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Categories
Law Science

New legislation could silence all animal and wildlife sounds

 

Are you sick of the birds?

Are you tired of hearing those damn stupid crickets?

You did not just tell a bad joke.
It is the crickets who should die.

Your voices have been heard, President Biden said during a Labor Day speech on Monday.

“Who among us has not been affected by this?” he asked a room of confused reporters in the West Wing. “Do you not hear the cicadas right now? Listen, folks.”

Biden is readying the US for an unprecedented confrontation with Nature itself.

State and county leaders are asking constituents to “catch up with progress.”

Some municipalities have done nothing to prepare, while others have put sonic offensive weapons on order, that will drive critters out using frequencies undetectable by the human ear.

The country is responding to a bill moving through congress that would instate a blanket, midnight curfew for all wildlife across the continental United States, ordering the creatures to be quiet, and stay home.

An amendment could extend the legislation to Alaska and Hawaii, where there are fucking loud, continuous ocean noises.

Hawaii state attorney Stan K. Ridgedon said he would be satisfied if he never heard a wave crashing upon the beach again.

“It is powerful legislation, with full bipartisan support,” Ridgedon said. “From the heights of the Rockies to the valleys of ancient Appalachia, they’ve heard enough, and they’re putting a stop to it. We deserve the same rights. Now I’m going to have to call you back, I’m sorry, I can’t hear anything over these fucking seagulls.”

According to the bill, any bugs or animals heard chirping, squeaking, or singing, or is found out after midnight, is to be killed on site, by anyone, by any means necessary.

“We’re going to quieten everything down,” Biden said. “It’s gotten very loud.”

Jeane Paddy, 54, owns a soybean farm and recently bought a fully automatic assault rifle from Walmart. Ralph, a helpful employee, assisted her in fitting a customized holographic scope to the weapon, efficient for killing varmints.

“I’m getting fitted for my bandolier next Tuesday,” Paddy said. “If this is what it’s going to take so I don’t have to hear those songbirds chirping every day then, sweetheart, you can call me Patriot Paddy. We got a war to win.”

The owls over Paddy’s barn, she said, will hoot no more.

The Internet Chronicle was invited out to Paddy’s ranch in Vermont to hear what a difference this bill could make. Sitting across from the staff were Paddy’s children Biff, 12, and Judy, 7. Their faces lit up with hope when the newsmen came to see.

Paddy had them demonstrate lines from Hamlet, in which Biff is starring for a fall production.

After a late dinner, the kids ran around laughing and playing in the yard. Paddy squinted into the sunset, concentrating hard not to hear the birds.

The sun started down, and the mourning doves sang their final tune.

The kids were sent inside to have a snack before bedtime. Paddy, standing by the front door, loaded an extended magazine into her rifle, slung across one shoulder and decorated with Hello Kitty stickers.

With no formality, Paddy quickly went outside. Over the next few minutes, the children finished their cookies and milk in the dining room, and were talking about school, when the conversation was suddenly interrupted by gunfire.

With hands folded on the large oak table in front of them, the light left their eyes for a moment, as the first shot rang out. Judy flinched. Biff stared forward.

Another shot.

The gaze on the children’s faces fell to the table.

Over the next half hour, more than 40 shots were fired as they got themselves ready for bed. Not a word was spoken in the household, as day turned to night.

Another 30 minutes later, and Paddy returned, the hair dancing on her red cheeks in the entrance. She was shaking leaves out of a hat as she closed the door behind her.

“Hear that?” she said with a grin. “All quiet!”

A mass burn event is scheduled for Friday, September 9 at county fairgrounds in various states.

Locals are invited to haul out your kills and chuck ’em on a pile of what is sure to be a lot of dead animal carcasses. Drive on through, or stay and enjoy the burn.

Check your local courthouse for details. Bring the family, but be quiet.

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Categories
Law

California Legalizes Parasocial Marriage

After California passed the Parasocial Marriage Bill, over 27,000 citizens filed for the new parasocial marriage licenses.

INTERNET — Monday, California Governor Gavin Newsom signed the Parasocial Marriage Bill into law, which went into effect immediately. This controversial new law allows individuals to enter into a one-way marriage with their favorite entertainers and fictional characters. Lawmakers say this new law will benefit the economy by allowing the estates of single people to be more easily disbursed to struggling content creators and corporations, while giving single people a reason to live.

Jerome Glassley of San Diego showed off his engagement ring, telling reporters, “Finally, after years of struggle and oppression, my friends and family and even the government have come around and are accepting of my Waifu, Hinata. I am planning a full, real wedding with all the trimmings and I couldn’t be more delighted.”

Twitch megastreamer, Amouranth, was parasocially wed to nearly two hundred fans just hours after the Parasocial Marriage Bill passed. According to state marriage clerk, Cindy Lawhorn, the clerks’ offices across the state are swamped with paperwork.

Amouranth told the Internet Chronicle, “It’s nice that people are so accepting and that my fans are finding a new meaning in life. I think parasocial marriage is the best thing to come to California in decades.”

Other states, including Oregon and Colorado are looking into their own parasocial marriage laws, and several delegates in West Virginia have already begun drafting their own parasocial legislation.

Parasocial Marriage Critic and psychologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador has warned that encouraging parasocial relationships may lead to a sudden decline in birth rates and mental health, saying, “A one way relationship is not necessarily unhealthy, but my research has shown it increases suicidal impulses. The only real legal force that these marriages have is to serve as a de facto will granting your property to your so-called marriage partner after death. It’s all fun and games now, but this might begin to encourage a lot of murders and suicides as people begin to target their friends and neighbors with parasocial marriages.”

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Categories
Law Technology

John Oliver forces ground level narrative, reducing American privacy crisis to concern around ‘dick pics’

MOSCOW – In a sweaty interview with the infamous cyberterrorist Edward Snowden, darling satirist John Oliver refused to let Snowden iterate his basic technological explanation of how domestic spy programs, such as PRISM, violate the US Constitution. Instead, Oliver continuously interrupted Snowden, denying Americans’ ability to interpret the dialog for themselves, and said the interview MUST focus on “dick pics” in order to maintain public interest.

Oliver felt the already limited segment would not infantilize the popular mind enough, so at various points in the interview, Oliver pulls out his slick new Macbook Pro with retina display, puts it in his lap, and points it toward Snowden, directing him – like a child – to watch a selection of clips of Americans who do not know who he is.

The transition from Snowden's linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.
The transition from Snowden’s linear explanation of the PRISM domestic spying program was executed about as awkwardly as Nguyễn Ngọc Loan.

With each attempt to carry out the 18-month old, ongoing conversation about the offensive and intrusive nature of domestic spying – a feature of totalitarianism that exceeds even the worst Orwellian nightmare scenario, and has colossal implications on global markets and trade, as well as negatively affecting every tier of government from global to town-level – Oliver said, “No, no. We are talking about dick pics because that is all my dipshit audience cares about: Their sweaty, hairy schlongs.” He diverted the conversation from the Snowden cult of personality only to bring it all back to dick pics, before ending the interview with the centuries-old jokes, “Now I’m on some kind of list,” to which Snowden calmly – and after forced laughter – replied, “You’re associated.”

In Brooklyn, a group of artists who understand art but nothing of subtlety, put up a Snowden statue. A day later, when one of them said, “Look what I did, everyone!” the statue is now hilarironicallously covered by a blue tarp.

This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.
This is what you get for bragging about your stupid art, you stupid fucks.

BRB: exercising my civil rights to photograph dick pics and transfer ownership to Mark Zuckerberg, as per Facebook Terms of Service.

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