Category: Obituaries

INTERNET — Fans mourn the tragic and untimely loss of Billie Eilish Pirate Baird O’Connell, 19, who died in her apartment after suffering from tragic slumber party related injuries.

In celebration of the release of her new hit single commemorating the Civil War, Lost Cause, Eilish held a slumber party extravaganza filled with the most rich and famous personalities at her New York City Penthouse.

Finneas O’Connell, Eilish’s brother and producer said, “Things got out of hand. There was a major pillow fight, and I think everyone had a lot of pent up rage from the Rona. Next thing I knew, they were hauling Billie out on a stretcher and then later, we heard she didn’t make it. I still can’t believe it.”

Police are investigating the incident. Chief Geraldo Popper said, “There may have been drugs, some powerful new recreational biologics we’re seeing used by the very rich, but I can’t say much more than that at this time. We’re investigating every angle, but at this point we don’t suspect foul play.”

INTERNET — Fans and investors mourn the loss of Elon Musk, found dead in his Austin home following a massive crypto crash Sunday morning.

Musk, the CEO and founder of SpaceX and Tesla made headlines earlier this year after investing billions of dollars into bitcoin.

Musk is survived by his wife Grimes and his son X Æ A-12. Coroners reported he hung himself from the balcony of his mansion using a USB-C cable, still connected to an external hard drive filled with billions of now worthless cryptocoins.

Mary L. Hubbard, President and CEO of the Elon Musk Fan Club was completely devastated, telling reporters between fits of uncontrollable sobbing, “Now we’re never going to Mars. We’re never going to get off fossil fuels. Without Elon the whole world is doomed.”

However, Harvard Economist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said of the crash, “No one who lived through the dotcom boom should be surprised that this happened. Tech comes and goes at a very fast pace these days and as far as the crypto stuff goes, it’s really all speculation. The only people who would use such a convoluted method of transaction are doing it because they have already invested so much into it. For the common person there are only disadvantages to using bitcoin.”

INTERNET– Fans mourn the loss of Daniel Keem, better known as the YouTube sensation ‘Keemstar’, whose “Drama Alert” video series stirred up beef among the platform’s most famous creators.

Keem was found dead in his apartment from an apparent “execution-style” gunshot wound to the back of his head. Police are investigating this as a homicide and say the perpetrator is likely still on the loose.

Trey Wiggins, Chief of the Buffalo Police told reporters, “Well, this one is a real headscratcher. We’re narrowing down the suspects but Mr. Keem hasn’t made things easy for us. There are literally hundreds of thousands of suspects.”

Fans have posted their favorite memes of Keem in remembrance, the most popular showing the presenter’s face superimposed on a gnome in celebration of his miniature voice and lack of powerful video presence.

‘Hamandcheese’, a small-time partner of the Twitch corporation, told Internet Chronicle “You don’t want to get the attention of Keemstar. He’ll ruin your career before it even gets off the ground. It’s most likely this was a revenge-oriented killing related to one of his ongoing beefs. No one likes a shit-stirrer.”

Joe Rogan told listeners, “I’m sorry for Keem, and for his family. But the guy was like a cancer on the internet and I won’t miss him. He was an ugly bully who was obsessed with ugliness and stupidity. You reap what you sow, that’s what I always say. It’s not nice, but it’s the truth.”