It's chill bro. Nobody cares, it's going to be no big deal.
His 10th consecutive year!
INTERNET – It is without hesitation or thought that we present the same prestigious annual award every year to the Supreme Commander of the United States Army, President Donald Jefferson Trump. Trump received his notification email this morning, enclosed with his 10th “Medal of Trust.pdf” which names him ‘Man of the Year’ again.
Congratulations Donald Trump!
10th YEAR IN A FUCKING ROW
Actually, you know what? Century. This is Internet Chronicle, afterall, where Trump was just announced Man of the Century.
Trump’s decade as Man of the Year is a long and storied career. However storied it may be, you’ll read none of those stories here. That’s locker room talk!
His Honor
Don’t thank us for the pleasure, sir. You’re welcome, Mr. President. The honor is all on this side of our glorious Website. Truly.
But it wasn’t easy to get here, was it? It’s been a long, hard, stiff battle but you’ve made it clear: Your dominance is pure and unending. Your interview and photo shoot are scheduled for Monday, November 27. You’ll just need to let us know where, since we’re having trouble with our office.
In an audacious tweet, President Trump praised the fake news entertainment comedy website for being “Very smart,” and “Very, very tasteful.”
Health Doctor
They’re doing great work over there at Internet Chronicle. Can’t say much for hatesec – if we’re being honest, the man is a liar and a cheat – but Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is a smart, tasteful, very cunning man. – President Donald Trump
‘Decade of Aggression’
Internet Chronicle stocks plummeted this morning after an announcement stating they would no longer be offering their famous Thick’n’Hateful Sunday print edition, as Trump’s subsequent endorsement led to savage antifa attacks against our hardened Cuthbert headquarters.
The Cuthbert, Ga. “slum house” is a fortified cluster of trailers, and home to the North American headquarters of the world famous satire site Internet Chronicle. The trailers are now unusable after demonstrators would not let us return home under threat of violence.
All systems go, Mr. President! You’re Man of the Year. Hell, you’re man of the fucking Centry. Now get out there and grab you some pussy, baby, you’ve earned it alright.
Cody died in a bathtub full of Mercury, Thursday, as the liquid metal sucked all the heat out of his body in a matter of seconds.
INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Cody Reeder, host of popular YouTube science channel Cody’s Lab. Reeder passed away Thursday from cold shock after floating himself in a bathtub full of mercury.
Cody’s Lab was recently suspended by YouTube, after it was flagged for showing Cody microwaving insects.
Salt Lake City Coroner Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It sucked so much heat out of him so quickly it caused a sudden dilation in his arteries and a cardiac arrest.” Dr Troubador also found high levels of elemental mercury in Cody’s bloodstream, which he believed “accumulated over many well-documented years of contact with mercury.”
Recently, Cody ignited a bead of nitroglycerine with a knife, shattering it and cutting his finger even through leather welding gloves. In 2016, Cody fired cryogenic mercury projectiles from a frozen homemade gun, all inside of a small tent. In other videos the YouTube star dips his hands in mercury, flushes a toilet full of mercury, and even tests himself for mercury poisoning.
Dr. Troubador said, “The vapors got to him, and maybe some microbeads on his skin. It wouldn’t show up on a toxicology report because it’s not toxic. The elemental stuff got in his bloodstream long before he was frozen stiff by the bath, and it just sits there in the capillaries. Sure, it’s not poisonous at all, but ultimately it did add to the sudden strain on his circulatory system and his tragic, tragic death.”
Critics and fans alike have cast blame on YouTube’s increasingly stingy monetization scheme as well as its twisted algorithms, which drive content creators like Cody to engage in dangerous behavior just to get viewers on their channel.
AvE, YouTube star and friend of Cody, told reporters, “Every year YouTube pays just half what they paid last year, and guys like Cody are chasing that dragon, trying to make a living, and in a lot of ways, YouTube is to blame here.”
This August, AvE was hospitalized after his penis was injured in a pneumatic vice accident while filming patreon exclusive content. “It’s fuckin’ insane what we do just to scrape a few bucks together to make and share cool shit on the internet. At some point we’ve got to draw a line though. Is Cody that line? I don’t know. Mercury freezing a guy solid like that, in a matter of seconds, just think about it. Something doesn’t add up. Look at how Cody is highlighting their stingy no good back dealing exploitation of content makers, and oh, now he suddenly freezes to death and you’ve got some fake doctor saying it’s because he’s inhaling mercury? I don’t believe it for a fucking second. Someone very powerful is up to no good.”
White supremacists believe Papa John Snader is on their side. Papa John says, "All Lives Matter"
INTERNET – Wednesday, Papa John Snader of Papa John’s Pizza unveiled a new watermelon and fried chicken pizza set to hit pizza joints around the nation next month. This comes after neo-nazi groups celebrated Papa John’s pizza franchising as the “official pizza of white supremacy.”
Appearing before cameras, Papa John told reporters, “There are good folks on both sides, and we wanted to make a pizza that represents this American ideal. Sales are tanking from the spoiled ‘black lives matter’ billionaires taking a knee and ruining the NFL season, so we thought we’d come out with an All-American pizza that sent the message that All Lives Matter.”
Papa John Snader discussed how he intends to push the “inclusive” philosophy which inspired the release of fried chicken and watermelon pizza, “Better Ingredients and Better Pizza, on their own, are not enough to stave off the hatred and pedophilia infecting American society, Hollywood, and our competition in the Pizza Industry, so we’ve rolled out a new cutting-edge social media campaign with a powerful firm in Russia. They’ve proven their ability to get the message out more quickly than any other free market solution.”
Some critics are not thrilled by what they see as Papa John’s amateur foray into the tense political climate. Race scientist Dr. Langstrom H. Thurmond said, “Fried Chicken and watermelon on a pizza? This is an insult to all of humanity and not just black people. Frankly, I’m mostly disgusted on a culinary level, and I think it’s the pizza that these sick white souls deserve.”
White supremacists at the Daily Stormer quickly published a story suggesting weekly pizza parties are the best way to celebrate solidarity during the NFL boycott.
“These ain’t the kind of pizza parties you read about in Wikileaks,” wrote Weev, Daily Stormer’s Chief Techinical Officer.
Weev also commented on Papa John’s mistreatment of workers, suggesting the oppression didn’t go far enough. “They suffer and provide for their own healthcare, as it should be, as is Odin’s Will. When Barack Hussein Obama attempted to compel employers to cover employee healthcare, it was Papa John himself who bravely stood up to el presidente’s decree by reducing his black and mexican slave hours to just below the weekly maximum limit of 32, and also sparing them Obama’s Death Panels. What a wasted opportunity. Papa John could do more for the white race.”
White supremacists believe Papa John Snader is on their side. Papa John says, “All Lives Matter”
In the same long and rambling story, barely stitched together like some febrile dream, the racist publication also claimed that Papa John ultimately pledged his undying support for White Brotherhood in exchange for access to key ingredients once thought unobtainable. Although kept secret, analysts suggest they are probably the same active ingredients found in Brain Force Plus and Super Male Vitality.
The story featured an obvious photoshop of Papa John donning a crimson Imperial Wizard hood to match his trademarked pizza delivery uniform.
Daily Stormer concluded by blaming Democrats and Black Lives Matter for all the racism, citing a dubious leak obtained from Hillary’s personal outbox and addressed to Malia Obama. “I can never get enough Comet Pizza,” it reads. “Just you wait, little bitch, till you take a knee and I sink my pearly white chompers into a floppy, greasy, slimy-ass slice of that pizza dipped deep into Momma’s hot sauce.”
