this website.