INTERNET — Friday evening, eyewitnesses at San Francisco International Airport tweeted in astonishment as a SWAT team boarded an Aeroflot passenger jet from Russia as it was still rolling in on the tarmac. Edward Snowden was extracted in handcuffs as the jet ground to a halt.

Snowden mysteriously disappeared from social media site Twitter after the November 13 attacks in Paris. Glenn Greenwald and other privacy advocates are enraged as various law enforcement heads have used the charged moment to appeal for legal rights to backdoors in cryptography software — and also blame Snowden for enabling the deaths.

Snowden showed no indication of any wavering in his ideology in the days leading up to the attacks.  Speculation abounds as to the motives behind his return to the US.

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Snowden strongly believes he’ll be tortured upon arrival to the United States and perhaps means to harm himself due to the incredible guilt he must feel at having so many blame him for the Paris Attacks.”

Cory Doctoro, privacy expert, said “This is good, strategically, because Snowden can clear his name and wash his hands of blood. And he’ll get a hell of a lot of attention at the trial, bringing the narrative away from Paris and back to him. We need to maximize Snowden’s effect, and this is just the clever media coup I think they’ve been holding back on for a long time now.”

I see the way you look at our website. The gluttonous envy with which you feast your dumb eyes upon the glorious and infallible Internet Chronicle would disgust even a thief. You are nothing. And that is our fault?

Continue denying yourself the life you want – the life you feel you deserve – so we might continue to consume the dead, mulching the fallen leaves and rotting fruits from the tree of the Internet. We reprocess the overripe Barrett Browns and Rachel Haywires into a digestible paste for mass consumption. You come to us to learn who to despise not only for their actions but their ideology, without an original thought in your head, when really we should be shifting our focus onto you, the readers, the botnets, the consumers, the Google algorithm, and our advertisers who continue to sap away not only our profits but, like you, our spirit. Internet Chronicle readers are energy vampires. With each pageview, you steal some piece of us, calling it your own.

YOU ARE NOTHING

When the TPP passes and our intellectual properties are better protected, rest assured not an utterance will escape your mouth that doesn’t belong to Lebal Drocer, Incorporated: Your owner; your master; your only purpose in this world. You are the consumer of ideas we plant in your head that don’t become yours just because you can verbally copy and paste. Whether genetically modified, or temporally modified, your worldview is a product of chronicle.su and you owe us money. Why should you profit using tools we sharpen?

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